But I Never Left You
by SWChika
Summary: A health scare causes Jo to reevaluate how she views her past and leads to struggles in Alex & Jo's relationship. Rated T for strong references to child abuse, language and sexual innuendo. NOW COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes:** First off, I want to warn you all that I have no idea where this story is going or where it will end up or how long it will be. It's just an idea I've had for a while and decided to write it. Both of my other long stories I had planned out before posting so this is a little bit of an experiment for me. It's also not as well edited or thought out because life is kicking my bootie these days, so please try to overlook any mistakes :)

For background purposes in this story, Alex and Jo have been in a relationship for around four years, but they are still not married. They are very committed to each other and haven't had an actual breakup, but Jo is still hesitant about marriage and Alex, while still hopeful Jo will one day change her mind, has taken Meredith's words in 10x17 to heart.

Cristina left at the end of season 10, but returned to Grey-Sloan sometime after Alex &amp; Jo's daughter was born. She's living with them in her old room for the time being. I don't plan to have Owen show up in the story, but if he does he won't be with Cristina. I loved Crowen &amp; they were my favorite ship for a while, but I now feel they are better apart.

Alex is still working at Lebackes' private practice, but is at the hospital a good bit being the kickass surgeon he is. Jo is about to start her ortho fellowship. Their daughter was a surprise, but they had planned on having children at some point in the near future. Jessalyn Grace Karev is around nine months old at the beginning of this story. She has several nicknames including Jess, Jessie, JK, and stink pot.

I'm planning to do this completely from Alex's point of view which has been more of a challenge than I realized as A) I'm not a guy and B) Alex is a really complex dude

**Rating:** T for language, sexual innuendo, and adult situations.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing related to _Grey's Anatomy_. If there is any doubt, one look at my paycheck would prove it.

* * *

Alex looked around the small exam room, inwardly rolling his eyes at the dated equipment and decor that looked straight out of the 1970s. It was his and Jo's luck that she would become ill while away from Seattle and end up in a dump like this. His heart ached for her, partly because she was so miserable and partly because she hated being so pitiful. His eyes snapped back to Jo at the sound of her moaning. He stood and gently wiped a damp cloth across her forehead as he moved the basin from her lap to the bedside table. "Wait, I may still need that," Jo protested weakly, her eyes fluttering closed.

Alex smiled sadly, "I'll grab it if needed. What else can I do?"

Jo met his eyes and squeezed his hand that was resting at her side, "Stop worrying so much. You're starting to freak me out."

Alex grinned slightly, "I'm freaking you out? A few hours ago you were normal, now you're scarier than the little girl on 'The Exorcist.'

Jo's lips curled slightly as she moaned in pain, "Har Har." Alex pushed some of her hair back and wiped her forehead again before softly kissing her cheek. He hated seeing her in pain and miserable, he would do anything to take it away from her. He felt so helpless. Suddenly Jo grabbed his arm as she curled into a ball, "Basin!"

Alex quickly reached for the hospital issue plastic basin and placed it in her lap before pulling her hair back and rubbing soothing circles on her back. When she finished he wet the towel again and wiped her face as she leaned back against the pillows, "Better?"

Jo cut her eyes towards him, "You're kidding right?"

Alex awkwardly moved to rinse out the bin, "Sorry."

Jo sighed, "I should be the one that's sorry. This is my fault."

Alex narrowed his eyes in thought, "Why do you say that? Your test results aren't even back yet, we don't know what caused this."

"I abandoned our baby for a night of hot sex in a small town inn and now we're stuck in this bandaid station of a hospital that won't even give me something for the nausea! It's kismet!"

Alex looked at her with sympathy, "Stop it, you did not abandon her. Baby girl is fine. Mer won't stop sending pics of her being a "student" for Zola the teacher. We may have a battle on our hands when we go to pick her up."

Jo sighed with a smile, "I miss her."

Alex grinned as he kissed her forehead, "Me too."

At that moment a doctor breezed in, "Ms. Wilson sorry for the delay. I have some good news and some bad news."

"I hope the good news is you finally brought some medicine for her nausea and pain," Alex said gruffly.

The doctor began flipping through the paper chart, "I thought you were already given something."

Alex rolled his eyes, "Are you serious right now?"

The doctor excused himself to bark orders down the hall for medicine before turning back, "Now where was I?"

Alex could feel his blood pressure skyrocketing. Jo seemed to have picked up on this and squeezed his hand before directing at the doctor, "Good news and bad news."

"Ah yes, the good news is we have identified the source of your problems, the bad news is we were overachievers and found more than one issue that could be causing your pain and nausea."

"Which is?" Alex asked through gritted teeth.

"Kidney stones will be one issue. You have several with one being much too large to pass on your own. The good news is we can break them up with a machine called a lithotriptor. It uses shock waves..."

"We know what a lithotriptor does," Alex asserted angrily.

"Okay. Good news is we split time with our sister hospital for the machine and it will be here Tuesday. We'll admit you and..."

Alex narrowed his eyes, "You're joking right? This is a freaking joke. Why would you admit her for four days to do an outpatient procedure?"

"Well she needs fluids and rest. She may possibly need a catheter. Plus we need the GYN to consult on the ovarian cyst."

Alex rubbed his face and started silently counting in an effort to calm down. It would do Jo no good for him to get arrested while she was stuck in this dump. He narrowed his eyes and gritted his teeth once more, "What cyst?"

Jo spoke up, "No kidding, what cyst?"

"You have an approximately ten centimeter cyst on your right ovary. It seems to be twisting somewhat so it needs to be removed soon. Also there's a suspicious spot that we want to biopsy. Does ovarian cancer run in your family?"

Alex felt as if he needed the basin. He looked back to Jo as his world seemed to shatter. Jo took a deep breath before tilting her chin up stoically, "I told the triage nurse, I don't know my family history."

"Ma'am, it's really important that you know that information. Family history is crucial..."

"She knows that, asswipe," Alex barked.

"Alex!"

"No, this isn't working. Give her the damn meds so we can leave," Alex flexed his hand repeatedly trying to keep from punching the wall, or worse the doctor.

"Sir, I understand your frustration, but she needs to be admitted."

"No, what she needs a competent doctor and a medical facility that has seen the twenty first century. Get her discharge information and medicine together so I can get her back home." When the doctor didn't respond, Alex's eyes blazed, "Now!"

"Alex, I think..."

"If you need surgery, you're not having it here in this cesspool. He hasn't even said when the GYN will be here which makes me think it won't be soon." He glanced menacingly at the doctor, who didn't dispute what had been said. "I'll call Mer and Bailey and have them and the on-call GYN ready to check you out by the time we get back to Seattle. We can be there in three hours. We'll take care of you."

Jo smiled and touched his face, "I know you will. I'm going to be fine Alex, stop worrying."

Alex kissed her cheek and teased with forced playfulness, "I'm only worried that I'm going to be playing nurse for one very difficult patient."

Jo laughed and pushed his chest playfully, "And I'm going to be stuck with Nurse Ratched."

Alex smiled at her as he pulled back, unable to shake the feeling that his life would never be the same.


	2. Chapter 2

*****CHAPTER 2******

**Author's Notes:** Hey guys, sorry I've dropped off the face of the earth after posting the first chapter of this. Real life has been nuts and hasn't given me much time to write. Plus against my better judgment, I did a massive rewrite of the whole story this week. Hopefully I will be posting more often from here on out. As always, thank you so much for your support!

For those of you outside of the U.S., I mention FMLA forms in this chapter. FMLA is a law in the U.S. in which eligible employees can file paperwork when dealing with a family or medical issue that will cause them to miss a significant amount of work. If eligible and approved, the employee can take unpaid, job-protected leave and keep their medical insurance through their employer. Did I make that clear as mud? Good.

Hope everyone survived that finale; I'm still a blubbering mess :)

* * *

Alex lay in the floor of the hospital day care center watching his daughter playfully knock over each tower he made of colorful blocks. He smiled despite himself and his worry about Jo. Their daughter was perfect. She had a sweet temperament that both he and Jo joked regularly about where that particular trait could have possibly come from. She was always developmentally a step ahead of other babies her age and was incredibly smart. She had beautiful hazel eyes and blonde hair that was beginning to turn darker.

As Jessalyn knocked over another stack of blocks and smiled at her father, Alex was overwhelmed with emotion. The poor child had no idea that upstairs her mother was on a cold operating table with her body being cut open by their friends. Over the past several hours, Alex had been overwhelmed by thoughts of Jo being riddled with cancer. After Jo was admitted and had fallen asleep with the help of IV pain meds, he lay awake holding her wondering how he could possibly make it without her. And each time he looked at their precious daughter, his heart ached at the thought of her growing up without having any memories of Jo.

Meredith and Cristina had both tried to comfort and calm him. They both had repeatedly told him that things would be fine, and tried to remind him that Jo hadn't been diagnosed with anything serious yet.

But this was him and this was Jo. Of course it would be serious.

Jessalyn gave a large yawn and Alex grinned slightly. He pulled himself up and gathered her in his arms. He then picked up a copy of "Goodnight Moon," his favorite story to read to her at bedtime, and sat in a rocking chair in the far corner. The small girl immediately started to fuss, seemingly knowing it was time for a nap. Alex grinned at her stubborn streak and softly rubbed his thumb between her eyes. As always, the touch calmed her and made her sleepy once again and he began to read the story he could almost recite from memory.

He watched as her eyelids lost their fight and she settled into sleep. He smiled and shut the book, quietly setting it on the small bookshelf next to him. He sat there staring at the sweet child and listening to her even breathing and the creaking wood of the rocking chair. At times like these, he really wished Jo had a picture of herself as a baby; he imagined Jess would be the spitting image of her.

His mind suddenly raced with a growing list of things he needed to do. As soon as Jo had been taken to surgery, he had walked down to Human Resources to get FMLA forms in case Jo needed them. He had reviewed Jo's insurance policies regarding coverage for cancer treatments and hospitalizations and studied the claims process briefly before deciding he needed some time with Jess. He continued to make a mental list of things to handle in the coming days: laundry, paying daycare, rescheduling surgeries. He also pondered what to do if Jo wouldn't be able to climb the stairs at home.

He jerked awake at a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see Meredith looking at him with concern. He started to move, but then remembered Jessalyn was still asleep on his chest, "What's wrong? Are you done already?"

Meredith nodded, "It went smoothly. Jo had..."

Alex cut her off, "Wait, don't tell me now. Let me put her down, I don't want her to hear."

Meredith grinned slightly, "Alex, she's not going to have a clue what we are talking about."

"She might," Alex retorted sharply. "Plus if I get upset I don't want her to see that."

Meredith nodded understandingly, "Here, let me take her and you can talk to Bailey. Alex looked up to see Dr. Bailey leaning against the door to the daycare but was unable to read her expression.

He gently handed off his daughter to Meredith and kissed Jessalyn's cheek softly before following Bailey out in the hall. "What's wrong?"

Bailey sat on a bench in the hall and motioned for Alex to sit next to her. When he didn't, she gave a penetrating stare that he remembered from when he was in intern causing him to immediately comply, "Alex, we didn't find any evidence of ovarian cancer."

Alex exhaled sharply as tears of relief started to form, "None?"

Bailey shook her head, "None. We didn't see any signs on her films and the ovary looked good visibly. Her CA-125 level is perfectly normal."

Alex gave a grin before turning somber again, "Then why do you both look so grim?"

Bailey looked him head on, "The cyst was far more complex than we realized. It had twisted and cut off the blood supply. We tried to correct, but..."

"You had to remove the ovary," Alex finished.

Bailey looked at him with sympathy, "We had to remove the ovary." Alex looked away, upset that it would be harder to have another child. "But, the other ovary looks great and we are going to biopsy the one we removed and test it thoroughly. We were able to do everything laparoscopically. The ESWL procedure went smoothly and I'm sure she will pass the remaining fragments of the kidney stones, but we will be sure she has plenty of pain medication. Do you have any questions?"

Alex shook his head, grateful for the outcome. He looked back in the daycare to see Meredith still holding Jessalyn, who was now awake and grinning at him. "When can we see her?"

Bailey smiled and patted his knee, "Give us about thirty minutes."


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Notes: **I apologize for the wimpy length of this chapter. I promise the chapters to come are longer. Happy un-Grey's Day!

* * *

Alex stood hesitantly at the curtain surrounding Jo's bed in post op, gazing at her longingly. Even in a hospital bed with a thin gown on, she was gorgeous. He was trying so hard to keep his emotions in check but the relief he felt was overpowering. He wondered anxiously how she would take the news of her surgical outcome. Jessalyn shifted on his hip, becoming agitated from boredom in a new environment. He had held her in a way that she was behind the curtain so she couldn't see Jo. He wanted to let Jo rest as much as she could and knew if Jessalyn saw her mother she would squeal. He began to bounce the small girl and softly sang to her trying to keep her happy and quiet.

His eyes snapped to Jo as he heard her weak voice, "Alex Karev, stop monopolizing my baby."

Alex broke into a large grin, "Hey, how are you feeling?"

"Like someone's rearranged my insides." She gave a small grin before narrowing her eyes, "You're still hoarding the baby."

Alex gave a thoughtful look, "Are you sure you're ready?" Jo began to pull off the covers and sit up, "Woah, woah, woah," Alex pleaded as he waved his open arm for her to stop. "Do you really want to hurt yourself by pushing too soon?"

"Alex, I need to hold her. Please. No one's told me anything and I'm freaking out. I need to hold her."

Alex smiled sadly and turned to Jessalyn, "Hey sweet girl, do you wanna see mommy?" He bounced her lightly on his hip, "Huh? Let's go see mommy." He then walked fully into the bay and approached Jo's bed. She reached out for Jessalyn and Alex sadly shook his head, "You can't handle her weight, Jo. Let me sit her beside you." Jo nodded understandingly as Alex used his free hand to pull the covers down to make a spot to place Jessalyn. He sat her down as Jo wrapped her left arm around their girl. Alex gently pulled up the guard rail and moved a chair to sit next to the bed. He watched as Jo stared at the top of Jess's head and stroked her hair while Jessalyn laughed and waved her arms. Alex focused on Jessalyn as he ventured, "You did good."

Jo bit her bottom lip while still stroking Jess' hair, "How advanced is it?"

"No sign of ovarian cancer."

Jo snapped her eyes at him, "You could have lead with that five minutes ago, dipwad."

Alex slowly nodded his head while watching Jessalyn play with her teething ring, "I know. You're right."

Jo sighed, "I was so scared."

Alex looked into her eyes and said simply, "I know."

Jo studied him carefully, "What's wrong?"

Alex looked back at Jessalyn briefly before looking into Jo's eyes, "The cyst had...twisted and cut off blood supply to your right ovary. Jo, I'm so sorry..."

Jo gave a small smile, "Please, I'll trade losing one ovary for full ovarian cancer any day."

Alex gave a confused look, "You're not upset?"

Jo laughed slightly, "I'm too relieved to be sad right now."

"But what if we...?"

"Alex, if we can't have more of our own we can always adopt like we had talked about. Right now I just want to focus on you and Jessalyn. We'll worry with the rest later."

Alex smiled and raised up to kiss her softly, "Are you getting tired? Baby girl and I can go and let you rest."

"Don't you dare!" Jo exclaimed with a poor attempt at being stern. "This is perfect. I need you guys."

Alex smiled as he stood to pick up Jessalyn and turned to sit in the bed next to Jo. He placed the small girl on his lap against his chest and held her with his left arm as he intertwined the fingers of his right hand with Jo's. He kissed Jo's temple and looked at her earnestly, "Not as much as we need you."


	4. Chapter 4

Alex struggled to get the key out of the front door while balancing two pizzas in the other hand, "Home!" He dropped the keys on the table by the door and shrugged off his bag. "Jo? Edwards?" He rounded the corner to see Jo sitting on the floor in front of Jessalyn's playpen with her hand against the net as Jessalyn struggled to stand, "Hey, you okay?"

Jo looked back at him, startled, "Yeah. Yeah, I'm just fighting the urge to get her out." Alex sat the pizzas down on the coffee table and effortlessly picked the little girl up. Jo gingerly stood and grabbed Jessalyn's hand, rubbing it softly with her thumb, "This is torture not being able to pick her up."

Alex shrugged as he kissed the small girl's cheek, "It will be over before you know it. Isn't that right Jess?" He continued to bounce her softly on his hip before realizing Jo had stopped interacting. He snapped his fingers in front of her face, "Earth to Jo."

"What?"

"You zoned out on us."

"Oh."

Alex looked around, "What happened to Edwards? She was supposed to stay with you all day."

Jo nodded, "She left about five minutes ago. I told her she should go get ready for her hot date since I knew you were on the way."

Alex gave a disapproving look, "The deal was for Jessalyn to stay home with you someone had to be here all day. What if I had gotten paged back to the hospital?"

Jo turned and started straightening magazines on the end table, "But you didn't."

Alex sighed and tried to keep his frustrations in check. He walked to the kitchen to get paper plates, napkins, and drinks. When he walked back in the living room, Jo was sitting on the couch staring blankly ahead at the playpen. Alex sat Jessalyn down and walked over to sit beside Jo on the couch, "Do you want Hawaiian or pepperoni?"

"Do you think she realizes I've stopped holding her?" Jo asked while still staring straight ahead.

"What? Jo, you hold her next to you all the time, you just don't pick her up or carry her. And I think she's fine. You're still here and she's getting held."

"By everyone except her mother! Alex, babies are intuitive, what if this is having long-term effects on her ability to bond and be affectionate?"

"Jo..." Alex drawled out trying to derail her thoughts.

"According to my file my first foster placement didn't work because I was fussy and cried nonstop and the family couldn't deal. And I'm sure it was at least partly because it wasn't my mother that taking care of me. Even at that age I knew something was wrong."

"Jo, Jessalyn's fine. She hasn't been crying more, her eating and sleeping patterns are the same, she's happy. And even if she was stressed about you acting differently, she'll probably be fine once things get back to normal around here." Alex looked up to see worry still etched on Jo's face. He rubbed her thigh and added, "Look, you turned out fine even after all the crap you went through. If she has just a fraction of your perseverance she'll be fine. Just look at her, she's perfect. A happy, healthy, beautiful baby." He leaned over and kissed Jo's cheek, "Stop worrying." He then leaned forward to open the pizza box, "I hope you'll feel like leftovers tomorrow, I got two in case Edwards was staying and..."

"What if she's not?"

Alex turned back to her, "You said Steph already left, Jo. You feeling okay?"

Jo shook her head quickly, "No, what if Jessalyn's not healthy."

Alex sighed and leaned back, "She is. She just had her nine month checkup and was fine."

"But..."

"She's fine Jo, what makes you think she's not?"

Jo turned quickly to him, "We don't know half of her genetic predisposition, Alex. She could have something major festering below the surface. Liver Disease, Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis, Juvenile Diabetes, Lymphoma, Li-Fraumeni Syndrome..."

Alex's eyes widened at her tangent, "Where is all of this coming from?"

Jo crossed her arms and leaned back, "I've been thinking about it since my ER visit. For all we know, she could have tumors metastasizing as we speak."

"Jo, stop! You're freaking yourself out. Just look at her, she's fine. If she has something come up hopefully the two doctors that live in her house will notice her symptoms and get her evaluated."

Jo quickly stood, "And if by then it's too late? What if she has Autism and can't communicate to us what's wrong? What if she can't feel pain?"

Alex looked up at her with worry, "She can feel pain Jo, she screamed forever when she got her last shots."

"What if that changes? Huh? What if she..."

"What if she's fine? You've seen for yourself how many parents on the peds floor come in saying there was no family history of the presenting problem. It happens all the time."

"That doesn't make me feel better, Alex!"

Alex shook his head as he tried to pacify her, "I'm just saying even when you know your family history things still happen. She's not at a higher risk for getting sick just because we don't know her exact family history."

"No, she's at a higher risk of her parents missing something!"

"Which we lessen by being physicians, Jo."

Jo vigorously shook her head as she croaked out, "We shouldn't have had her so soon, it was a mistake."

Alex felt like he had been punched in the gut, "How can you say that?"

Jo's eyes filled with tears, "I don't mean she was a mistake, I...I wouldn't trade her for anything in this world. I just...I wish we had known my history before having her. If she gets terribly sick with something I passed onto her I'll...I will never be able to forgive myself."

Alex stood and approached her slowly before reaching out to pull her gingerly into his chest, "Jo, it wouldn't have mattered. We'll handle whatever happens, just like we've been doing. Besides we wanted a baby together, right?"

Jo tried to wipe her cheek the best she could despite her arms being folded against him, "Yeah."

Alex relaxed somewhat as he hugged her closer to him and kissed her hair, "Well we take the good with the bad. I don't care what's in your genetic makeup; I wanted a baby with you. Look at Shepherd and Mer, there's a good chance Bailey could get Alzheimer's, but that didn't keep them from having him because they know their family can handle whatever comes. And we can too."

Jo hesitantly encircled him with her arms and pressed her face in his chest, "Okay."

Alex kissed her hair and pulled her back to the couch, "Come on, let's eat before Jessalyn gets fussy."


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Notes:** Sorry for the delay (again). I keep hoping I'll have more time for writing and posting, but it hasn't happened yet. My fingers are still crossed though!

I want to warn you guys that Alex and Jo are going to be put through the wringer in this story. They are going to argue a good bit and will go through some rough times. I hope you will all trust me enough to keep reading, but if this isn't your cup of tea, I will understand completely!

Thanks so much for reading and for all of you that support me through these ventures. It is much appreciated!

* * *

Alex walked slowly and quietly into the kitchen to look for Jo. He had just arrived home after an exhausting day and was thankful Jess had fallen asleep in the car. He smiled at the sight of Jo fully engrossed in the papers scattered all over the bar. He slowly reached out for her shoulders giving them a slight squeeze as he kissed her cheek, "Hey there gorgeous."

Jo jumped slightly and turned to face him, "That was brave you know, sneaking up on someone like that. I could have stabbed you with my pen."

Alex grinned before grabbing an apple and sitting down beside her, "I think I would survive that."

Jo gave him a sideways glance, "Ah yes, but I'm a talented surgeon; I could do some damage."

Alex hiked his eyebrows at her playfully, "I'll keep that in mind."

Jo giggled slightly as she turned back to her work, "Where's stink pot?"

Alex rolled his eyes at the nickname Cristina had given the baby, "She's asleep in the living room. How was your day?"

Jo straightened her back and stretched, "Good. I read up on some articles, studied for my boards. I rescheduled my interview at Brown for early next month. Ordered a cute outfit for Jess online. It was good."

Alex nodded as he looked at the papers in front of her, "What's all this?"

Jo waved her hand dismissively, "Just the forms I need to complete to get my birth records and request my mother's information."

Alex almost choked on the apple, "The what?"

Jo cut her eyes at him with a questioning look and gave a slight laugh, "Do you need me to speak slower?"

Alex wondered if the immense shock he felt was evident on his face, "But why?"

Jo narrowed her eyes and tilted her head in confusion, "Why not?"

Alex sighed, "Look Jo, I understand your need to get some answers..."

Jo shook her head and focused back on the papers in front of her as she raised her voice sharply, "Like hell you do! Don't patronize me on this Alex."

Alex's eyes widened in response to her outburst, "Woah, I'm not patronizing you. I get it, I really do. At least I want to. Just talk to me."

Jo shook her head as she stared out the window hesitantly, "It's so unfair that I'm thirty-two years old and I don't understand my story any more than I did when I was a child. Nothing makes sense. I deserve to know my history and understand what my future may hold." She looked back at Alex as she wiped tears from her cheeks, "I look at Jess and it I ask so many more questions. I hold her and I...I wonder how my mother could ever let me go like that." She began sobbing uncontrollably, "What was so wrong with me?"

Alex quickly stood and pulled her to stand with him as he wrapped his arms tightly around her. He gently rubbed her back as she continued to sob into his chest. When her breathing evened out somewhat he pulled away and wiped her face with his thumbs. He struggled to maintain contact with her eyes that held more hurt than he had ever seen from her. He searched her eyes, struggling to find the right words. He then softly kissed her forehead, "There is nothing wrong with you, Jo. You are perfect. Jess and I both know that." He could tell she wasn't calming down and pulled her tighter, "And your future...it's with us, right? We're gonna be a family forever, right? The only family either of us need."

Jo drew a shaky breath and slowly nodded her head as she slowly smiled at him and added brokenly, "We'll be great, right?"

Alex gave a full grin, happy that she had picked up on his reference. He pulled her close again as he kissed her hair, "We're already great."

Jo smiled into his chest sadly, "I still have questions."

Alex rubbed circles on her back as they swayed slightly, "I know."

Jo sniffled once more, "This isn't fair."

Alex nodded, "I know." He slowly rocked her as he searched his brain for what else he could say to her, "But it also isn't fair for your parents. I mean they have no idea what they missed out on. I feel sorry for them."

Jo pulled back and gave him a curious look, "Is that so?"

Alex nodded, "Maybe I should try to find them myself to thank them."

Jo took a step back, "Thank them?"

"Well yeah, if they hadn't done what they did then we may not have met." When she didn't respond he tried to lighten the mood, "Plus, I didn't have to go through that awkward meet the parents deal. So I think I at least owe them a card."

Jo shook her head, "You know Alex sometimes you really are an idiot. I'm going to bed." She then shut off the laptop and marched past him angrily.

Alex stood silently in the kitchen for a moment staring at the ceiling. They had been doing so well today. He replayed the conversation in his head trying to figure out what happened. He decided the joke about meeting her parents was a little brash and insensitive, but Jo never got this upset when he was a thoughtless jerk.

He went back into the living room and gathered Jessalyn, who had woken up and was playing with her favorite toy, a blue monkey that lit up and sang. He played with her a bit before taking her upstairs for her bath. He then got her ready for bed and sang softly to her as she drifted back off to sleep. He readjusted the blankets before turning on the baby monitor and silently exiting the room.

He stood in the hallway collecting his thoughts and trying to decide what to do about Jo. He thought she would probably want space, but he didn't want to ignore her either. He took a deep breath and decided to look into their bedroom to see how she was. The sight of her curled up in a ball crying tore at his heart, "Jo?" She didn't respond, only sniffled and curled into a tighter ball. He slowly walked towards her and eased onto the edge of the bed, angling his body to stare at her back, "Jo, look I'm sorry. I was just trying to make a joke. It was stupid and wrong and I'm sorry."

Jo sighed and remained curled up for a beat before jumping to a seated position facing him. Alex felt himself jump in surprise before lowering his eyes in shame upon seeing her swollen face. "You think that's why I'm upset? God Alex, have I ever gotten upset about you making a stupid joke?"

She had him there; it was one of the things he loved most about her. He never had to censor his words around her and could just be himself. And despite that she still loved him. Now he was just confused. He tried to meet her gaze, but still had a hard time looking at her normally beautiful eyes so red and swollen. "Then what's wrong?"

Jo laughed sarcastically and wiped her eyes, "Dear God Alex, you said you're happy this all happened to me."

Alex felt his eyes widen in surprise, "Wait, that is not what I said. I said I should thank your biological parents."

Jo motioned up and down with her hands against her thighs trying to make a point, "That's the same thing, Alex!"

Alex ran a hand through his hair and stood up, "No it's not!"

Jo stood in front of him, "I would never say I should have thanked your dad for his actions towards you. For abusing you and then abandoning you." Her voice took on a mocking tone, "I would never be like 'Oh hey Ms. Helen thank you so much for developing Schizophrenia and not taking care of Alex. It made him be a perfect match for me.' But that's what you're saying."

Alex felt broken-hearted at her words and offered in a low voice, "That's not how I meant it Jo. Nothing hurts me more than to think of what you went through. I just meant it as their loss was my gain. That's all."

Jo wiped her eyes again and grinned with a look he knew meant she was slightly embarrassed, "You could have just said it _that_ way you goof."

Alex gingerly pulled her into his arms and held her close as she began to cry softly once again. Her arms held onto him tight as she continued to sniffle. "I'm sorry, Jo. I am so sorry."

Jo laughed slightly through her tears, "What is wrong with me? I'm a blubbering idiot."

Alex rubbed circles on her back, "You're allowed. You've had a lot go on recently and this stuff is not easy to think about. Plus you're living with a freakin' moron."

Jo laughed as she pulled back to look at him, "I like having you as my freaking moron."

Alex gave her a lopsided grin, "I'm glad." He softly kissed her lips as she ran her fingers through his hair. He pulled back quicker than he wanted to, not wanting to go too far with her so soon after her surgery. He played with her hair as he studied her face, "I want you to know, it was worth it to me. All the hell I went through, I would do it all again to get to you. You're worth it. You don't..."

He felt her stiffen, "Alex..."

"...have to feel the same way. I don't want you too. It kinda makes me sound really screwed up and like I'm a freakin' masochist or something. But that's how I feel." He looked at her troubled face and wanted to kick himself for starting this all over, "I understand you need answers, Jo. I don't have any about my childhood anymore and that's how I'm able to say this. I love you and every nightmare that got me here was worth it to me. I just, I want you to know that."

She pulled him close again and laid her head on his chest, "I love you too. Now shut up and let's go to bed before you say something else to make me cry."

She gave a lightening smile and a wink before walking over to her side and slipping under the covers. He walked into the bathroom to brush his teeth and change into some bed clothes. When he came back out, Jo had turned off all the lights. He muttered to himself as he tried to feel his way in the dark. He tried to quietly slip under the covers, but realized that Jo was sniffling again. He pulled closer to her, spooning her from behind, but she quickly turned in his arms and curled into him, crying softly. He just held her, stroking her hair and rubbing her back, until she finally fell asleep. He stayed awake for a while listening to her even breathing as he pondered how he could possibly help her through this before exhaustion of the day finally took over.


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Notes: Hey guys, sorry I've been MIA. I've been sick and I've had family members in the hospital and it's just been a rotten couple of weeks. I'm going to try my best to post again this week.

* * *

Few things at Grey-Sloan ever really stay the same other than sex in on-call rooms and gossip in the changing rooms. Alex sat on the couch in the attendings' lounge halfway listening to Mer and Cristina talk about Yang's new boy toy and trying not to visibly roll his eyes when Callie came breezing in, "Six car pileup on the way in. Sounds like a lot of fractures with some impalements and massive internal injuries. Grey, you available?"

Meredith's eyes lit up, "Yeah of course!"

Callie came over and kicked Alex's feet off the small table in front of the couch, "Karev, when is Wilson coming back? I need her back on my service."

"Her follow up with Dr. Griggs is next Tuesday. He'll decide then if she's cleared to come back or not," Alex offered in monotone.

Meredith looked at him questioningly, "How is Jo?"

Alex hiked his eyebrows and crossed his arms, "You mean the emotionally unstable woman who lives with me and looks a hell of a lot like my missing girlfriend? Still crazy."

"Alex," Meredith chastised.

"We all knew it would happen eventually right? It just took her around four years. That's a record for me."

Meredith smiled, "She's not crazy Alex, she had..."

Cristina chimed in with a mouth full of apple, "She kinda is."

Alex pointed to Cristina, "See!"

Callie rolled her eyes and laughed, "You didn't think she was crazy before when she clearly had some issues going on." She caught Alex's glare and backpedaled, "I mean she was a spunky hellcat. But _not_ crazy."

Cristina deadpanned, "She's crazy now. She's making Alex sleep on the couch every night."

Alex gave an agitated look, "She's not _making_ me sleep on the couch. I just wait to give her time to go to sleep before I go upstairs and _sometimes_ I fall asleep waiting."

Cristina mouthed, 'Every night' as Meredith grinned and concluded, "You're scared of her."

Alex became frustrated, "I am not scared of her, I just want to avoid another argument."

Callie snorted, "Please, you guys are perfect with a perfect little life. What do you possibly have to argue about?"

Alex gave a disbelieving look, "Have you met us?"

Cristina chimed in, "She wants to find her parents and the unsupportive paramour over here can't get on board."

Both Callie and Meredith exclaimed "Alex!" in unison before Meredith asked, "Alex that may be a good thing. Why would you not help her through that?"

"I'm not answering that. It's none of your business," Alex said sternly as he crossed his arms.

Callie received a page and rushed out of the room. Cristina threw away the remnants of her breakfast and started to walk out, "Since I already know the answer to that, I'm going to get on with my day so I can have time to look for a quiet apartment to rent later."

Alex gave a glare to Yang's back as she left then stared back at Meredith's expectant face, "Just give up now, I'm not talking about it."

Meredith walked over to sit beside him, "Why are you so against this? Maybe she can get some answers and some closure. I'm sure having Jessie has brought up some questions for her." She looked over at Alex who gave a helpless look out the sides of his eyes. "I'm close, aren't I?"

"It's not that I don't support her trying to find her parents, but she's doing it for the wrong reasons. She has no desire to have a relationship with them. She wants to track these losers down and drag up all these feelings just to ask them for a freakin' medical history. What if she can't find them? She'll stress herself out for nothing. What if she learns they are dead? That'll freak her out even more and may cause her to have regrets. What if she finds them and they really are the scum I think they are? What if they harass her for time, love, or support? What if she goes through all of this and they can't answer her questions or they refuse to?"

Meredith gave a nod in understanding, "What if she finds them and gets some closure?"

Alex gave a sarcastic snort, "Now what are the odds of that? And what if she does? I don't know how I would feel about Jess meeting them." He sighed and rubbed the back of his head, "There are just so many things that could go wrong."

Meredith gave a small smile, "You won't know until you try."

At that moment Dr. Bailey walked through to the fridge with a quick glance in their direction, "You two don't have to quit talking, just pretend I'm not here."

Meredith glanced at her pager, "We were done, I've got to get to the ER." She looked back down at Alex, "Don't be stupid."

Alex sat motionless in place replaying Meredith's words when Bailey's voice snapped him out of his thoughts, "Karev, you look like hell."

Alex gave a sarcastic laugh, "Thanks."

Dr. Bailey walked over to the couch and looked down at him, "The baby okay?"

Alex gave a genuine smile and briefly met her eyes, "Yeah she's good, just teething again."

Dr. Bailey gave a knowing smile, "And Wilson?"

Alex's smile disappeared, "We're managing."

Dr. Bailey frowned and sat beside him, "Is she having a lot of pain?"

"No. Just issues of being a mother that can't pick up or carry her child."

Dr. Bailey nodded, "Miss Jessalyn is at a rough age for that."

Alex snorted, "No kidding."

Dr. Bailey started to stand, "Well hang in there Karev; just remember the girlfriend who just had surgery is always right. Plus it's going to take a few months for those hormones to get regulated as the remaining ovary picks up the slack." She watched as Alex nodded in agreement, "Now my lab's calling my name."

Alex sat up eagerly as he asked reservedly, "Dr. Bailey, do you still do map healthy people with no acute symptoms?"

Dr. Bailey gave a confused look, "No, not really. The only people who want to go through that without health issues are adoptees that don't know their..." At Alex's pleading face she stopped and gave an understanding smile, "Tell Wilson to come see me when she's here for her follow up."

Alex gave a hopeful look, "Thank you Dr. Bailey."


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Notes:** I really wanted to update today because I won't be able to again until late next week at the earliest. Thank you guys for hanging in there with me and for your sweet words of encouragement!

* * *

Alex gently lifted Jessalyn from her car seat after a long day. He was looking forward to collapsing into bed as soon as Jess had her bath and was asleep. As he walked up to the house, she soon began trying to put her fingers in his mouth while babbling her current foray into human language. He playfully acted as if he was going to bite her hand while inwardly groaning that she seemed a little hyper. So much for going to bed early.

He walked in the house and was hit with the smell of food and instantly felt better. He turned into the living area and found Jo sitting on the couch looking over some items on the coffee table. She turned towards them and smiled brightly. He walked over towards Jo, smiling at her and Jessalyn's identical expressions of joy. Jo reached over to tickle Jess's stomach causing the girl to squeal and laugh. Alex sat down beside Jo and held Jessalyn on his knee as Jo played with her until the baby's short attention span kicked in and she wiggled to get down. Alex sat her on the floor and she quickly crawled to her toys.

As he was watching Jessalyn make her getaway, Jo leaned over and kissed his cheek, "How was your day?"

Alex smiled warmly, "It just got a hundred times better."

Jo rubbed his thigh as she turned back to the items on the coffee table, "I'm glad. I made some pasta, it's on the stove."

"You didn't overdo it did you?" he asked with worry.

Jo smiled and rolled her eyes, "It felt good. I feel like I've turned a corner."

Alex looked towards the table, "What's all this?"

Jo sighed, "Everything I have to show for my childhood."

Alex picked up a picture on the far side of the table, "Dude, you had some chicken legs."

Jo gave an exasperated look followed by a humorous grin as she leaned against him, "They were not that bad!" Alex held up the picture and pointed it towards her as he made crowing sounds. Jo pushed on his shoulder playfully, "Shut up loser!"

Alex smirked and put the picture down and picked up a tattered report card, "How come I've never seen this stuff?"

Jo rubbed her palms on her jeans, "I don't like looking at it."

Alex looked at her questioningly, "Why not?"

Jo raised her right eyebrow, "When was the last time you looked through stuff from your childhood?"

Alex smirked, "Good point." He leaned back and watched as Jessalyn tried to pull up on the couch next to his knee. "What made you get it out tonight?"

He looked over at Jo, who was staring at Jess with wonder, "She's getting so big so fast."

Alex decided to go with her change of the subject, "Yeah. I sure hope you're better before she takes off walking. I don't think I'll be able to keep up with her without reinforcements."

Jo smiled softly and leaned back on the couch, snuggling into his side, "If she's as much of a rebel as us we are going to be in big trouble."

"No kidding." Alex grinned as Jessalyn clumsily moved to stand between his knees, "I talked to Bailey today. She agreed to map you next week if you want."

Jo gave a look of disbelief and pulled back, "You talked to _Bailey_ about this? Alex, this isn't something I want everyone to know!"

"I didn't tell her anything, I just asked if she was still mapping healthy people and she put the pieces together."

Jo looked at him warily, "Now why would she make that leap?"

"Why wouldn't she? Why else would I ask her that unless it was about you?"

"Why would you ask her that at all?" Jo asked, her frustrations rising.

"To help you get some answers," Alex defended.

"Gene mapping isn't always accurate, Alex! The only way I can feel sure of what I'm predisposed to is to find my birth family. We talked about this!"

Alex ran his hands through his hair, "I just don't feel that's a good idea right now. Why don't we just wait and decide in a few months or so whether or not to go down that road after we've had some time to think it through."

Jo's jaw dropped in shock and gave a sarcastic laugh, "Do you really think I haven't already thought about this? Alex, it's only crossed my mind daily for most of my life!"

Alex rubbed his face, "But you haven't acted on it until now? Why now?"

Jo opened her mouth to speak before shutting it quickly, "I need to clean the kitchen."

Alex looked down at his hands, "I'll give JK her bath."

Alex picked up the child and carried her up to the bathroom. He tried to be playful with her, but felt too defeated to be as goofy with Jessalyn as he usually was. He was rinsing the shampoo from her hair when Jo hesitantly entered the room, "Hey."

Alex looked over his shoulder at her briefly, "Hey."

Jo moved over to the commode and sat on the lid, "Alex, I'm sorry."

He cut her off quickly, "You don't have to be sorry. You shouldn't apologize for how you feel. Whatever you think about all of this is right. They don't exactly write instruction manuals for how to deal with this crap. I...I'm trying to be more supportive."

Jo nodded sadly, "Alex, you get a say in this. You are the most important adult in my life and this affects you too. And until Jessalyn is of age, you always get a say when she's concerned. We just...we need to hash this out."

Alex picked up Jessalyn and wrapped her in a towel before sitting her in Jo's lap so he could straighten up the bathroom, "Not tonight Jo. I'm too tired to fight tonight."

Jo nodded silently, "Tomorrow?"

Alex gave a half grin, "It's a date." He then took the child back, "I'm going to go put her down. Why don't you go on to bed?"

Jo stood and placed her hand on his upper arm, "Why don't I help you with her and then we go to bed together." She gave a brief vulnerable look, "I miss you."

Alex eyes widened slightly before he bent to kiss her softly, "I've missed you too."


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Notes:** Thank you all for your sweet comments and support! I appreciate it more than I can say.

P.S. It's Jolex week guys! If you haven't already, check out FuckYeahAlexJo on tumblr. You won't regret it, especially this week :)

As always, I own nothing related to_ Grey's_.

* * *

The next several days moved slowly for Alex as things became increasingly tense at home. Jo had decided to try the gene mapping with Bailey and put off searching for her birth family, but was still irritated at Alex for asking her to wait before starting a search. Alex had been trying as hard as he could to be supportive, but was quickly losing patience. He didn't want Jo to make any rash decisions, but at the same time he was growing tired of being the bad guy that was always playing devil's advocate. It was exhausting.

Alex hesitated briefly as he spotted Jo at the nurses' station on the peds floor. She was surrounded by hospital staff who were asking about her recovery and gushing over Jess, who was sitting on the edge of the counter with Jo holding her hands. He watched silently, basking in Jo's smile and enjoying the sound of her laugh. He had so missed that sound over the past few weeks.

As he slowly approached, Jo caught sight of him and beamed happily, "There he is! Look Jessie, it's Daddy!"

Alex smiled and gave each of them a kiss on the cheek and made faces at Jessalyn before directing at Jo, "I guess you got the all clear to lift her."

Jo smiled happily, "Yep, and I couldn't wait. I've been lugging her everywhere but I got a little tired. It's crazy how fast your baby holding muscles waste away."

"Did he clear you for anything else?" Alex asked suggestively.

Jo giggled and grinned playfully, "Sorry, still no S-E-X for you."

Alex covered Jessalyn's ears and retorted dramatically, "What if she knows what that spells?"

Jo tilted her head back to laugh at his antics before giving a wide smile, "Well we came to see if you want to join us for L-U-N-C-H in the cafeteria."

Alex eagerly picked Jessalyn off the counter and turned to walk towards the elevators, "Of course, how could I say no to that? So what'd he say about returning to work?"

"Told me I could return next Tuesday if I promise to take it slow. So pretty much just consults and small procedures in the ER."

"Good. Hopefully Torres will stop harassing me about it," he said gruffly as he punched the button for the elevator.

Jo laughed, "Glad my good report will be benefiting you."

"You know what I mean. Besides, it will be good for you to get back to work I think." As the elevator doors opened for them, Jo nodded her head and hummed in agreement while Alex continued with a slight flirtatious tone, "Plus, it makes up for your good report not benefiting me in the ways I had really hoped for."

Jo but her lower lip and her eyes darkened as she murmured lowly, "Dr. Griggs said if I continued to have no pain and felt up to it, I could try that as well come Tuesday."

Alex's eyes widened at her response, "Tuesday huh? Well I'll be primed and ready to go just in case."

Jo laughed and gave him a wink, "Aren't you always?"

"Look who's talking! You practically jump my bones every morning!"

Jo retorted, "Don't flatter yourself, it's not _every _morning. Besides I don't see you complaining."

Alex gave a cocky grin, "Oh I'm not, trust me I'm not."

Jo reached up to give him a quick kiss on the lips before they exited the elevator and walked in silence for a bit towards the cafeteria, "Bailey said she could see us at one thirty. Will that work for you?"

"Sure thing. Do we need to drop little miss off at daycare before we eat so we don't have to backtrack?"

Jo gave a confused look, "Why? She's going to see Bailey too."

Alex cut his eyes, perplexed, "Why?"

Jo gave an amused grin, "How else will Bailey map her?"

Alex stopped walking and turned towards Jo, "Woah, we never talked about mapping her."

Jo furrowed her brows, "Yes we did. You're the one that brought it up."

"For you, not for her!"

"She's the reason we need to know this stuff Alex. This is more for her than me."

"Then we can go off what yours says."

Jo narrowed her eyes, "It's more accurate if it's based off her exact DNA."

Alex stared at her with disbelief, "Then Bailey can take mine to get a more accurate read."

"Alex..."

"No. I didn't agree to that. Why put her through that trauma for something that's not even an exact science?"

Jo's eyes widened in disbelief, "This was _your_ idea!"

"For you!"

"So it's an adequate gauge for me, but it's not good enough for her? What the crap Alex?"

Alex scrunched his face in annoyance, "Oh stop putting words in my mouth!"

"Honestly Alex, if you don't see the benefit for her, why did you suggest it?" Her eyes searched his, but he couldn't form a response. She then took Jessalyn from his arms, "You know what, forget it. We don't need you to be there."

Alex gave a half-hearted "Jo" as he watched her retreat down the corridor.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Notes:** I am really slacking on these updates! Sorry guys, hope I break through this block soon.

Thank you as always for the support. Hope I didn't incite too much Jo hate in the last chapter, not all is as it seems :)

* * *

Alex paced outside of Bailey's lab trying to calm down, but was just becoming more frustrated with each passing second. It had upset him to argue with Jo again, but it frustrated him to no end that she had gone on to Bailey's lab with Jess knowing that he didn't agree to have her tested. The more he thought about it, the angrier he became.

He couldn't figure out what had happened between them. They had been together as a couple almost four years and, sure they had disagreements and arguments, but they were usually few and far between. And she never just blatantly disregarded his thoughts or feelings, especially where Jess was concerned.

He continued to pace as he gathered his thoughts and practiced what to say to Jo when Dr. Bailey walked briskly out of the lab.

"Karev, why are you out here? You should be in there being a supportive partner and helping Wilson fill out all that paperwork."

Alex looked conflicted and struggled with what to say so he offered a halfhearted, "Yeah, I know."

Bailey turned fully towards him, "What's stuck up your rear?"

Alex's eyes narrowed as he gruffly retorted, "I don't have..."

"I've known you ten years Karev, I know when something's eating at you. Spill."

Alex sat down wearily and motioned towards the lab, "I just...I don't agree with this and I...I can't get Jo to see my side."

Bailey slowly sat beside him, "Which is?"

Alex rubbed his face, "I don't know. I just...I don't want this."

Dr. Bailey gave a look of disbelief, "_That's_ your argument? Gotta do better than that."

Alex rubbed his face in worry and frustration. He knew she was right. He stared at the linoleum flooring trying to make sense of his thoughts and put them into words. He felt so lost in his mind and confused to the point that he almost didn't recognize his own voice, "What if learning the results of her map makes us treat JK differently? Like we handle her with kid gloves for the rest of her childhood? That...that's not how we had wanted to raise our children."

Bailey nodded understandingly, "Well have you explained that to Jo?"

Alex gave a sheepish look, "Not in so many words."

Bailey gave a disapproving look, "I figured. Get your behind in there and talk to the mother of your child about this while I go get the testing supplies."

Alex stood and slowly walked to the lab pausing briefly before hesitantly pushing the door open. Jo looked up at him in surprise and then relief while giving a grateful smile. She was balancing Jess on one knee while trying to fill out the forms with her free hand, "You came."

Alex gave a half smile, "Of course I did."

Jo studied him closely, "But you still don't agree."

Alex couldn't hold her gaze, "No, no I don't."

Jo put down the pen and turned to fully face him, "Alex, can you just tell me why you are so against this? I haven't filled out any of the paperwork for her and I won't unless I know you are fully on board and okay with this."

Alex looked at Jessalyn and gave a wistful smile, "Do you remember the night you told me we might be pregnant?"

Jo gave a perplexed look, "I vaguely remember freaking out a little."

Despite everything that had gone on recently, Alex smiled unguardedly and muttered sarcastically, "Understatement of the year."

Jo giggled, "Okay a lot."

Alex grinned as he lowered himself into the chair beside her, "And I told you we would handle whatever happened. And we have."

Jo reached over to take his hand in hers and squeezed it, "But why be blind sighted when we have a chance to prepare a little for what may be around the corner?"

Alex nodded, "I get that, I do." He squirmed briefly in his seat before getting up and pacing slightly, "Do you remember the night we first really talked seriously about having kids? When we decided to start trying after your fellowship was over?"

Jo looked at him cautiously, "Vaguely. As I recall, that was a conversation we had after a few beers."

Alex smirked slightly before becoming serious again, "We talked about how we would raise our kids. That we would give them the most normal life we could and do all the things that we never got to when we were growing up. With camp outs in the living room and backyard, trips to the zoo and museums, movie matinees on our off days, chaperoning field trips..." He trailed off, making sure to catch her gaze, "Taking stale bread to the park to let them feed the ducks."

Jo averted her eyes and nodded, "I remember."

"I just...I worry we won't be able to treat her normally if we do this."

"Alex..."

"Hear me out. What if the mapping shows she may develop Osteogenesis Imperfecta? And we never let her climb trees or play on monkey bars or take gymnastics because we're terrified of broken bones? Or it shows possible heart valve disorders and we keep her off roller coasters? Or it names Epilepsy and so we keep her out of haunted houses?"

Jo took a deep breath, "And what if we don't have the test and she does have Epilepsy and we let her in the haunted house with the freaky strobe lights and she has a seizure and ends up with permanent damage? What then? Do you really want to take that risk Alex?"

"All I'm saying is we test you and me. I'm sure there's more in my genes than Schizophrenia and Heroin addiction. We see what those say and we go off that."

Jo rested her lips on Jessalyn's head in thought, "What's the difference?"

Alex sat beside her again and met her eyes, "The difference is it won't freak us out as much, at least I know I'll feel better if the list of possibilities doesn't have her name at the top. Is that stupid?"

Jo was silent as she gazed into his eyes, "No. No, it's not stupid."

"Look if there's anything on ours that we want to investigate further or we're worried about passing to her, we can decide if we want Bailey to test her. And if not, when she's old enough to understand, we let her decide if she wants this."

Jo smiled at him, "Okay, that's a plan." She began organizing the stack of papers in her hands, "You know you could have explained this earlier."

Alex widened his eyes defensively, "I didn't realize you were thinking about testing her until an hour ago!"

Jo smiled humorlessly, "I really thought you meant for both she and I to be tested from the beginning." She shook her head and smiled, "How is it two people understand each other better than anyone else in the world can and still have that big of a misunderstanding?"

Alex rolled his eyes and deadpanned, "Some days I think Kepner understands me better than you do."

Jo narrowed her eyes at him, "Mmmm, you may be on to something there. Maybe she and I can trade places, I mean Avery isn't exactly bad on the eyes and I've heard he's talented in the sack...It can be like 'Wife Swap: Grey-Sloan Edition'."

"That's not even funny," Alex interjected gruffly.

"And I'm sure Dr. Kepner would be every hot dream come true for you. She can organize your boxed dinners and beer, maybe plant an herb garden out back. Oh, maybe she can paint the bedroom a pretty pink color that would match your skin tone."

Alex rolled his eyes, "You're sick. You know that, right?"

"Well you're sick for even suggesting that Kepner understands you better than I do."

"Touché," he responded with a grin.

Jo looked at him seriously, "Alex, can we just promise to talk about these things from now on instead of assuming we understand what the other is thinking? Especially now that we have Jess. I don't think we'll make it if we don't talk to each other, especially about the big stuff."

Alex raised his eyebrows, "Uh dude, you're the one that walked off."

"I...whatever." She grinned cheekily and handed him a stack of forms, "Here you go."

Alex stared at the packet of paper, "What is all this?"

"The paperwork Bailey needs for you to be mapped. I'm done with mine so chop chop."

Alex rolled his eyes and gave a small grin, truly happy for the first time in weeks.


	10. Chapter 10

******CHAPTER 10*******

Alex rubbed his tired eyes and squinted in the darkness of his bedroom. Something was wrong; he could feel it deep inside. His arms instinctively reached for Jo and were met with cool sheets. He turned on the lamp and felt his heart lodge in his throat at the sight of a piece of paper taped to the shade. He snatched it off, almost causing the lamp to fall off the night stand. His eyes scanned the paper several times, giving his brain time to process the words.

_Alex, _

_I can't do this anymore. I am so, so sorry._

_~Jo_

Alex crumbled the paper in his hand and threw it across the room. He reached for his phone and tried to call her repeatedly, getting an out of service message each time. He laid back in bed for a minute as the tears started running down his face. How could she? Why would she? What did I do wrong? He was startled from his thoughts by Jess's cries through the baby monitor.

He got up and ran into Cristina in the hall, who just shook her head, "She lasted longer than I thought she would."

Alex furrowed his brows at her and spat, "Screw you." He rubbed his face as he reached Jess's door when movement out of the corner of his eye made him jump.

"I wouldn't go in there if I were you."

He glanced up and felt the blood drain from his face, "Mom? What are you doing here?"

"Amber and Aaron brought me. It's been so long since I've seen you."

Alex stared at her questioningly for a beat before hearing voices in Jess's room. He burst in to investigate and immediately felt sick at the sight. Izzie was holding Jess as Ava, Lucy, and Olivia gushed over the baby.

"Her eyes are the same color as his."

"She has his sleepy face."

"And his lips."

"I miss his lips."

"Let's just hope she doesn't have his intimacy issues."

"Or his attitude."

"Or his smart mouth."

"Or his tendency to not listen or be supportive." Alex whirled around to see Jo entering the room. He felt as if he may throw up as she walked past him without a glance and joined the others, taking Jess into her arms.

"Oh definitely."

"Nail on head."

"Welcome to the club you two."

Alex found his voice and stuttered out, "Cl-club?"

Jo smiled at him as she straightened Jess's shirt for him to read, "See? It's the 'I abandoned Alex Karev Club. Established 1988.' Your mom designed it, we all have one." Jo pointed at the other shirts then began laughing hysterically as the others joined in.

* * *

Alex sat up quickly, covered in a cold sweat, his heart racing. He had nightmares occasionally, but nothing compared to that. He stretched, letting out a grunt and tried to get his heart rate to slow. He looked over at the digital clock and rubbed his eyes, surprised he had slept until eight o'clock. He looked questioningly at Jo's empty side of the bed before jumping up and putting on decent clothes. He walked down the hall to Jessalyn's room and was surprised to see her missing along with her diaper bag and favorite toys. He glanced to the changing table and felt his heart drop as he realized the stack of clean clothes that had been there the night before was also missing. He began to panic, afraid that his worst nightmare may have come true, that maybe Jo had decided to leave him and taken Jess with her.

He sprinted downstairs as fast as he could and let out a sigh of relief at the sight of Jo laughing while feeding Jess breakfast. She turned and looked at him questioningly, "Are you alright? It sounded like you were falling down the stairs."

Alex gave a teasing grin trying earnestly to banish his earlier thoughts and slow his breathing, "I'm good, just a little pent up energy. You know from not being able to use it doing other things." He smiled suggestively and kissed her cheek before turning to Jess, "Look at little miss applesauce face!" Jessalyn smiled at him and clapped her hands. Alex hummed and made smacking sounds as he leaned forward to kiss her cheeks, "Yum, yum that's good applesauce!"

Jo laughed from behind him, "Oh the lies you tell!"

Alex turned to her with a playful grin, giving her a full view of the applesauce now on his cheeks, "You don't think it's good? Maybe you should try it again."

Jo's eyes widened at his meaning, "Don't you dare!"

Alex gave a mischievous grin before reaching for her hands. Jo gave a shriek and tried to run, but he caught her from behind before she could clear the other side of the bar. He held her close and rubbed his cheek on hers, the sticky substance smearing on their faces and her hair. He relished the feeling of her in his arms and let her presence further calm his earlier anxiety. He smiled widely at Jo's infectious laugh and looked back to see Jess grinning as well. "See honey, Mommy and Daddy like the applesauce too."

He could sense Jo rolling her eyes at him, but noticed she was relaxing in his embrace, "Speak for yourself, the applesauce is still nasty."

He tightened his arms around her and swayed gently, "Shhh, she can hear you."

Jo let out a short laugh, "Then she'll know that at least I speak the truth."

"I do too, I love the taste of this," he answered in a low voice as he kissed some of the sweetened fruit off her jawline, "It's so intoxicating." The low moan that escaped from her had more of an effect on him than anticipated, causing him to put some distance between them and change the subject, "What were you thinking of doing today?"

He walked to the sink to wet a cloth and went to Jessalyn to wipe her hands and face as Jo watched him in a daze, "Huh? What?"

Alex raised an eyebrow at her, "Did you have any plans?"

Jo shook her head quickly, "I was thinking it would be a nice day to try out the zoo. Or the park. You know, something outdoorsy that we haven't done with her yet. What do you think?"

"You think she's old enough for the zoo?" he asked skeptically.

"Why not? She loves it when you make animal noises at her," Jo teased as she cleared Jess's dishes. "I'm going to take a shower and wash the applesauce from my hair."

Alex lifted Jess from the high chair and turned towards Jo, "Want some company?"

Jo giggled slightly, "Who's going to watch stink pot?"

Alex grinned, "She's old enough to be independent for ten minutes."

Jo's eyes widened as she laughed before teasing, "Even if I agreed with that, when's the last time we were done in ten minutes?" She reached up and kissed him quickly before tickling Jess and kissing her cheek, "I'll be quick. I already packed her bag so she's ready to go."

Alex watched Jo sprint up the stairs unable to contain his grin. He looked back at Jess and smiled before kissing her cheek, "Did you hear that? Mommy doesn't think you're ready to be left alone. Isn't that silly? We could probably leave you home alone all day and you'd be okay. Don't ya think big girl?"

"She's turned you into a disgusting sap." He turned quickly to see Cristina in the doorway of the kitchen, her nose curled in disgust, "Really, it's hard for me to watch you embarrass yourself like this."

Alex gave a derisive snort as he popped some bread in the toaster for himself, "Good morning to you too, Aunt Crissy."

Cristina glared as she moved past him to get to the coffee maker, "Do you want her to watch you get physically harmed?" She then turned to Jesslyn, "Hello stink pot, can you say 'Evil Spawn'? Say 'My daddy is the spawn of evil.'"

Alex furrowed his brow and frowned as Jessalyn babbled along with Cristina happily. "If she calls me that, I'll be sure you are Aunt Crissy for the rest of time."

Cristina waved him off as she stirred her coffee, "It'll be worth it, Evil Spawn."

Alex rolled his eyes and then turned to Jess wide-eyed, "Daddy. Daaaa-deee._ Daaaa-deee._"

Cristina sighed as she turned to him, "This is gross. I feel like I don't know you at all."

Alex was about to give her a witty retort when Jessalyn began babbling again, "dadadabbbbff."

Alex felt like he may drop her as he stared unbelievingly. "Did she just call me 'dada'?" he asked in awe.

Cristina looked at him sideways, "No, but it was unfortunately closer to dad than evil spawn."

At that moment, Jo came bounding back into the room busy pulling her hair into a ponytail, "Ready to go?"

Alex didn't respond, still staring star-struck at his daughter. Cristina began to walk out of the room, stopping to whisper to Jo, "Shhhh. He thinks your daughter just addressed him in modern English. He may need a minute."

Alex then turned to look at Jo, who was staring at him in shock, "She said something?" Jo then approached them and took Jessalyn from Alex, "Huh? Did you say something baby?" She looked up at Alex, "What was it?"

Alex was still staring at Jess and offered quietly, "Dada."

Jo's eyes flew open as she reached for his hand to squeeze it affectionately. She kissed Jess's cheek, "Can you say it again? Say 'Dada.'"

Jess waved her arms and laughed, "dabbbbfft."

Jo smiled and smoothed the small girl's hair, "Awww, good try baby, you'll get there soon."

Alex looked at Jo in shock, "What do you mean 'good try'? She just said dada!"

Jo laughed and kissed him softly. "I think what she said was closer to dada than mama," she gave as a peace offering as she gathered Jess's diaper bag and headed to the car with Alex right behind her. "Besides she mastered 'bye' and 'no' pretty fast so it won't be long that she's whining for her daddy nonstop."

* * *

The day was perfect for a visit to the zoo. The weather was clear and just the right temperature with a light breeze. Because the weather was so perfect, Alex and Jo decided to leave the stroller in the car and take turns carrying Jess. Alex was mesmerized by how Jessalyn was able to pay close attention to several of the exhibits. She particularly loved the bird house and the monkeys, especially after he had mimicked the monkeys to her.

"I think we're going to have to come back soon, I don't think I've ever seen her like this," Jo said as she leaned against Alex's side as he looked at a map of the zoo.

He leaned over and kissed her forehead, "You look so much more tired than she does and she's the one missing her nap. Do you need to go?"

Jo smiled at him, "I go back to work next week, I need to be able to outlast my baby during a day at the zoo."

Alex took Jess from Jo's arms and laughed as Jess never stopped eagerly looking around. He noticed Jo had not pulled off of his arm. He looked around for a place to rest and saw a merry-go-round, "Hey, wanna do that?"

Jo picked her head up off his arm to look at what he was motioning towards, "The carousel?"

"Yeah. It could be fun."

Jo looked at him shyly, "I've never ridden one."

Alex tried not to look too surprised in order to not cause her embarrassment and lightly said, "Well first time for everything. Come on." The line was short so they were able to board quickly. Alex followed Jo to the bench and watched her sit down and gaze at the other riders. "Really? Your first ride and you choose the bench?"

Jo looked at him in surprise, "JK needs to take it slow. It's her first time too; she's kinda young for this."

Alex sighed as he sat next to her and helped Jess stand on his legs so she could see more, "You're never too young or too old for the merry-go-round."

Jo cut her eyes playfully, "Look at you being all philosophical."

Alex rolled his eyes and grinned, "Shut up."

Jo tilted her head back to laugh. She then became somewhat serious again, "So you've done this before?"

Alex tried to keep control of Jessalyn as she eagerly bounced on his legs and attempted to move away from him, "Yeah. Believe it or not I actually rode one with Jimmy once. It's one of the few good memories I have of him. There's not a whole lot of fun stuff to do in Iowa, so when the fair rolled around it was a huge deal. In college I would ride over and over to pick up hot chicks."

Jo smiled sarcastically at him, "Nothing makes me happier than listening to my boyfriend talk about scoring with other women in front of our daughter."

Alex grinned back and laughed slightly, "Who said anything about these attempts being successful?"

Jo laughed, "You must have really had a thing for girls with bad taste."

"Well I wasn't the fine specimen you see today," he said smugly. At her smile he added seriously, "I got the two girls I wanted." She grinned happily before leaning up to kiss his cheek. He smiled back at her as time seemed to stand still. Jessalyn broke the spell they were under as she started to squeal at something on the outer edge. He handed her over to Jo as the ride started to slow, "Here we need to get a picture of this mother-daughter first."

Jo smiled brightly as Alex stood to take the picture. As he straightened up, an older woman offered to take a picture of the three of them. Alex eagerly handed over his phone and sat back down on the bench, snaking his arm around Jo and pulling them close. Jo then decided she wanted to ride again on one of the plastic animals. Alex sat Jess in front of her and held the baby as they rode once again. He smiled unguardedly as both Jo and Jess laughed with happiness. Jo then insisted that Alex ride with Jess as she rode on the unicorn next to them. Alex didn't believe there was a time that he had ever been happier, so it came as no surprise to him when their happy bubble was burst as soon as they stepped off the carousel the third time.

Jo fumbled with her bag searching for her ringing phone as Alex tried to quiet Jess, who was crying to ride the merry-go-round again. Jo looked at him with a troubled expression before walking quickly to a park bench. Alex slowly followed after her, not wanting to crowd her, but also not wanting to leave her alone. When Jo ended the call she sat with her head bowed looking at the phone in her hands. Alex placed a hand on her shoulder, "Jo?"

Jo never looked up and solemnly answered, "That was Bailey. She has our results."


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note:** Thanks for all the support guys, you rock!

I'm by no means an expert in genetic testing and only had time for a little research so please overlook any errors :)

* * *

Alex drove towards the hospital with his gaze unwavering from the street in front of him. The silence in the car was deafening. Jess had fallen asleep before they even got out of the zoo's parking lot and Jo was now staring out the passenger window not focusing on anything.

Alex tried to prepare for what Bailey might tell them, but how exactly does one do that? He wished Bailey had given him a heads up so he could think and practice what he might say to Jo. He knew regardless of what the results were, hearing what Bailey had to say would be hard on her. He wanted to kick his own ass for ever suggesting this.

When they arrived at the hospital, Jo quickly got out of the car without a sound and worked on getting Jessalyn out of her restraints almost as if she was on autopilot. Alex walked around to the passenger side and placed his hand on her shoulder, "Jo?"

Jo jumped and whirled around to look at him curiously as if she had forgotten he was there, "Yeah?"

Alex took a deep breath, "We don't have to go in you know? We don't have to hear the results."

Jo rolled her eyes angrily, "Now why would we not?"

Alex shook his head, "I'm just saying we have that option. No matter what it says in there we're both going to get thrown for a loop. We just...we don't _have_ to know."

Jo turned away from him and nodded in agreement as she fought nervously with the car seat, "You're right. We both don't have to know. You can skip yours. But I...I have to know."

Alex took a deep breath and reached out to massage her shoulders and kissed her behind her left ear, "Whatever it says, we'll be alright." He reached around to hug her shoulders as she leaned back against his chest, "I know it."

Jo sighed as she reached up to hold onto his forearms and leaned further back to rest her head on his shoulder, "I wish it were that easy."

"It is," Alex asserted confidently. He then leaned over to kiss her neck, "The damn test could say you'll have leprosy along with the Bubonic Plague and some crazy, incurable, contagious rash on your womanly parts and I still wouldn't give a damn."

Jo laughed, "That may just be the sweetest, most romantic thing you've ever said to me."

Alex gave a low laugh that rumbled in his chest, "Don't get used to it." He kissed her cheek quickly before pulling Jess from her seat and handing her to Jo.

They walked into the hospital side by side. As they waited on the elevators, Jo reached for his hand, squeezing it tightly. Alex ran his thumb along the knuckle of her index finger and felt his anxiety increase. The hall leading to Bailey's lab seemed to get longer with each step they took and it seemed to take forever to get there.

When they entered, Bailey's face was a mask although she gave a slight motherly smile to each of them. Jo smiled reservedly in return and offered apologies, "I'm sorry we have a visitor with us, we were spending the day at the zoo."

Bailey gave an exaggerated look of shock to Jessalyn as she took the child from Jo's arms, "The zoo? Did you have fun at the zoo sweetheart?"

She continued to baby talk to Jess about the zoo as Alex and Jo sat down in the chairs facing Bailey's desk. Alex noticed Jo's trembling fingers on her lap as she continued giving Dr. Bailey a fake smile. He reached over to squeeze Jo's hand and played with her fingers briefly. She gave him a fleeting glance and a lightening smile. He looked towards Bailey, who was still focused on Jess, "Dr. Bailey?"

Dr. Bailey looked up surprised, "Yes? Oh yes, the results." She then turned to fully look at the nervous couple and shuffled some papers on her desk, "Let's review the results of the genetic testing with your combined DNA first. I consulted a geneticist to be thorough, who agreed that there are no major conditions to be concerned about for any offspring the two of you might share. Of course we can't rule everything out completely, but she did compile a list that she ruled out as possibilities for you two to review."

Alex felt his hands shake as he and Jo reached for the copies Bailey offered. His eyes welled slightly looking over the results. He glanced at Jo, who had covered her mouth with her hand and was fighting tears. He reached over to run his hand over her back as she gave him a lightening smile. He returned it briefly before turning back to his mentor, "Thank you Dr. Bailey."

Dr. Bailey gave a nurturing smile, "Now not to be...insensitive in any way, but we also as part to the testing did a relation screening on the two of you. It's common as part of genetic testing to inform potential parents of possible incest."

Alex felt his blood boil and his chest tighten, "What? Are you kidding me right now?"

He felt Jo squeeze his hand, "It wasn't a bad idea Alex. I mean it's not a completely irrational notion. I don't know where I came from. For all I know my mother could have traveled from another state to leave me so she couldn't be tracked."

Alex sat back in his chair stunned, "How are you so calm right now?"

Jo smiled slightly, "Because if we had tested as related, Dr. Bailey would have prepared us for the blow better and probably would have had backup in here. Cause we both would have lost it."

Alex looked at her in shock and rubbed his head, "I feel sick."

Dr. Bailey spoke up as she repositioned Jessalyn, "Listen Alex, this wasn't to upset anyone. Like I said that's part of genetic testing. It actually happens more than you think that strangers end up being related in some way. Whether from cut family ties or indiscretions by a parent or grandparent."

Alex rubbed his palms on his thighs to get them to stop sweating, "Well that fits."

Dr. Bailey gave an understanding, tight lipped smile, "This wasn't based on any history Alex, it just comes as part of the testing to be as thorough as possible."

Alex glanced at Jo, who had tears in her eyes she was trying to hide as she looked at the papers in her hands. He glanced back to Dr. Bailey, "Can we have a minute?"

Jo looked up surprised, "No, no I'm fine really. Let's just push through the rest of this."

Dr. Bailey gave a sympathetic look, "Are you sure you don't need a break?"

"I'm sure," Jo reassured quickly. She glanced over to him and patted his cheek, "I'm fine I swear. Unless you need a break."

Alex shook his head slightly, "No, no let's get the results and go home." He quickly reached over and kissed her cheek softly to reassure her and gave her hand a quick squeeze.

Dr. Bailey began shuffling some other papers, "Okay. Karev, let's start with you."

Alex gave a shocked look and stated tersely, "You should start with Jo."

Dr. Bailey gave him a sharp look, "And I said we would start with you!"

Alex slumped back in the chair and crossed his arms, effectively chastised, "Fine."

Dr. Bailey mumbled slightly under her breath as she looked for a pen, still juggling Jess on one knee. When she was ready, she looked up at the couple once again and cleared her throat, "As we discussed previously, genome mapping is still a relatively new field and while still a precise tool rooted in science, it..."

"Just give us the damn results!" Alex exploded causing both women to jump and Jess to cry. Jo shot him a dirty look as she moved to comfort the child and brought Jess back to sit with her. Alex rubbed Jessalyn's left hand soothingly and smiled at her before looking at the floor, "What I meant to say is, please Dr. Bailey, can you give us the results?" He glanced up at Dr. Bailey, who looked as if she could shoot him with daggers of fire from her eyes. Alex looked back at his feet and mumbled, "Please...ma'am?"

Dr. Bailey set her jaw in annoyance, "Fine. You listed in your pre-testing survey that you expected to see Schizophrenia and substance abuse in your testing. Do you wish to add to that at all?"

Alex shook his head and met her gaze, "No, that's all I know."

Bailey nodded solemnly, "Well the testing indicated that you also carry a gene for the development of Parkinson's Disease. However, that risk looks minimal right now. Very minimal. Of course you want to be mindful of the risk and be watchful of possible symptoms and have needed screenings when appropriate."

Alex noticed that Jo had placed her hand that wasn't holding Jess into his lap to squeeze his hand. He nodded his head at Bailey as he stared at Jo's hand in his and was contemplating how perfectly they fit together. He was so engrossed in his thoughts that he missed Dr. Bailey had continued on, "I'm sorry Dr. Bailey, what did you say?"

Dr. Bailey gave a sympathetic look, "Do you need a minute Alex?"

Alex shook his head quickly, "No, just tell me about my high risk of developing Schizophrenia and a love for needles."

Jo gave him a conflicted look as she tightened her grip on his hand. Dr. Bailey gave a small smile, "The risk of developing Schizophrenia or an addiction to illegal drugs was determined to be significant on your genome profile. However, as you well know, you are past the typical age of onset for initially demonstrating symptoms of schizophrenia."

"Are you calling me old?" Alex asked with forced levity.

Dr. Bailey gave a motherly gaze, "It works in your favor this time Karev. And I know you aren't about to put your nose to a flat surface or tie a tourniquet around your arm, right?"

Alex resisted the urge to roll his eyes, "Of course not."

"What about for Jess?" Jo asked with her lips to the child's head and her eyes glued to the floor.

Dr. Bailey have a sympathetic look, "Genetic factors related to mental health and substance abuse are still not well understood. It's possible that she will be at greater risk, but nothing is concrete in those areas. Hopefully more research will be done in the coming years to give a more definitive picture, but until then just raise her the way you have, in a loving, stable environment." Dr. Bailey honed in on Alex's thumb massaging the back of Jo's hand and added, "Alex knows what to do to keep that from happening. He practically raised his brother and sister and they didn't use illicit substances." She smiled at Alex's sharp look of surprise, "I hear everything. You should know that by now."

Alex gave a quick half smile of gratitude, "Anything else show up on my profile?"

Dr. Bailey looked back at her papers, "No, that's all that the testing showed."

Alex let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding and stole a glance at Jo. She smiled slightly and squeezed his hand before whispering only for him to hear, "No future incurable rash on your man parts? I'm so relieved."

Alex gave a half smile and laughed slightly before Dr. Bailey interrupted any possible retort, "Wilson, let's review your results."

Alex felt Jo stiffen beside him and he rubbed her hand between his. "It's going to be okay," he whispered assuredly.

Jo smiled slightly at him as Dr. Bailey spoke up, "He's right Wilson, only type 2 diabetes showed on your profile with a moderate risk."

"That's it?" Jo asked in surprise.

"That's it."

Alex wanted to jump for joy and kiss Dr. Bailey, but felt Jo grow distant next to him. She pulled her hand away from him and stared straight ahead, "Are you sure Dr. Bailey?"

Dr. Bailey nodded confidently, "I ran it three times."

Jo stood and turned Jessalyn to face her before offering in monotone, "Thank you for your time, Dr. Bailey."

Dr. Bailey gave a tight smile, "You're welcome Dr. Wilson."

Jo then fled from the room leaving a shell-shocked Alex seated in front of Dr. Bailey, who was quietly starting to gather the reports. "I don't get it," he mumbled quietly.

Dr. Bailey looked up at him through her eyebrows, "Think about it a second, it'll hit you."

Alex ran his hands through his hair and stood up quickly, "She's been going nuts worried about passing something horrible on to Jess and we get the best news possible and she becomes a zombie... Like she's...disappointed." He turned and began to pace, "It doesn't make any freakin' sense."

Dr. Bailey turned to grab her bag, "Keep digging for it Karev."

Alex rubbed his forehead for a minute as he thought hard about the past few weeks, but was unable to come up with anything, "You know Mer keeps fussing because I say Jo's going crazy, but I really think I'm right. Who does this? Who gets upset when they find out there is nothing in their family history that is overly concerning? My girlfriend, that's who. Geez, what did I do in a past life to get this hand dealt to me over and over?"

Dr. Bailey had sat back down and was resting her head in her hand, her index finger tapping her cheek, "You're right Karev, she's nuts. She finds out there isn't one terrible thing in her genetic makeup and she gets upset." She then widened her eyes and deadpanned, "Mind blowing."

Alex slumped in the chair and scrunched his eyebrows, "You're saying this makes sense?" He paused for a second in deep thought, "Is this an estrogen thing?"

Dr. Bailey dropped her hand to the desk and sighed, "You're smarter than this Alex, just look at it from her eyes! How have you lived with her this long and not gained any more insight than this?"

Alex rolled his eyes and thought back over their last few arguments before softly venturing, "She wanted to hear something bad." He glanced up at Dr. Bailey, who motioned for him to continue. Suddenly it hit him, "She wanted to find the reason she got dumped at that firehouse through this testing."

"Well look who finally joined the party," Dr. Bailey said sarcastically as she stood, "Although when you talk about this with your long-suffering girlfriend, I would avoid using words like 'dumped'."

Alex pulled her into an awkward hug, "Thank you Dr. Bailey, you just saved my back from the couch." He then gave a boyish grin as he quickly exited to find Jo.


	12. Chapter 12

**Author's Notes:** Hey guys, I want to give you all a heads up that I most likely will be taking a little hiatus from this story. My dad has been sick for quite a while and is having a major procedure within the next few days. The doctors have been kind of grim so any positive vibes, thoughts, prayers, etc. would be much appreciated!

As always, thank you all for being so great. You all make writing so much more fun :)

* * *

"Jo?" Alex ventured quietly as he found Jo sitting on a park bench outside the main entrance to the hospital rocking a sleeping Jess in her arms.

Jo quickly swiped at her eyes without looking at him, "Hey! Are you ready to head home?"

Alex slowly lowered himself to sit beside her and put his left arm around her shoulders, giving them a gentle squeeze, "You okay?"

Jo looked up at the sky and laughed, "I should be asking you that!"

Alex looked at her in confusion, "Me?"

Jo turned to give him a confused look, "Yeah you. Why aren't you upset? You've talked before about how much you hate seeing Michael J. Fox suffer with his Parkinson's..." She started to sniffle again, her body trying to fight off her emotions, but still jerking slightly with muffled sobs.

Jess soon awakened to the movement and Alex quickly took her and laid her on his chest. He softly rubbed her back soothingly trying to get her back to sleep and spoke softly to Jo, "I'm okay Jo. Really. Those results don't bother me." She tried to wipe her cheeks as the tears kept coming. He looked on in anguish, not knowing what to do. He softly placed his left hand on her thigh to rub it gently as she calmed down. He looked up and noticed some interns looking their way curiously and decided they should leave before too many people saw Jo in this state. He stood and offered her a hand, "Here, let's go find something to eat and go home."

Jo tentatively took his hand as she stood and didn't let go as they walked to the car. Alex gently put the still sleeping child in her car seat and softly kissed Jessalyn's forehead. As he rounded the car to get in the driver's seat, he looked over to see Jo gazing mindlessly at the car parked in front of them. As he sat down she turned to him and suggested, "Why don't we call in a to-go order from that diner you love and go home?"

Alex gave her a quick smile as he cranked the car, "Sounds great to me."

When they arrived home, they alternated feeding Jess some of their respective dinner as they talked about mindless hospital gossip and recent cases. Alex went along with the conversation, allowing Jo to lead the topics, hoping that she would bring up the testing results. He was disappointed when the subject hadn't come up again by the time they were finished eating. Jo slowly stood and gathered the takeout cartons, "Why don't I give her a bath and put her to bed while you watch the game?"

Alex stood and put his hand on her shoulder, "Why don't we talk instead?"

Jo looked at him with hopeful eyes and leaned up to kiss him softly, "Okay. I'll be right back." He watched as she tossed the trash then quickly ascended the stairs with Jessalyn. He walked to the refrigerator to retrieve a beer and decided to sit on the porch for a bit to gather his emotions. He got lost in his thoughts and didn't hear Jo walk up until she was standing in front of him holding out another beer to him, "I thought you might be ready for another one."

He gave a grateful half smile as he took the bottle, "You know me too well. Thanks."

She gave a small smile and sat next to him, curling slightly into his side and resting her legs across his. She put the baby monitor on the seat beside her before turning her torso fully to him, "I figured it was the least I could do."

Alex tipped his head back to take a swig of the drink before looking at her questioningly, "What are you talking about?"

Jo put her hand on his chest and rubbed it slightly, "You've had to pick up so much slack around here since my surgery and you never once complained."

Alex shrugged his shoulders and softly murmured, "We're a team, you'd do the same for me."

Jo smiled softly, "I've been a nut job and you've been so good about it. I know crazy is not your favorite look on a woman."

Alex hiked his brows and kissed her forehead, "You haven't been that bad."

Jo laughed slightly and burrowed further into his side, "Liar."

He rubbed her upper arm, "If you didn't act a little nuts after all of this I would have worried. Besides, I love you crazy or sane. You're the exception to the rule."

Jo looked at him amused, "Good to know." Alex shared a smile with her and took another drink from his beer as she again rested her head on his shoulder, "I'm also sorry I drug you into this gene mapping thing. I'm so, so sorry Alex. I never would have agreed to it if I had known this was going to happen."

Alex looked at the top of her head confused, "What are you talking about?"

Jo broke away from him in order to meet his eyes, "You can't tell me those results didn't freak you out."

Alex widened his eyes, "Why would they? I knew the schizophrenia and substance abuse were there, that's not front page news."

Jo shook her head, "But Parkinson's, Alex? Just what every surgeon wants to hear. I mean that's something that could end your career! Why are you okay with that?"

Alex sighed, "Because Bailey used the word 'minimal', because that's most likely years off if it even happens, because there's two dozen other things I can do if I can't do surgery anymore. And even if it's right and I do end up with Parkinson's, I was born with the gene Jo. You didn't put it there so why are you apologizing? And let's not forget this test isn't always accurate, I mean Bailey told Shepherd he'd have male pattern baldness for goodness sakes."

Alex looked on in shock as Jo started to laugh uncontrollably, "Dr. Shepherd's said _what_? Why didn't you tell me that sooner?"

Alex rolled his eyes playfully, happy that her mood was improving, "I'm just saying my results don't bother me...unless you have a problem being seen with a has-been surgeon who becomes a boring consultant or teacher?" He trailed off softly as he leaned over to nuzzle her neck.

Jo laughed merrily as she placed her hand on the back of his head, urging him on, "I don't think that will be a problem."

Alex felt a burst of lust and trailed kisses across her chest to the other side of her neck, "You're okay being with a shaky old man fifty years from now?"

Jo's voice turned serious, "I...I don't know."

Alex stiffened in shock and glanced at her face, "What do you mean?"

"Well I'm going to possibly need someone to give me insulin shots for my Diabetes. Can't rely on you to do that now," she said with mock seriousness before grinning widely.

Alex felt himself relax as he returned to her neck, "That's what Jess and her future siblings are for. Not to mention the grandkids,"

Jo giggled, "Oh, is that right?"

Alex hummed in affirmation as he pressed kisses up to her jawline and met her lips. His right hand gently skimmed the skin at her waist before traveling upwards under her shirt. Her soft moans spurred him on until he realized she still hadn't been cleared for what he really wanted to do. He slowly broke the kiss and pulled away slightly, waiting for her to open her eyes before apologizing, "I'm sorry Jo; I got carried away and forgot."

Jo reconnected their lips as she slid her fingers under his shirt and stammered out between kisses, "It'll be fine, what's three days anyway?"

Alex immediately pulled back and shook his head, "Oh no, I'm not falling for that. I'm not going against doctors' orders when it comes to you."

Jo furrowed her brow in confusion, "Oh come on, you're a doctor for crying out loud. You should be able to tell I'm obviously fine!"

"Dealing with female parts is not my area of expertise," Alex pointed out as he shifted further away from her.

Jo gave a low chuckle and murmured as she kissed his shoulder, "I disagree."

Alex rolled his eyes, "Jooooo. Come on, I'm trying to do the right thing here!"

Jo scowled and crossed her arms, "Spoil sport."

Alex leaned over and kissed her cheek, "I'll make it up to you in seventy-two hours."

Jo gave a wicked smile, "Promise?"

Alex smiled as he pulled her back to him, "Promise." They slowly rocked in the wooden swing, each lost in their own thoughts, for several minutes before Alex hesitantly broke the silence. "How are you feeling?"

"About?"

Alex sighed in frustration, "Coy is not really a good look on you."

Jo gave him a playful smile, "I was under the impression you didn't think I had a bad look."

Alex rolled his eyes, "Can you be serious for a minute? Are you capable of that?"

Jo buried her face into his shoulder again for a beat before sighing and sitting up, curling her feet under her, "Honestly I'm feeling overwhelming relief."

Alex was thrown off by her answer, "Relief?"

Jo gave a perplexed look, "Well yeah. For Jessalyn...and her future siblings." She bumped his shoulder with hers and gave a brilliant smile.

Alex took a deep breath and pulled her back closer to him, "That's not what your face showed when you left Bailey's lab."

She rested her head on his shoulder once more and paused before offering, "I felt...guilty...for your results. You went through the testing for me and then got dealt the worse results. It's not fair; you don't deserve any of that. And hearing what may be in your future hurts me so bad Alex. I can't stand the thought of you going through any of that ever. "

The sadness in her voice for him threw him off guard. Alex felt his throat constrict with emotion for her. He rested his lips on her temple, "Yes, and we covered that already. Why don't you tell me what else is going on in that mind of yours."

Jo reached up to hold his hand that was around her shoulders, "Nothing. That's it. Guilt and fear for you and relief for Jess."

Alex sighed into her hair, "You were disappointed."

Jo turned to give him a shocked expression and laughed nervously, "Now why would I be disappointed?"

Alex shrugged his shoulders, "You tell me." He watched Jo struggle with words for a minute before suggesting, "Maybe you're upset my future illness is more bad ass than yours." He pursed his lips in thought, "Maybe you have a touch of Munchausen's and were hoping to get sick. Or maybe you were hoping for something to finish me off early so you could upgrade to a newer model."

Jo rolled her eyes and smiled, "Yeah that's it. You got me."

"Or maybe you were hoping to get some answers about your birth mother through that test," Alex offered quietly. Both of them remained silent as the comment hung heavy in the air between them. Jo's chin began to quiver slightly as Alex's heart began to once again break for her, "Jo?"

Jo sniffled and looked at him with a smile, "How the hell do you read me that well?"

Alex held her gaze and squeezed her hand, "Jo?"

Jo jerkily wiped her cheeks, "A small part of me wanted to hear something that might explain me being left in the cold without so much as a note. A small part was...hopeful I guess for an explanation...as sick as that sounds. Until Bailey said she was done...and then it was...overwhelming grief. I guess I always hoped there was a logical reason for how I ended up on those steps, but now I guess we can rule out a medical reason, right? How does a mother do that? That stupid, selfish bitch!"

Alex hugged her tightly to him as she cried on his shoulder. He offered soothing words of comfort as his left hand rubbed circles on her back. When she began to calm down, he whispered in her ear, "There could still be a logical, sensible reason. Just because nothing showed up on the test doesn't mean she didn't have a valid reason."

"There's never a valid reason for abandoning a child, Alex."

"That's not what I mean and you know it. I'm just saying there still may be a good explanation for why she did what she did."

Jo pulled back and looked at him hopefully, "Like what?"

Alex's eyes widened in slight panic, "I don't know...she was on the run from the mob?"

Jo laughed slightly and kissed his cheek, "Thank you for trying."

Alex looked deeply into her eyes for a bit, getting lost in her vulnerability, "There still may be a logical explanation. We could dig around and try to find out."

Jo looked at him with a creased forehead, "You've been totally against that."

"Well I was wrong," he offered clearly.

Jo looked at him for a second, studying his face, before whispering dramatically, "I don't think I've ever heard you say that."

Alex rolled his eyes, "Come on Jo, I'm being serious here."

Jo narrowed her eyes in thought, "What made you change your mind?"

"I thought you were being impulsive and driven by your imbalanced hormones. I just...I didn't want you to make a rash decision or jump off the deep end when you weren't emotionally ready for what may happen. That's all."

"Sooooo now you think I'm ready?"

Alex shook his head, "What I'm saying is I shouldn't be the one telling you when you're ready."

Jo gave him a confused look, "You're the only person that could make that assessment. You realize that right?"

Alex shook his head and lowered his voice, "I can't. This thing with you...it...it has layers that I didn't realize were there before today. The emotions you go through are so freaking complex it's like a Rubik's cube that the stickers have been stuck back in the wrong places."

He looked over at Jo's raised eyebrows and began running his hand over her upper arm, "So we're back to I'm crazy?"

Alex sighed and shook his head, "No. No, what I'm saying is...how you feel about your birth family...I can't understand it because I don't think you do yet. You've put these walls up for so many freaking years that I don't think you even know how you feel about it anymore because you haven't let yourself feel anything about it in a while."

He looked back over at Jo's thoughtful trance and felt himself getting upset once again for her. She grabbed his hand again and he intertwined his fingers with hers allowing her time to gather her thoughts. She then quietly spoke, her voice cracking mildly, "What if I decide wrong?"

Alex placed his lips at her temple, "You have a whole lot of people here that would help you through it. But Jo, I honestly don't think there's a _wrong_ decision here. It's just whatever or how much you're comfortable with."

"How much are you comfortable with?"

"Oh no, this is your decision. Whatever you choose to do, I'll be comfortable with. And I mean that."

"So, what do you think I should do first?" Jo asked timidly as she put her arm around his torso.

Alex tightened his arm around her, "You can see what additional records you can request and then look through it whenever you feel ready." He studied her blank stare trying to read her thoughts, "I'll be with you every step of the way. And if you decide to stop, we'll stop." When she still didn't respond, he put his lips against her hair, "We'll get through this, whatever happens."

Jo hugged him tighter, "You promise?"

Alex met her eyes stoically, "Promise."


	13. Chapter 13

Thank you everyone for your kind words of support, thoughts and prayers! My dad is doing better than expected, but still a lot going on. I have been able to write some this week so hopefully some more updates will come soon.

Just as a recap, last chapter (timeline: three days prior to this chapter) Jo and Alex decided to start a search for her biological family. Prior to that, Alex had been really hesitant and was strongly encouraging her to hold off, which Jo had agreed to do.

Also, since we haven't been told where exactly Jo is from (I am assuming she is from the northeast based on her comment last year about Boston Gardens, but who knows), I'm keeping everything pretty vague as she begins her search, but what is described here is unfortunately accurate for many states.

Again, thank you all. Your kindness means so very much to me.

* * *

Jess playfully slapped the tabletop of her highchair as Alex offered more pancake on her small fork. She shook her head and squealed as Alex's shoulders dropped, "Come on Jess, just a few bites."

Jess smiled and babbled incoherently while continuing to wave her arms. Alex began to make airplane noises playfully as he waved her fork in the air in front of her. Jess then tried to knock the fork from his hand like Godzilla swatting at a plane in the sky. Alex smiled to himself with that analogy. "I may have just come up with an unfortunate nickname for you sweet girl."

Jess laughed and sucked on her fist as Alex sat back and sighed, defeated. "Who can blame her, Alex? Your cooking blows," Cristina offered as she breezed into the room.

"Yeah? Feel free to leave it on the counter and go hungry then," Alex snapped, still watching Jess refusing to eat.

"What's with the bummer face?" Cristina looked at him over her opened box of cereal. Alex glared at her for a second before turning to his own pancakes. "Aaaaaaah yes. The post-surgery dry spell. What is it, six weeks now?" She then gave a low whistle, "That sucks for you. And even worse for those of us that have to be around a celibate you"

Alex scrunched his face in annoyance, and bit off in a mocking tone, "Hey, how's the apartment search going?"

Cristina sat heavily in the chair across the table from Alex, "I'm thinking of moving in with David."

Alex rolled his eyes, "I didn't ask for details."

Cristina gave a serious look, "I know. That's why I'm telling you." Alex stood to rinse his plate and place it in the dishwasher. He then wet a cloth to wipe Jess's face and hands. Cristina smiled at his attempts to ignore her, "Where's your good half this morning?"

Alex had collapsed back in his chair to try once again feeding Jess, "It's her first day back to work. She pulled an overnight."

"Lucky her," Cristina mumbled.

"Yes, lucky me. Three traumas, a cool exploratory surgery, aaaaand I diagnosed a treatable early-stage osteosarcoma in a twelve year old," Jo boasted with a smile on her face as she breezed in, kissed Jess and then moved to fix some pancakes for herself.

Alex looked at her with raised eyebrows, "The doctor said you could return only if you'd agree to take it easy!"

Jo shrugged her shoulders as she sat down at the table beside him and reached for the syrup, "I did."

Cristina cut her eyes over at the younger woman, "I like you better all the time Wilson."

"Don't freakin' encourage her," Alex said gruffly.

Jo hummed in contentment as she took her first bite of pancake, "Oh this is so good!"

"Tell that to your daughter, who's refusing to eat," Alex spat.

Jo's eyes widened in surprise, "Wow, you sure woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Cristina smirked, "I think you're the only one that can help him with that hairball." Alex rolled his eyes at Cristina's smirk as Jo gave a confused look. Cristina stood, taking her cup of coffee, "See you losers later."

Jo took another bite of pancake, "What was that about? Are you two having problems?"

Alex turned once again to Jess, "No more than usual." At Jo's pointed look he elaborated, "She is just saying I'm grumpy because we're not having sex."

Jo began coughing, strangling on her milk. Alex laughed as he patted her back, "You alright?"

Jo looked at him through watered eyes, "How does she know? Oh God, am I _that _loud?"

Alex gave a genuine smile, "Well..."

Jo laughed and playfully pushed his shoulder, "You're not helping jerk!"

Alex waved her off, "Look, she knows you wouldn't be able to do anything after your surgery. Don't read too much into it. She's just being Yang and busting my balls."

Jo smiled saucily at him, "We'll don't let her bust them too bad. I have big plans for you today."

Alex turned back to Jess and asked over his shoulder, "What's today?"

Jo's eyes widened, "Um hello?"

Alex looked back at her with raised eyebrows, "You just came off your first shift back! A twelve hour shift I might add. You need to take it easy."

"I feel fine."

"You don't need to push it."

"Since when do you turn me down?"

Alex sighed in frustration, "I'm trying to look out for you."

Jo narrowed her eyes, "You promised to rock my world today." Alex began to counter, but Jo cut him off, "Don't argue, you did."

Alex rolled his eyes, "You need to rest. Besides I have that golf tournament with the partners today."

Jo raised her eyebrows and smiled, "You're turning me down to watch some rich, middle-aged, sweaty men hit balls into sand traps all morning?"

Alex smirked at her, "Well when you put it that way..."

Jo rested her head on her right hand as she rubbed his thigh under the table with the other, "I am putting it that way."

"Come on Jo, you know I have to do this today to play politics. I need donors for the African fund; don't make me feel guilty for that."

Jo rolled her eyes, "Fine."

Alex smirked at her frustration as he stood, "Look, I'll take Godzilla to daycare so you can rest and when I get back we'll see how you're feeling."

Jo raised an eyebrow at him, "Godzilla? You get upset whenever I call her stink pot and you're now calling her _Godzilla_?"

Alex shrugged, "I like Godzilla better." He leaned down and kissed her cheek, "Get some rest okay? I'll be back in a few hours."

Jo grabbed the front of his shirt as he started to rise up and pulled him back in for a deep kiss. She pulled back breathless and smiled at him, "Just so you can remember what's waiting on you."

* * *

"Mer, I can't tell you how much I owe you," Alex gushed a he turned into the driveway.

"You owe me double. You never paid me back for that little trip you took last month."

Alex rolled his eyes, "I've kinda been busy, ya know? Besides Shepherd is in DC, what else were you gonna do tonight?"

"Well, I was halfway planning to ask you and Jo to babysit so I could go hang out at Joe's for once."

Alex smiled, knowing she was lying, "You snooze, you lose. Better be faster next time."

"You and Jo just enjoy your night. Don't worry about Jess."

Alex stepped up to the front door and lowered his voice just in case Jo happened to be sleeping on the couch, "Thanks Mer, I appreciate this."

"Yeah, yeah," she responded with a smile in her voice before ending the call.

Alex quietly entered the house and followed the sound of Jo's voice into the kitchen. He smiled at the sight of her in one of his sweatshirts with her hair in a messy ponytail. She was so beautiful. He leaned against the doorframe watching her pace seemingly listening intently to someone on the phone. When she glanced his way he offered a smile, "Hey."

She smiled, seeming a little relieved somehow, causing him to give her a confused look. She waved him off and smiled, "Hi. How was the tournament?"

He shrugged his shoulders, "We did good. Raised a good amount for the new clinic and had someone offer the use of their private plane."

"That's awesome, Alex!" Jo gave him a wide smile that soon disappeared as she turned back to the call, "Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm still here." Jo's eyebrows furrowed as her body tensed once more, "I'm sorry I don't understand, when I called the local office they told me to send my request to you." Alex picked up on her distress and crossed the room to wrap his arms around her waist from behind. She sighed as she brought her right hand up to place on his arm, silently telling him to stay put, "Yes, I'll hold."

"Who is that?" Alex asked curiously.

"The state office of child protective services. They can't find the request for records I sent in last month."

Alex stiffened, "Last month? I thought..."

Jo sighed in frustration, "Not now Alex. It's not like getting the records meant I was going to do something with them or even look at them for that matter. I knew my request might take some time."

Alex nodded and softened his voice while placing a kiss on her shoulder, "I know. What are they doing?"

Jo leaned back fully against him, "Checking with another worker in the records department." She then straightened again, "Yes I'm here." She looked at the ceiling in thought, "I left the system in 2003 as a runaway. I turned eighteen in 2005." Alex tried to listen to the person on the other end, but couldn't make out what was being said. Jo let out a small gasp, "I'm sorry, _what_?" Alex rubbed her upper arms comfortingly as he strained to hear the voice on the other end, "They are just gone? Why wouldn't you tell me that when I called the first time?"

Alex felt sick at the sound of defeat and hurt in her voice, "What are they saying?"

Jo waved him off, "Who else can I call about this?" Her eyes narrowed, "So you're the end of the line?" Alex felt his blood pressure increase at the hopelessness in her voice as tears filled her eyes, "Well you know what jackoff? It wouldn't hurt you to gain a little bit of sympathy if you're gonna be the one talking to people about this."

Alex moved to stand in her line of vision, "What is he saying?"

Jo frowned at what was being said as tears began to streak down her face, "You can just go to hell! Do have any idea..."

Alex had enough and grabbed the phone from her. He listened silently as the man on the other end continued, "...not a violation in federal policy. You should have started your search sooner, you had seven years."

Alex thundered, "What did you just say?"

"Oh, I'm sorry sir; this is a conversation I need to have with..."

"Me," Alex finished for him. "First you can tell me what exactly you are talking about and then explain to me exactly what you said to make my girlfriend cry."

"I didn't mean to be insensitive sir; I'm just trying to explain current policy regarding records."

"Which is?" Alex ground out.

The man on the other line sighed audibly, "Respectfully sir, this is something I need to speak to her about."

Alex looked to Jo, who had slumped into a chair at the kitchen table with her chin cradled in her hands. She was staring off in a zombie-like trance seemingly not listening to him anymore. He focused back on the phone call, "Well she's in a catatonic state right now so I guess you're stuck with me."

The man's voice became instantly sharper, "Sir, did you not understand? I..."

"Oh I get it. You're too freakin' sorry to have some dignity towards a woman who was tossed around, abused, neglected, and then lost in your system. Isn't it your job to help her get the records she needs to piece together her past. Is that too much to freakin' ask?"

The man's tone softened, "I was just trying to explain to her that her records have been destroyed. State law mandates that we keep records for seven years after a foster child leaves the system. Some local offices keep them longer, but there are no state records still remaining for foster alumni who discharged prior to the year 2006."

Alex looked over to Jo and felt a mixture of pain for her and anger towards the system. He turned his attention back to the phone, "A policy made by fools that have never put themselves in our shoes."

The man sighed, "I am sorry sir, I don't make the policy, I just handle the requests for records."

Alex stood quietly processing what he had been told as he watched a single tear trail down Jo's cheek unnoticed by her, "What recourse do we have?"

"Well if she knows of any private agencies she was placed through, they may still have their own records there. Juvenile Court is supposed to destroy their records, but that may or may not have happened. She could also try any schools she remembers attending, that may fill in some gaps depending on what she was trying to achieve."

Alex sat down slowly next to Jo and met her anguished eyes. He held her hand and rubbed his thumb over her knuckles, "Is there any way you can send us a list of those agencies you are talking about?"

"I can, but just know a lot of the names on the list weren't in existence when she went through the system and some agencies she probably was placed at may have shut down."

Alex bit his lip, "Anything you could send would be helpful."

"I'll mail it to the address on the records request."

Alex ended the call and put the phone down in front of Jo, "He's going to send information on private agencies that may still have some records."

Jo nodded and sniffled, "Where's Jess?"

Alex wrapped his free hand around to rub her back, "Mer's got her."

Jo nodded softly, "He was such an ass."

Alex gave a small nod in agreement, "What can I do?"

"You're doing it. Thanks for intervening," Jo said with a slight smile.

Alex smiled softly at her and wiped some of her tears with his thumbs, "That's part of my job, to verbally intimidate anyone that upsets you."

Jo laughed, "I wish you didn't have to."

"Me too." Alex stared at her for a few seconds, happy she was calming down, "What do you need? Are you hungry?"

Jo gave a silent nod as she stared at his lips, "Yeah something like that." She then placed her hands on his cheeks and slowly initiated a soft kiss.

Alex felt himself get upset again at the taste of salt on her lips from her fallen tears. He was still stuck on the unexpected dead end they had run into and still felt sick at the thought of the heartbreak Jo was experiencing. When she tried to deepen the kiss, he pulled away slightly and met her swollen eyes as he pushed her hair off her face, "Jo?"

She shook her head slightly as she rubbed his shoulders before leaning in for another kiss, "Please? I need this."

He again pulled back carefully, "Jo, this isn't right. We should talk about all of this."

She placed her hands on the back of his head to keep him from backing away further, "Please? Please Alex, just take me upstairs." She gave him her best pleading eyes before slowly leaning up for another soft kiss. She murmured against his lips, "Please baby, I need you."


	14. Chapter 14

**Author's Notes:** Thank you all as always for your kind words and encouragement. I always value your support and welcome your thoughts! Some people had asked if I would write a sex scene for this story. If I do, it won't be included within this story, but if something comes to mind I will do an independent one shot. No promises though!

Life keeps getting in the way of being able to write as I would like, but I hope to post again next week.

* * *

Never in his whole life had Alex ever felt so low. So dirty. He had taken advantage of more women than he'd care to remember, but he didn't think he would ever allow himself absolution for what he had done this afternoon to the only woman who had ever truly mattered.

He looked at Jo passed out on his chest, her beautiful long locks a messy tangle that splayed over her face and across his chest. Even in her sleep she gripped him tightly, a sad reminder to Alex of the torment going on underneath the surface. He hated himself for not stopping her earlier. For not stopping himself. She had needed him for emotional support and all he had given her was sex.

She began to stir slightly and he knew his feelings of shame would only multiply when he looked into her beautiful eyes. He wanted to escape, to melt away and avoid her. She let out a small sniffle and clutched him tighter, "Alex?"

Alex looked at her and knew she was still asleep. He then hated himself for thinking of taking the easy way out and leaving her alone. He drew light designs on the smooth skin of her back with his fingertips and kissed her hair, "Shhhh, I'm here. I'm not leaving."

"'ove you," she mumbled as she ran her hand over his chest.

Alex felt as if he might choke on the lump in his throat. He hugged her and ran his hand along her side, "I love you. So much."

She smiled in her sleep as she turned her face into his chest and sighed. His thoughts drifted back to the phone call earlier. He needed a game plan. He was determined now to find Jo's family to give her some answers and he felt as if nothing could stop him. He stared at the ceiling and considered where to start. He was deep in thought when movements from Jo brought him back to the present. He looked back towards her and caught her gaze, "Hey."

She gave a fleeting grin and set her chin on top of her hand that was resting on his chest, "Hey yourself. What were you thinking about so deeply?"

He gave a grin to try to put her at ease and shrugged his shoulders, "You."

She giggled and arched her brow playfully, "Oh really? Do tell."

Alex's eyes darkened, "How incredible you are." He kissed her left cheek, "How smart." He then kissed her right cheek, "How strong." He placed a light kiss on her nose, "How sexy."

Jo twitched her nose and smiled, "Oh is that right?" He nodded and ran his hand along her back. She then hummed and murmured between kisses to his breastbone, "That's sweet. How about you tell the truth this time?"

Alex's eyes widened in protest, "That wasn't a lie!"

Jo smiled as she again rested her chin on her hand, "I didn't say what you said was a lie, I just know that's not what you were thinking about at the moment."

Alex nodded, but didn't answer. He began running his fingers up and down her spine, "How are you feeling?"

She averted her eyes and lay her cheek on his chest, "I'm fine."

Alex rolled his eyes, "Now who's lying."

Jo was silent for a bit before responding, "I'm not sure what I'm feeling."

Alex nodded and let the silence engulf them. They stayed quiet for several minutes with the only sound coming from the sheets rustling as he continued to trace her spine comfortingly with his fingertips. He gathered his courage before venturing, "Jo, I'm sorry about earlier. I should have stayed downstairs and talked this out with you. I..."

Jo sat up quickly and tilted her head to the side in disbelief, "What the hell?"

He sat up as well to look her in the eye, "I took the horny coward's way out and I'm sorry. That's over now though. No more of that. I want to hear all of your thoughts no matter what they are. I..."

Jo's eyebrows had disappeared into her hairline, "Who are you?"

Alex's mouth hung open in shock and confusion, "I'm trying to be supportive damn it! I get that I've been an ass about this and I'm trying to make it right, I.." Jo interrupted him by grabbing his head and pulling him into a passionate kiss. He felt his body respond on instinct before he pulled her back by her upper arms, "Jo, I'm trying to be serious here!"

Jo pulled back but kept her hands resting on his shoulders, "I know you are and I appreciate it, I really do, but don't feel guilty for earlier. You just did what I wanted."

Alex averted his eyes, "I know, but I shouldn't have. I should have been the rational one. The one thinking clearly. That's on me. I should have just sat downstairs, made you some dinner, and listened to you."

Jo reached for his hand and placed it on her knee. She stared down at their joined hands and began tracing his veins. When she looked up, her eyes held pools of tears, "Don't you get it? You did exactly what I needed, Alex. More than anything I needed to feel loved and wanted today. And that's what you did, just like you always do." She glanced away briefly and took a cleansing breath, "That phone call was like salt in an open wound because now not only did no one want me as a child, but it's like no one even cares that I ever existed."

Alex's heart broke into a hundred pieces. He looked down at their hands and gave hers a squeeze, "Oh Jo..."

Jo reached up and placed a finger at his lips before grabbing his chin and forcing his face up, "That's why I needed you. More than ever. I...I needed to feel like I meant something to someone. That I am loved. And whenever we're together...When we...You make me feel like the center of the universe. Like nothing else matters but you and I. It's as if I can't breathe without you and you can't breathe without me as corny as that sounds."

Alex shook his head slowly, "No, no it's not corny."

"It is a little corny," he gave a slight smile that she returned for a split second. She then bit her lip as she gathered her thoughts, "It's just...we've always been better at showing how we feel than saying the words and I needed comfort right then. And I didn't really feel like talking either, but I really just needed you. Does that make any sense?"

Alex nodded and pushed some of her hair off her forehead, "It makes all the sense in the world. I just felt like an ass that took advantage when you were in a bad place."

Jo laughed slightly, "Like you could ever take advantage of me." Alex stared at her in disbelief before she kissed his cheek softly and lay back on the bed, "What? You couldn't."

Alex lay on his side facing her and propped his head on his left arm, "I sure could treat you better."

Jo gripped his wrist that was lying on her midsection. She bit her lip before meeting his eyes, "You treat me better than anyone else has ever dreamed of." She reached up with her right hand to play with his hair, "I love how you love me. You don't need to change...I wouldn't want you to."

"I wish I could take all this pain away," Alex offered somberly.

Jo smiled sadly at him, "I kinda wish you could too. But you are. A little bit every day."

They lay in silence for a bit just caressing each other before Alex asked softly, "What's your plan from here?"

Jo sighed and briefly closed her eyes, "I have no idea."

He reached up to cup her cheek, "You don't have to know what to do right now."

Jo bit her lips as tears filled her eyes once more, "I kinda do. I never realized I was on a ticking clock."

"We'll be out east next week for your interview at Brown, maybe we can do a few visits to the private agencies then."

Jo gave him a small smile through her tears, "Do you really think if we just show up they are just going to hand me my file and wish me luck?"

"We can try...I can be very persuasive," Alex said with a shrug.

Jo rolled onto her side and placed her hand on his hip, "Thank you."

Alex furrowed his brow, "For what?"

"For being exactly what I need." Jo pecked his lips quickly, "Just for being you."


	15. Chapter 15

**Author's Notes:** Thank you all as always for being so incredibly wonderful! I'm going to try so hard to post again tomorrow for you all since there's been such a delay.

* * *

Alex pulled up to the small ranch style home on a quiet street in an older neighborhood. He looked over at Jo, who had a look of contentment mixed with slight anxiety. She met his look and stated, "This feels kinda weird. We've never stayed with her before."

Alex glanced at the porch to see Ms. Schmidt exiting the home to greet them, "Look, she's been blowing up my phone to see if I could convince you. She wants you here. I think it's a good thing."

He started to exit the rental car when Jo grabbed his arm, "I haven't told her anything that's been going on. I didn't even tell her about the surgery."

Alex raised his eyebrows in surprise, "You didn't?"

"I didn't want to freak her out, but she's going to know something's up. She has a sixth sense about these things."

Alex shrugged at her, "Well better get the bandaid ripping started then." He quickly went to the trunk to retrieve their bags as Jo got Jess out of the car seat and grabbed the diaper bag along with her garment bag. She stood uneasily by the car causing Alex to quirk his brow at her, "You going in or not?"

Jo looked at him in surprise, "Huh?"

Alex rolled his eyes and then gave her a comforting smile, "Come on."

He walked up to the porch and sat the luggage down to give Ms. Schmidt a hug, "Thank you for having us."

"Always a pleasure to see you all." She then whispered for only him to hear, "Thank you for getting her to come."

She pulled back, but kept her hands on his shoulders as she held his gaze, "Now I assume you are used to people overlooking you for your beautiful daughter by now."

Alex gave a wide grin and a small laugh as he picked up the bags once more, "Oh yes ma'am."

"I've made up the second bedroom on the left for you all," she tossed over her shoulder. He listened as Ms. Schmidt commented disapprovingly about the bags under Jo's eyes and turned back to see the older woman playing peek-a-boo with Jess as Jo mouthed 'help me.'

He gave a teasing smile and shook his head before quickly retreating to the room Ms. Schmidt had indicated. He had just flopped onto the bed when Jo came rushing into the room closing the door dramatically behind her. He propped himself up on his elbows and raised an eyebrow, "You sacrificed Jess to the wolves and left her alone to handle herself?"

Jo wagged a finger at him playfully, "Don't think I don't know what's going on here, mister."

Alex gave an innocent look and shrugged his shoulders, "What?"

"I saw that little exchange you two had; I can sense a conspiracy in the air. So spill, what's going on?"

Alex feigned innocent and raised his eyebrows, "I don't know what you are talking about. She just thanked me for getting you here."

Jo tapped her foot, "Aaaaand? There's something else."

Alex rolled his eyes at her intuition, "I may have inadvertently told her about your surgery."

"Alex!"

Alex sat up fully on the edge of the bed, "What? I thought you would have said something to her. So when she called and asked how you were doing I assumed she knew. I didn't even realize you hadn't told her until a little while ago in the car."

Jo paced in front of him, "Why did she call you anyway? Has she done that before?"

Alex gave a perplexed look, "Yeah, I've told you that. She calls sometimes when she either doesn't hear back from you right away or she feels like something is going on with you. I assume it was the latter of the two this time."

Jo quit pacing and faced him, "Maybe a combo of the two."

Alex looked up at her lovingly, "You were avoiding her?"

Jo gave a helpless shrug, "She can always tell when something's bothering me."

Alex placed his hands on her hips and gently guided her down to sit in his lap with his arms circling her waist. She rested her hands on his shoulders and averted her eyes from him. He thought for a minute before speaking, "You don't have to tell her anything. You can blame being distant on the surgery if you wanted to."

Jo twisted slightly towards him and began playing with the hair at the back of his neck, "I sense a 'but' in there somewhere."

Alex nodded slightly, "But she may be able to help a little with your search."

Jo looked at him questioningly, "How so?"

"She may have connections of people that worked for the system or do now. She may remember what local agencies were open in the 90s."

Jo slowly nodded, "I'll play it by ear."

Alex kissed her cheek, "Okay. Wanna hang out here and rest up while I rescue Jess?"

Jo quickly kissed his lips as she stood, "Yeah just let me freshen up a bit and I'll be right out."

Alex walked back to the living room and smiled at Jess laughing at Ms. Schmidt, who was sitting in the floor playing with the infant. He leaned against the doorway not wanting to disturb their bonding time. However when Jess saw him she squealed, "Da!"

Ms. Schmidt looked up at him in surprise, "Well hello daddy, I didn't hear you come back in. How long has she been calling out for you?"

Alex smiled and sat in the floor opposite from them as Jess crawled to him, "Just about a week. She doesn't have 'daddy' mastered quite as well as she does 'no' just yet."

Ms. Schmidt laughed as Jess began repeating 'no' over and over, "But no 'mama' yet huh?"

Alex frowned, "Not yet, but she does grunt an M sound at Jo sometimes. I don't think it will be much longer."

Ms. Schmidt nodded in understanding and gave a hopeful smile, "Maybe she'll get that down while here." She began playing peek-a-boo at Jess once more before directing at Alex, "She figured out I know about the surgery didn't she?"

Alex scratched the back of his head, "Yeah. I honestly thought you knew."

Ms. Schmidt nodded, "But there's more to it isn't there?" She looked at Alex and back peddled, "Don't say anything; I don't want you to break her trust. I never intended for you to the first time, that's why I never said anything to her. But I know when something's up. She has acted the same way when something is wrong since she was fifteen."

Alex smiled slightly, "I wish I could have known her at fifteen."

Ms. Schmidt looked up with a surprised look that quickly changed to one if appreciation, "So do I."

Alex gave a half smile as he teased Jess with one of her favorite toys, "Are you sure we're not intruding? We can definitely stay at..."

"You shut your mouth. I'm so glad you are here. And I can't wait to spend the day with this sweet beautiful baby tomorrow. What time is the interview?"

"Ten." Alex looked up to see Jo shyly standing in the doorway. He gave her a reassuring smile as Jess grunted happily.

Ms. Schmidt clapped her hands cheerfully, "Oh good, I'll be able to cook you a proper breakfast before you go."

Jo shook her head in protest, "You don't have..."

Ms. Schmidt waved her off, "I want to. Plus you need protein for your big day." Jo walked over towards Alex and sat beside him to play with Jess. Ms. Schmidt watched them for a bit before venturing, "So how have you all been? I want to hear all about your Seattle adventures."

Alex watched as Jo looked up to meet her former mentor's eyes, "Not too many adventures for me since my surgery. Alex has been busy nursing me back to health and planning his next surgical outreach trip to Africa." She looked at him with a look pride that made his heart skip a beat.

"Now dear, I'm not a mind reader and Alex here didn't give details so what surgery did you have exactly?"

Alex put his arm around Jo as she explained the kidney stones and ovarian cyst and detailed her recovery. As he heard her voice get stronger, he turned back to playing with Jess. He gave a reassuring smile as Jo finished, "I'm doing great now. Went back to work this week."

"At full throttle," Alex offered with slight reproach.

Jo smiled saucily at him, "At full throttle."

"Have you ever had kidney stones or ovarian cysts before?" Ms. Schmidt asked as Jess crawled towards her.

Jo gave a blank stare, "No."

Alex reached over and patted her knee, "And hopefully never again."

Jo gave a small smile, "That's right."

Ms. Schmidt nodded her head in agreement as she made faces at Jess, "So what do you two have planned for your big day in the city after the interview?"

Alex lightly squeezed Jo's hand, deferring to her. Jo took a steadying breath before looking up to Ms. Schmidt, "I'm going to start a search for my family."

The normally unflappable former teacher's eyes widened as she gasped, "I'm...I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting that answer, dear. Where will you be starting?"

Jo gave a humorless laugh, "I have no idea."

Alex interjected quietly, "We had talked about going to the child services office in the town Jo was found and see who we can talk to. And maybe try some different agencies that may have managed foster homes or facilities Jo was placed in." He trailed off uncomfortably and gazed downward.

Ms. Schmidt nodded, "I think that's a good start." She then turned back to Jess and spoke in a high-pitched voice, "Don't you think so, Jessalyn? Yes, it's a good start. Yes it is."

The baby laughed and blew some bubbles in her spit, "No, no, no, no."

Jo gave a short laugh and turned to look at Alex with amusement, "Our daughter doesn't agree with us."

Ms. Schmidt picked up Jess to stand her on her thighs and deadpanned, "Better get used to that." She then stood up, taking Jess with her, "I was planning to make spaghetti, will she eat that?"

Jo gave a grateful smile, "Yes it's one of her favorites right now." She then started to stand, "I'll help you."

"Oh no, I remember your over-salted and undercooked casseroles Ms. Wilson," she said with a laugh. "You rest from your trip and I'll show this sweetheart how to properly manage a kitchen." She made a face at a smiling Jess as they left the room.

A silence hung between them briefly before Alex raised his eyebrows and cut his eyes towards Jo, "How did we lose control that freaking fast?"

Jo laughed and leaned back against the couch, "Did we really ever have control to begin with?"

"Good point," Alex then leaned back on the couch as well and stared at the ceiling. "How are you feeling?"

Jo took a deep breath and let it out slowly before turning her head to face him, "I'm good. It felt good to tell someone about all this, ya know?" When Alex nodded, she turned back to stare straight ahead, "I'm just thankful she didn't ask too many questions."

Alex nodded silently, "She can read you so well. She's my idol."

Jo looked back at him in surprise, "What?"

Alex gave a half grin, "She knows when to push and when to back off, how to calm you down and put you at ease. I'm taking notes. She should have been my phone-a-friend a few weeks back when I was camped out on the couch."

Jo giggled, "Am I really _that_ bad?"

Alex shrugged his shoulders and gave an exaggerated, "Weeeellll."

Jo laughed and punched his shoulder, "You better watch it, I know for a fact this couch is not comfortable at all."


	16. Chapter 16

**Author's Notes:** So I had meant to put a note before the previous chapter on how I view the Jo &amp; Alex/Ms. Schmidt relationship and I completely forgot. In my mind maybe Alex &amp; Jo have visited back east once or twice in the past four years without staying with her and she came out to Seattle at least once when Jess was born. In my mind Jo and Ms. Schmidt Skype often with Jess and Alex sitting in a lot, especially Jess. Sorry, I had really meant to explain that last time.

I'm glad so many of you liked the dynamic between them, especially Alex &amp; Ms. Schmidt. I love the idea of them having a strong relationship and her being a surrogate grandmother to Jess since the poor baby really doesn't have any grandparents.

Sorry I didn't get this chapter out like I had planned. The stomach flu had other plans and I couldn't get to the library :)

* * *

Alex awoke slightly disoriented. He blinked several times taking in his surroundings before remembering they were at Ms. Schmidt's home. He snuggled into Jo's back, trying to return to sleep before he heard Jess whimper from the older crib she was lying in behind them.

He felt Jo move to pull the sheet off her body, but he quickly stopped her, "I'll get her. You need to rest."

She yawned and sat up, "I'm fine."

Alex rolled his eyes and stood up to get to Jess first. He mumbled reassurances to the child and kissed her cheek as he walked back around to Jo. "No use in both of us getting up, now go back to sleep."

Jo rolled her eyes and huffed as she laid back down, "Hard-headed man."

Alex looked at Jess, who had already put her head on his shoulder. He held onto her small hand as he knelt beside the bed next to Jo, "What's that Jessie? You want mommy to sleep well before her big interview today? I think that sounds reasonable."

He gave Jo a pointed look as she rolled her eyes and readjusted her pillows, "Fine, but I take tomorrow night."

Alex grinned as he stood and kissed her forehead quickly before exiting the room. He crept in the dark trying not to wake Ms. Schmidt, but found it difficult to find his way through the mostly unfamiliar house. He made it to the kitchen and prepared a bottle for Jess while speaking softly to her. It didn't take long after a bottle and a lullaby for Jess to go back to sleep. Alex laid her on the couch next to him to not disturb Jo in case the child woke again. He sat in the dark researching child placement agencies where Jo could have been placed and mapping out their locations.

At six o'clock Jess woke again. He quietly prepared her breakfast and sat at the kitchen table with Jessalyn in his lap feeding her quietly. Alex was trying to stifle a large yawn when Ms. Schmidt entered, "I thought she was sleeping through that night? You look exhausted."

Alex jumped, startled by her presence before relaxing quickly. He offered the older woman a smile, "She usually does. I think the travel has messed up her schedule."

Ms. Schmidt smiled understandingly and reached to take the small girl, "That makes sense. Guess we'll have a sleepy day."

Alex grinned at Jess sitting comfortably in the older woman's arms, "She shouldn't be too tired, she went back to sleep quickly after a bottle."

Ms. Schmidt cut her eyes at him, "But you didn't?"

Alex met her eyes and gave a hesitant look, "I was working on some things."

"Meaning you were trying to research some things for Jo," she said knowingly.

"Kinda." Alex looked away and tried to change the subject. "I see your herbs are doing well."

Ms. Schmidt narrowed her eyes at him, "Alexander, that's a bonsai tree. Don't try to change the subject."

Alex grinned in amusement, but felt chastised, "Yes ma'am."

Ms. Schmidt smiled to put him at ease, "Just don't push too hard. Let her tell you what she wants or doesn't want. Otherwise it'll blow up in your face. Or she will." She then stood and patted his shoulder as she passed him to get to the refrigerator, "Speaking of, shouldn't Jo be up by now?"

"Oh crap!" Alex bolted from his seat and hurried down the hall. He entered the bedroom to find Jo face down on the bed. He carefully slid onto the bed behind her, smiling slightly at her moan of protest. He wrapped his arm around her torso and kissed her neck, "Time to wake up sleeping beauty."

Jo moaned and backed into him slightly, "I don't wanna."

Alex smiled, "Too bad. I don't think Brown will wait."

Jo mumbled something he couldn't decipher and turned into her pillow. Alex rolled his eyes at her behavior and then looked down to see her oversized shirt had ridden up in the back. He readjusted and began placing soft kisses on the smooth skin of her lower back inciting a low moan from her, "You really think _that_ is going to make me want to get _out_ of the bed?"

Alex smiled against her skin and inched higher on her back, "I'm just trying to get you awake."

Jo hummed happily as he felt a shiver run through her, "That's not the problem."

Alex placed one more kiss on her back before returning to her neck, asking huskily, "Then what's the problem?"

Jo slowly rolled onto her back and looked up at him, "It's a huge waste of time. They're never going to offer me a fellowship. I'm not their type."

Alex furrowed his brows, "Meaning?"

Jo huffed and anxiously swept some of her hair out of her eyes, "Meaning they aren't gonna want me so I'd rather not waste my time."

Alex gave a half grin, "So we flew all the way across the country for you to chicken out at the last minute?"

Jo eyes lowered and she fingered the bedspread, "I don't know. Maybe. I really don't feel like being rejected by a top-tiered program like that."

Alex gazed at her troubled face and offered quietly, "Anyone that wouldn't want you doesn't deserve you." Immediately a shadow crossed Jo's face and she looked away from him and towards the window, "Shit Jo, I'm sorry. I didn't mean..."

Jo quickly turned back to him and reached up to pull him into an intense kiss. When they broke she stared deeply into his eyes, "Stop apologizing. Especially when you say perfect things." She gave him a lightening smile and searched his eyes, "But I still don't feel like going."

Alex lay on his side facing her and ran his hand along her midsection, "Did you feel this way when trying to get into college or med school?"

Jo creased her brow, "No. Why?"

Alex hiked his eyebrows at her, "You got into freaking Harvard and Princeton, you weren't nervous about that?"

Jo gave a thoughtful look, "No, not really."

Alex rubbed her abdomen, "Why not?"

"Well I knew I had the goods. My GPA was high, I had an outstanding SAT score, my extracurriculars were there..." She smiled brightly at Alex's fake exaggerated yawn and smacked him on the shoulder, "You asked!"

Alex gazed into her eyes, "You have the goods now, Jo. Your case studies are excellent, you've got references people would kill for, you've rocked chief resident without breaking a sweat. You spoke at TED for crying out loud. Anywhere that wouldn't want you...well it's their loss."

"We'd have to move..."

"I already told you, this is your time. I'll easily find a job, Jo."

"Jessalyn likes the daycare and all her friends are in Seattle."

"She's not even one yet, she'll make new friends and adapt just fine."

Jo became quiet and played with his fingers, "I could just be a stay at home mom. You know? Just stay at home and raise Jess and make babies."

Alex sighed and gave her a pointed look, "Where is that coming from?"

Jo adverted her eyes, "I've just been thinking about it lately."

"Not that I'm opposed to the making babies part, but that's not you Jo."

"What, are you saying you wouldn't love me if I stayed home and acted like a resident of Stepford?"

"I'd be freaked out by it, but I would still love you. You wouldn't love yourself though."

"What does that mean?"

"You're a surgeon Jo. It's in your blood. You hated those six weeks you just spent at home and couldn't wait to get back in the OR. Now try again, what's really going on?"

"I like where we are; I don't want things to change."

"We'll be okay, Jo."

Jo began playing with his hand once more before asking quietly, "What if I fail?"

Alex looked at her and was taken back to one of their first encounters. _Look I'm not supposed to be this person, I don't fail._ He smiled at the memory, "Look, if you don't get it...so what? There are plenty of programs out there that will be fighting over you." Alex watched her face still twisted in anguish as she avoided eye contact with him. He softened his voice and again rubbed her midsection, "Jo?" He waited until she met his gaze, "Why didn't you feel this way when getting into Harvard or Princeton?"

Jo looked down and sighed, "Things were different."

Alex began to get frustrated, "Meaning...?"

"There was no one to disappoint back then." She looked up at his face briefly before looking down once again, "How am I going to look at you and tell you I didn't get the job? Or Jess? How will I do that?"

Alex's eyes widened in surprise, "That's what's holding you back? Dude..."

"Don't 'dude' me, I'm serious here," she huffed with a face he knew meant she was on the verge of getting really angry.

He decided to try a different approach and quickly stood, "We won't care. If you fail and decide to be a lazy bum whose ass molds to the couch cushions and you smell like stale urine for a while, we won't care. You can be the worst interviewee in the world and end up unemployed and we will still love you." He reached down and grabbed her arms to pull her to her feet, "What we won't accept is a chicken that won't go to her freaking interview because she's scared to fail."

"Alex..." Jo let out in weak protest as he pulled her to the bathroom and started the shower.

Alex looked back at her, "What? Do I need to undress you and brush your hair too? Here, let me get some toothpaste on your toothbrush so I can brush your teeth for you."

Jo huffed and pushed him out of the bathroom, shutting the door forcefully behind him, "Ass!"

Alex smirked at the door before walking back into the kitchen. Ms. Schmidt gave a questioning look that he tried wholeheartedly to ignore. She pushed a plate at him, "You may need to warm it up."

Alex gave a grateful smile, "Thanks."

"She okay?"

Alex nodded, "She will be. She's just scared and anxious about the interview."

Ms. Schmidt frowned, "I've never known Jo to be scared. What is she scared of?"

Alex returned to the table with his warmed eggs and bacon, "Of failing."

"Well that's new."

"Tell me about it. No offense, but sometimes I think having Jess made her hormones go haywire. Sometimes she's a completely different person than she was before."

Ms. Schmidt nodded, "Motherhood changes people. The mothers that don't change are the ones you should be worried about."

Alex nodded in agreement as he continued to eat his breakfast. He glanced up to smile at Jess who was sitting in Ms. Schmidt's lap watching him with her bright hazel eyes, "I guess you're right about that. I've been told being a father has made me a sap."

Ms. Schmidt smiled, "Besides, for Jo, this is the first time she's had a family depending on her. I suppose that makes her anxiety more evident."

Alex felt like he may throw up his breakfast, "What was that?"

"Well it's just that, before when something big would go on, there wasn't anyone at home for her to tell about her failures. Or her successes for that matter. Nobody to really share the ups and downs with. I imagine the past few years have been a big adjustment for her and this is really the first true test of that."

Alex felt numb and weakly protested, "She didn't act this way about chief resident..."

Ms. Schmidt nodded softly, "But, playing devil's advocate, she would still have a job regardless of if she was named chief or not. Plus chief is something that's picked by the staff surgeons, right? She wouldn't have to put herself out there and actually apply. And last, she hadn't had Jess yet. So that was a shift." She looked at Alex to judge his understanding, but he sat motionless, "Not that when it was just the two of you she didn't worry about failing you, it's just different now. The stakes are even higher for her."

Alex rubbed his face and mumbled, "Freaking hives."

Ms. Schmidt cocked her head, "What was that?"

Alex took a deep breath, "Right after we moved in together she convinced herself she was about to get fired. She broke out in hives all over her body and nothing would help them. I didn't really think that much about it at the time..."

Ms. Schmidt reached over to squeeze his forearm, "One may not have anything to do with the other, Alex. I'm just thinking out loud, don't mind me."

Alex looked down at his plate, "No. No, I'm pretty sure you're onto something." He sighed deeply and stared at his hands.

"How are the two of you doing?"

Alex clutched his fists and gave a humorless laugh, "I honestly don't know. Some days I think we're fine and others...others I wonder if we'll ever get past all of this."

"You won't."

Alex looked up sharply, "I'm sorry?"

Ms. Schmidt gave a calming smile, "Not what I meant, Alex. What I'm saying is there is no 'We'll get over this.' All of these issues will be with Jo for the rest of her life. Now she may learn to adapt in ways that will make us all the more proud of her or she may spiral and regress some. Time will tell."

Alex met the older woman's eyes with a hopeful expression, "She's done well getting through stuff strong before. That's gotta be a good sign, right?"

Ms. Schmidt slowly nodded, "Could be. Or it could just mean that she's been pushing issues aside and not really dealing with them."

Alex rubbed his face, "Meaning this is going to be an uphill climb."

"What are you guys talking about?" Jo asked as she breezed in to give Jess several quick kisses before getting a cup of coffee.

Alex gave a fearful look to the older woman who smiled easily and gave him a wink, "The Red Sox, dear. What else is there to talk about while in New England in the spring?"

Alex smiled appreciatively as Jo placed one hand on his shoulder while snatching a piece of bacon off his plate with the other, "Please don't get him started, that's what I'll hear about all the way to the interview."

Alex rolled his eyes, "I'm not that bad! And don't you have better things to do than stealing my bacon? Like, I don't know, fixing your hair?"

Jo smiled saucily at him while stealing another piece, avoiding his playful attempts to slap her wrist away, "I need a good breakfast if I'm going to kick ass later." She quickly kissed his cheek, "I'll be ready in about twenty minutes tops."

He watched her skip down the hall and turned back to the retired teacher, "I was really hoping you were wrong about the pushing things aside."

Ms. Schmidt gave a reassuring smile, "Well if anyone can help her through this it's you. Now dear, were you planning on going out today like that?"

Alex looked down at his sleep clothes and jumped up, "Oh crap!" He bent to kiss a laughing Jess before racing for the bathroom.


	17. Chapter 17

**Author's Notes:** So this story is diving more into Jo's past while in foster care than I originally intended. Probably because I am so incredibly anxious for them to go there on _Grey's_. Anyway I digress. The point is this story is going to touch on abuse issues starting now. Sorry for the late warning, I rewrote a lot of the next few chapters over the past week because the way I had it seemed too unrealistic to me.

And just as a side note, I know not all foster kids are mistreated in while in government care. I spent seven years working with kids in the child welfare system and there are phenomenal, glorious people that foster and/or adopt and I love them dearly. But the sad reality is there are many that mistreat the kids in their care and chances are if Jo spent 16 years in foster care she was most likely a victim of abuse and/or neglect at some point. If any of you guys have any questions about that or things in the story, feel free to ask.

A lot of you have commented about how Alex is the perfect boyfriend. If you like that side of him, be sure to enjoy it, because it won't last forever. He is still Alex after all...

* * *

Alex and Jo had barely spoken during the ride to Providence. He would glance her way occasionally and inwardly cringe at her troubled look. As they neared their destination, he tentatively asked, "Where's your mind at?"

Jo glanced at him startled, "What do you mean?"

Alex gave a helpless shrug, "You seem anxious."

Jo giggled slightly and turned towards him, "I'm about to go into my first fellowship interview Alex! Am I not supposed to be anxious?"

Alex snorted in self-depreciation, "Yeah okay."

He pulled up to the building she had indicated from her notes and he put the car in park to turn more fully toward her. She looked up at the large building and placed her hand on the car handle taking a deep breath before turning back to him, "We'll be okay, right? No matter what?"

He gave a lazy half smile before leaning in to give her a short, sweet kiss, "Of course we will." He then placed a hand on her shoulder, giving her a gentle push, "Now go kick some ass."

She gave him a hesitant smile before gathering her things and walking to the entrance without a backwards glance. Alex sighed and shifted the car back into drive, finding a parking space nearby under some shade trees. He rolled down the windows to allow the air to circulate and leaned the seat back to get comfortable. He called Lebakes to check on a few things and checked in with Ms. Schmidt. He then settled back into the seat to rest some while Jo was inside.

He jerked awake at a sudden noise and pressure on his legs and chest. He felt what he knew to be Jo's lips meet his as her hands ran up his chest. It took him a second to get over his initial shock and fear before he could respond to her and pull her closer. After a bit she pulled back smiling at him, "Take it from someone who's done a lot of sleeping in cars, you _always_ roll up the windows and lock the doors."

"Haha. You could have given me a heart attack you know," he bit off sarcastically as he rubbed his hands over the curve of her hip. He gave her an expectant look, "Well?"

She gave a puzzled look, "Well what?"

He rolled his eyes and sighed, "Are we looking for places to live around here or what?"

Jo shook her head and looked down at Alex's hand now holding hers, "No."

Alex felt his heart lodge in his throat, "I'm sure you did better than you think, Jo. They'll call with a great offer. I'm sure of it."

Jo let out a small laugh before grabbing his face and kissing him again, "Thank you."

Alex frowned in confusion as he ran his hands up her sides, "For what?"

"For getting me out of bed this morning and making me believe I could do this."

"You _can_ do this, Jo. They'll call."

"I know they will." She gave a wide smile, "I kicked so much ass in there Alex. I was...I was on fire. They were eating out of the palm of my hand." She gave his hand a quick squeeze, "I wish you could have been in there."

Alex cupped her cheek and pulled her down to him to kiss her again. When they parted slightly he pushed her hair back and held her gaze, "I don't have to be with you to know you're a rock star. I knew you'd be fine. But why aren't you interested anymore?"

Jo sat up a little straighter, "It just doesn't seem like a good fit for me and what I want to do. They emphasized their sports medicine program and asked so many questions about my work with Torres' cartilage program and how it could be modified for specific use with athletes..."

"So not as much trauma and research based as you had hoped?" he asked to clarify.

Jo gave a brilliant smile, "Exactly. I want the more meaty work."

"So says the bone doctor," he said with a hint of sarcasm.

Jo lightly hit his chest with the back of her hand, "So did you get a good nap?"

Alex nodded, "I was sleeping really good until you pounced me."

Jo gave an amused smile as she started to climb off him, "Most men would like waking up to that."

Alex chuckled as he sat up, "Well this man likes staying out of jail. And you on top of me like that could lead to all sorts of things that are illegal to do in public."

Jo laughed slightly before adding sarcastically, "I love when you talk dirty to me."

Alex rolled his eyes, "Ha, Ha. So what are we doing now?"

Jo settled herself in the passenger side as Alex readjusted the driver's seat. "Right now I'm starving for some good food." Alex smiled knowingly as he cranked the car. He then heard her say hesitantly, "Then maybe we swing by children's services on the way back?"

Alex paused briefly to formulate a response. He didn't want to say anything wrong or react in a way that would cause her anxiety, "Of course we can, Jo." He gave her a reassuring smile and squeezed her hand.

Jo narrowed her eyes at him, "What's up with you?"

Alex's eyebrows stretched to his hairline, "What?"

Jo smiled brightly, "You look more freaked out than I feel."

Alex gave a half grinned smirk, "Alright maybe I'm a little freaked. You?"

Jo snorted, "Are you kidding? I'm terrified."

"We could just go back to Ms. Schmidt's. We can always fly back out here later if you need more time before starting this."

Jo shook her head shakily, "No. No if I go back home now I may never get up the guts to do this later."

Alex gave a hesitant nod as he cranked the car, "Okay. Let's get outta here then."

They found a casual Italian eatery and had a lazy lunch. Alex reveled in Jo's detailed retelling of her interview and couldn't shake the feeling of pride he had in her. She seemed more at peace until it became clear it was getting time to go. She kept trying to prolong the conversation, talking about everything from Jess' upcoming eleven month checkup to Kepner's new haircut. Alex indulged her to a point but eventually almost pulled her from the restaurant when he couldn't take it anymore.

Alex followed Jo's directions to a smaller town off the freeway as she intently studied the map on her phone. As he parked the car, he let out a deep breath he didn't realize he had been holding and ventured, "This isn't what I expected."

"Huh?" Jo asked distractedly.

Alex turned to really look at her and was surprised by the fear on her face. She appeared as if she could hyperventilate any moment. He reached out and rubbed her thigh lightly, "Hey."

Jo turned to him with a confused look, "What?"

Alex gave a half smile, "We can just drive away, Jo."

She gave a tight lipped smile, "Stop tempting me with that. Eventually I'll cave." She took a deep breath and gripped his hand, "I just need a minute."

Alex gave a silent nod, "Wanna go for a walk?"

Jo gave him a grateful smile, "A walk sounds perfect."

They exited the car with Jo immediately reaching for his hand. They walked in silence around the block with Jo watching her feet and Alex watching her. When they had circled back to the building, Jo looked up and sighed. She then squeezed his hand, "Let's do this."

She entered the building with a fierce determination that Alex wouldn't have expected a few seconds earlier. She approached the counter and waited for the receptionist to acknowledge her, but quickly grew impatient, "Excuse me?"

The receptionist looked up with tired eyes, "Yes?" Jo faltered, unable to form any words. Alex put a hand on her back comfortingly. "Look if you're here for paternity testing, the form is..."

"That's not why I'm here," Jo snapped with narrowed eyes.

The receptionist sighed and crossed her arms, "Well honey, since I'm apparently not a mind reader you'll have to tell me what you need."

Alex knew Jo was about to blow and stepped in, giving her hand a slight squeeze under the counter, "She is a former foster child and is trying to gather some information."

The receptionist's face softened, "Okay. You'll have to fill out a records request..."

"I already did that!" Jo exclaimed with a raised voice.

Alex squeezed her hand again and interjected, "She was told her records have been destroyed. We were hoping maybe there was something else we could do or someone we could talk to."

The receptionist gave a sympathetic smile, "I'm sorry, you look younger than you must be. Give me a second and let me see what I can do."

Alex guided Jo to some chairs and sat down. He gave her a smile, "See that wasn't so bad."

Jo gave him a side glare, "Seriously Alex? This is a nightmare."

She hid her face in her hands and hunched over with her elbows propped on her knees. Alex rubbed soothing circles on her back, unable to form a response. "Ma'am?" They both glanced up at the receptionist's voice, "I'm sorry, I didn't get your name. One of the supervisors is going to come down and speak to you. It'll just be a few minutes."

Jo gave a shell shocked look before burying her face in her hands again. "Thank you," Alex offered as he began to rub Jo's back once more.

In what could have been an hour or five minutes, Alex couldn't be sure, a door to the left of them opened and a middle-aged woman came through and stopped at the reception desk. She then turned to study them briefly before walking their way. Alex pushed Jo's shoulder lightly, "Jo?"

She looked up at him questioningly and he widened his eyes towards the woman, who had stopped a few feet away. Jo looked up as the woman held out her hand, "Hello, I'm Melanie Washington, foster care supervisor. And you are?"

Jo stood shakily, but when she spoke her voice showed nothing but confidence, "Josephine Wilson. Thank you for meeting with us."

The woman gave a shocked look before smiling broadly, "Jo Jo?"

Alex couldn't help the grin that crept onto his face as he whispered out the corner of his mouth, "Jo Jo?"

Jo ignored him, "Yes, I had forgotten about that unfortunate nickname. I go by just Jo now."

Ms. Washington smiled, "Well call me Mel. And who do you have with you?"

"This is my husband, Alexander Karev."

As the supervisor shook his hand, he tried to not show his massive shock at Jo's introduction, "Alex."

The supervisor smiled at him, "Well let's go to my office for some privacy shall we?" She led them down a dull hallway devoid of any decoration. Jo grabbed Alex's hand, but didn't meet his eyes. He glanced up as Mel spoke, "I didn't expect it to be you, Jo, when they called and told me someone was up at the front with questions. To be honest, it's so good to see that you are well. I remember when you were declared a runaway. I was so worried what had become of you."

Jo gave a small smile, "Thank you."

Alex spoke up as they entered her small office, also barren, "So you knew Jo back then?"

Mel gathered a stack of file folders out of a chair and gestured for them to sit down. She then sat at her desk and smiled softly, "Not really, no." She turned to Jo, "I knew you more as a baby. I was licensing foster homes at the time and would play with you a good bit during my inspection visits."

Jo gave a shocked look followed by a tentative smile, "You knew me as a baby? What was I like?"

Mel smiled gently, "I'm not sure how many details I can give you. It was such a long time ago."

Jo interjected, "Anything would be great."

The older woman nodded, "I'll remember more about the homes you were in since that was more of my focus. Since that would have been at the very beginning of my career it'll be a little clearer."

Jo nodded, "Do you remember when I was first found?"

Mel shook her head, "You were already placed when I came to work for the department. I don't know much about that."

Jo nodded disappointedly, "Okay."

Alex interjected, "Would you know why Jo was never adopted?"

Jo gave him a surprised look before turning to Mel hesitantly. "Actually I do. The first family you were placed with, the Wilsons, were foster parents strictly to adopt. It was believed you would be a perfect match for them, but then you weren't cleared for adoption immediately."

"Why?" Jo squeaked out.

"At the time it wasn't known where you had come from. Kidnapping had to be ruled out and there were not federal comprehensive databases for missing children like there are today. Since you were a little older than a newborn, it was thought that maybe you had been taken from your parents. Since there had been some high profile cases previously of kidnapped children being adopted out, the judge was hesitant to declare you available for adoption and legally terminate your parents' rights."

Jo gave a slight shudder, "So what happened with the Wilsons? Is that where my last name comes from?"

Alex reached for Jo's hand as the supervisor nodded, "It is. The plan was for them to adopt you so their name was given to you for the birth certificate."

Jo nodded slightly, "And my first name?"

Mel gave a sympathetic look, "I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from."

Jo gave a small nod, "It's okay, you've answered a really big question for me. I always assumed Wilson was my family name. So what happened that I was moved from them?"

"Well you were a colicky baby and cried all the time. That along with the back and forth about whether you could be cleared for adoption caused them to decide to have you be removed from their home. I remember it well because it was the first really big crisis I dealt with in licensing the homes."

Jo nodded slightly, "Do you know how old I was?"

The supervisor nodded, "You were right around ten months."

Jo gasped as her hand flew to her mouth and tears sprang into her eyes. She looked desperately at Alex briefly before turning back to Mel, "What? How does someone do that? Why? I..."

She glanced back at Alex who squeezed her hand. Jo again bent over to put her face in her hands. At the supervisor's puzzled look, Alex offered, "We have a daughter that is ten months old."

The supervisor's face fell, "Oh Jo. I'm sorry. Would you rather continue this another day? I know this is hard and a lot to take in."

Jo shook her head, "No. We go back home soon."

At Mel's second confused glance, Alex explained, "We live in Seattle."

The supervisor gave an appreciative smile, "What do you do there?"

Jo wiped a single tear from her face, "I'm an orthopedic surgeon."

Mel's eyebrows disappeared into her hairline, "Wow, you've definitely done well for yourself. You should be very proud."

She then offered a box of tissues to Jo, who accepted with a grateful smile, "Thank you." She quickly dabbed her eyes, "So where did I go after that?"

Mel hesitated briefly, "Well you had a few short term placements that didn't work out for one reason or another: they couldn't handle the crying, you didn't mesh well with the kids already placed in the home...I know two homes were closed while you were there, one for physical abuse and another because of the foster parent's health."

Alex felt sick, "Jo was abused in that home?"

Mel met Jo's expectant eyes, "The complaint was on an older child, but when it was investigated you were found to have a significant mark on your arm right above your elbow in the back that was consistent with extreme discipline."

Jo glanced at Alex sharply, "Is there something still there?"

Alex closed his eyes and nodded slightly, hoping his nausea would pass, "I never thought much of it. It's not very noticeable."

Jo turned back to Mel, "How old was I then?"

"Around three."

Jo nodded, "And what was I hit with?"

Mel took a steadying breath, "Jo, do you really want to know these things? If you've forgotten, maybe that's for the best."

Jo's eyes flashed dangerously, "I think I deserve to know. What was I hit with?"

Mel nodded slightly, "A belt buckle."

Jo gave a shuddering breath and offered sharply, "Thank you."

Mel grinned slightly, "Now there's the Jo Jo I remember. Unfortunately that's about the time I transferred to adult protective service so I probably won't be able to give you much more from my memory."

Jo nodded, "Well thank you for your time. You've cleared up a lot for me."

The supervisor grinned, "I'm glad I could help somewhat. Do you have any other people to meet?"

Jo gave a rueful laugh, "No. I don't know of anything else to do."

Mel nodded, "You could try the fire stations. Maybe someone there knows who was around when you were found that may remember something. There's bound to be a police report of the day you were discovered that could give some clues. Do you remember the names of any of your old social workers or foster parents?"

Jo shook her head sadly, "All I have is this." She then pulled out a small book from her bag and handed it to the supervisor.

Mel gently took the book and opened it looking in awe. "This looks like Janie's work. I'd almost swear to it. I can email her if you'd like and see if she was your worker at some point."

Jo sat up straighter, "Yes. That'd be great."

Mel flipped through the pages studiously before stopping and grinning at Jo. She walked around the corner of the desk to stand by Jo and pointed at a picture, "This is at Ms. Robinson's home. I would recognize that rocking chair in the background anywhere. She was a truly wonderful woman. Sweetest person I ever knew. She was hoping to adopt you." Alex looked over at the picture of a smiling Jo holding a doll, her hair in curly pigtails.

Jo looked at the picture anew with tears in her eyes, "What happened? Why didn't she adopt me?"

Mel's eyes showed a deep pain, "She was found to have pancreatic cancer and died about four months later. She did love you though along with all the other kids. She was a saint." She handed the book back to Jo and rounded her desk to a bookshelf taking a framed picture, "Here she is winning the state foster parent of the year award."

She handed the frame to Jo, who studied it intently before whispering, "I wish I could remember her." She looked up, handing the frame back, "It's not like I had many people love me." Alex reached for her hand again and rubbed his thumb across her knuckles.

Mel leaned up against the desk searching Jo's eyes, "It looks like you turned it around for yourself. You've overcome so much Jo Jo, and I for one am very proud of you."

Alex watched as Jo bit her bottom lip, fighting with her emotions, before looking at the supervisor gratefully, "Thank you. For all of this."

Mel gave a slight smile, "I understand the need to understand your past, but don't let that overshadow your present and your future, okay?" At Jo's small nod she added, "Are you seeing a therapist?"

Jo looked up angrily, "Why would I see...?"

The supervisor cut her off, "This is a huge undertaking Jo, not to mention an incredibly emotional journey. Just think about it okay?"

Jo hesitated briefly before quietly offering, "Okay."

Mel nodded and stood up fully, "I'm sorry, I wish I could stay and talk some more, but I have a meeting to get to." Jo nodded weakly as Mel handed her a card, "Here's my card. Call or email with any questions you have and I'll try my best to answer them. Follow up with me and I'll let you know if I was able to get in touch with Janie." She paused and shook Alex's hand again before turning to Jo and holding her by the shoulders, "I'm so glad you are well, Jo. I just...I'm really glad you're okay."

Jo looked down uncomfortable under the older woman's scrutiny, "Thank you."

Mel picked up some notebooks on her desk and followed them out the door, "Please keep in touch. I want to help you as much as I can."

Jo reached for Alex's hand and held on to his bicep with the other hand as she turned back to the supervisor, "I can't thank you enough, Mel."


	18. Chapter 18

**Author's Notes:** Thank you all for your beautiful support on the last chapter. I was really nervous about it, but you guys were awesome as always :)

Happy Grey's weeks peeps!

* * *

Alex stood with Jo as they watched the supervisor walk down the corridor. When she disappeared around the corner he turned to Jo, who was shaking her head jerkily. He reached over with his right hand to cup her cheek, "Jo?" She didn't respond, just continued to grip his arm and shake before bolting down the hall, "Jo!"

Alex chased her several feet before she pushed through a door on the left. Alex followed instinctively and came to a sudden stop upon seeing two women washing their hands at sinks along the wall. He gave a sarcastic tight lipped smile and shuffled his feet, "Hey. How's it goin'?" At the sound of Jo emptying her stomach he turned and opened the stall she was in, meeting her eyes with a look of sympathy, "Oh Jo."

She rolled her eyes and pushed past him to get to the sink, "Shut up." She leaned against the counter with her hands on the rim, looking down at the sink.

Alex hesitantly stood next to her and watched her warily before grabbing a paper towel and wetting it for her, "Here."

Jo met his eyes briefly and gave a fleeting smile, "Thanks." She wiped her eyes and then her face before rinsing out her mouth.

Alex wet another paper towel and held it on the back of her neck, "Why don't we get out of here?"

Jo cut her eyes at him, "Well you definitely should. You're freaking out the women."

Alex shrugged his shoulders defensively, "Well what was I supposed to do?"

Jo gave a small smile and grabbed his hand, "Thank you. Now come on before you get arrested perv."

They walked silently to the car with Jo pausing after Alex opened the car door for her. He gave a questioning look, "What's wrong?"

She turned back to him and handed him her phone, "I want to see it."

Alex sighed and rolled his eyes, "Now?"

Jo glared at him, "Yes now. I can't believe you've never mentioned it in the past four years. Four years Alex!"

Alex shrugged his shoulders, "It's not really a conversation piece. What am I supposed to say 'awesome sex last night, by the way that scar on your elbow is really beautiful'?"

Jo gave an exasperated, "Yes!"

Alex rolled his eyes, "Stop acting crazy. It's not like you've ever said anything about mine."

"That's different."

Alex crossed his arms over his chest and sniped sarcastically, "Oh really? I can't wait to hear this."

Jo pushed his chest angrily to put some distance between them, "You know what happened to you, Alex. You know who left those marks. I have a blank slate, it could have given me something to go on to understand things in my past better."

Alex paced away from her before turning back determined, "You think you're the first person to be hit in a foster home? Seriously? This mark right here?" He gestured wildly to his forearm, "That's where I was scratched by Ms. Malina when she grabbed me out of the floor for not finishing my chores. And this?" He then pointed to a scar at his hairline, "Is where I hit the corner of a porch after a foster dad backhanded me for smarting off to him."

Jo looked at him surprised and asked in a soft voice, "Why didn't you ever say anything?"

Alex rubbed his face, "Because I let go of that albatross years ago and I hate talking about it."

Jo furrowed her eyebrows, "We've talked a lot about these things over the years."

Alex sighed and looked away, "There are some things I'd rather not speak of ever again and just try to forget. It's so much better leaving it in the past where it belongs."

Jo nodded and held out the phone. At Alex's questioning look she provided in a quiet voice, "I want to get to that point too. Will you help me?"

Alex tilted his head and gave her a patronizing look, "That's what I'm trying to do."

Jo nodded and gave a small smile, "I know. Now take the freaking picture."

Alex rolled his eyes and turned her away from him. He hesitated briefly then placed his finger on the mark before adding softly, "It's right here." His fingers traced it gently, "It really only shows up when you've been in the sun and have a slight tan. You may not even be able to see it in a picture."

Jo nodded in acknowledgement, "Okay." Alex then took the picture and hesitantly handed the phone back to Jo. She covered her mouth with her hand as tears filled her eyes, "Oh God. I can't believe that's been there the whole time."

Alex quietly offered, "It's really not that noticeable. We had been together for a little while before I found it for the first time."

Jo just nodded silently, still staring at the image on her phone, "Can we get out of here?"

Alex's eyes widened in surprise, "Of course." He watched as Jo slowly lowered herself into the car before he rounded the car to the driver's side. As he cranked the car he turned to Jo, "Where to?"

Jo sighed while staring straight ahead, "Mrs. Schmidt's. I need to see Jessalyn." Alex nodded silently and maneuvered the car back towards the freeway. Suddenly Jo looked up at him, "We are not using corporal punishment on our kids."

Alex gave her a side glance with his eyebrows raised, "I kinda thought that was a given."

Jo narrowed her eyes and raised her voice, "Don't do that. Don't make jokes. I'm serious here."

"So am I," Alex barked back.

They sat in tense silence for a bit before Jo pointed out, "You pop Jess' hand a lot."

Alex rolled his eyes, "Oh come on, Jo. That's different."

"How? You're hitting her!"

Alex sighed, "There's a reason we say it's just a 'slap on the wrist' when a punishment is light. And I only do it when she's about to do something dangerous."

Jo crossed her arms, "You do it more than that, I just don't think you notice."

Alex rubbed his face suddenly feeling exhausted, "Fine, I'll watch that."

"Don't be so dismissive."

"I'm not, I...what do you want me to freaking say?" he asked with a raised voice.

Jo sighed and looked out the window, "Nevermind."

Both were silent for a while before Jo spoke quietly, "I'm sorry Alex. I know I'm acting crazy. I just...ugh...my brain feels like it's going in a thousand different directions. I know you weren't hiding anything from me and I definitely know you are an exceptional father. I just...I don't know what to do with all of this."

Alex nodded, "I know."

They drove for a while in silence before Jo spoke hesitantly, "Do you think I need therapy?"

Alex drummed his thumbs on the steering wheel trying to think of an appropriate response, "I think we could both use some help with this."

Jo rolled her eyes, "Nice deflection."

Alex felt his agitation take hold again, "Okay, fine. Yes, I think you need therapy."

Jo crossed her arms, "Thank you."

Alex sighed, "I don't think it would hurt either of us to go."

Jo nodded slightly as she stared out the window, "Do you mean together or separate?"

"I don't know, Jo. I think maybe you need time by yourself. There's so much to all of this."

"Do you think I should stop?"

Alex begged silently for strength, "That's up to you."

Jo sighed, "I need to know what you think Alex. I can't let this get between us or break us."

Alex parked the car outside of Ms. Schmidt's house and turned to her, "Jo, this is up to you. It's your past, your history. I can't tell you what to do. I think if we want to make sure this doesn't cause us problems we just have to talk to each other about this stuff. Stop holding back with me."

"You think I'm holding back?" Jo said in surprise.

"I think you are worrying too much about what everyone else thinks or is gonna think. What do _you_ think? What is it that _you_ need?"

Jo was silent for a bit before whispering softly, "I need you to not give up on me."

Alex rolled his eyes and sighed, "Jo..."

Jo turned to him fully, emotion cracking her voice, "I've got to do this Alex. I need to finish this and see it through because the not knowing is eating me up inside. And I know I've been nuts and weepy and I've been all over the place and not myself. But I need you to help me because no one else gets this. And I need help. You're the only one I can talk to about it and I can't lose you. I just can't."

"Oh Jo." Alex tried to keep his emotions in check. He cupped her cheeks with his hands and met her eyes stoically, "I'm not going anywhere."


	19. Chapter 19

**Author's Notes:** Sorry I disappeared guys! This is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever written. Ever.

A lot of you are frustrated with Jo and I can't tell you how excited I am about that cause I wanted everyone reading to see her actions through Alex's eyes. Soooo hang on you may get more frustrated with her before this is over.

And I may have overworked some of you with the comment that Alex won't be perfect. He's not going to be old Alex (at least I don't think so). Trying to write characters in the future is hard yo! He's matured so much over the past few years it's hard to think what he will be like a few more years into the future. So like I said, this has been a challenge.

Thank all you wonderful souls for staying with me! I have so much appreciation and love for you all!

* * *

Alex forcefully set the last spike into the loose gutter. He was desperate to let off some steam in a constructive way. He was so angry about what he and Jo had learned about her childhood yesterday. How anyone could harm any child, but especially Jo, was beyond him. It felt good to be able to work out some of his frustrations.

At the same time, he couldn't deny the force he was using didn't have anything to do with his anger towards Jo and their current situation. He didn't understand her. One minute she was begging him not to leave and saying how much she needed him and the next she was putting distance between them.

Throughout the rest of the night she had been rigid and distant but made a strong attempt to put on a brave face and enjoy their time with Ms. Schmidt. When he tried to comfort her during multiple nightmares throughout the night, she had pushed him away begging him not to touch her and to leave her alone. He wasn't sure what to do anymore.

He wiped his brow before climbing down the ladder and admiring his work. "It looks much better, Alex."

He twisted to see Ms. Schmidt standing behind him looking at the gutters while holding out a glass of lemonade to him. He took it gratefully, "I hope I didn't overstep. Jo told me you had mentioned them leaking a few weeks back."

"Oh nonsense, but you really didn't have to worry yourself with that."

Alex took a long drink from the glass, "It's no problem and the least I could do after you put up with us the past few days. Besides what else was I gonna do while you all were gone to your girls' brunch?" He watched her nod with a bit of a smile, "Speaking of, where are Jo and JK?"

"They went for a quick walk. Jo got an email back from that worker you spoke to yesterday."

Alex gave a worried nod, "Oh okay."

"She seemed to take it in stride," Ms. Schmidt offered. She paused briefly, "She told me about what you both learned yesterday."

Alex nodded, "I'm glad she did."

"I was too. She said the worker had offered to meet her later this afternoon. She sounded like she was leaning towards going, but she wanted to take a walk to think it through. Of course the story I got was that Jessalyn needed some fresh air."

Alex snorted in slight amusement, "Well I'm going to go clean up so she can't use that as a reason to stay here."

Ms. Schmidt nodded while taking the empty glass back from him, "You read my mind."

Alex quickly showered and shaved, allowing the hot water to work out some more of his tension. He walked back into the bedroom to find Jo sitting on the edge of the bed waiting for him, "The gutters look really good. Thank you for doing that."

Alex smiled fractionally at her, "Well you know how I like to fix things."

Jo gave him a longing look, "Yeah. Yeah I do."

Alex ignored the double meaning of her words and looked over at Jess lying in the crib, "I guess the girl talk wiped her out."

Jo snickered and looked at the sleeping child, "Yeah, I don't think she's quite got the stamina to do two hours of female bonding."

Alex grinned as he pulled his shirt on over his head, "Well, I'll be sure to enjoy that while it lasts."

Jo smiled softly at him as he continued to dress, "I heard back from Mel."

Alex looked at her noncommittally, "Yeah?"

"Yeah." She nervously rubbed her thighs, "This Janie chick said she could meet me this afternoon."

Alex gave an expectant look. "And?"

Jo looked up at him, "What do you think?"

Alex sighed as he sat down beside her to put on his shoes, "I think the same thing I thought yesterday: that you need to make that decision. Stop asking what I think, Jo."

Jo huffed, "Fine. Let me try again. I want to see her today, but I'm worried how much more information I can take in. Yesterday was an overload and I just don't know how much more I can process right now."

Alex smiled slightly and responded patronizingly, "There, see how much better that was?"

Jo rolled her eyes and stood to leave, "Alex..."

Alex grabbed her hand and pulled her back to face him, "Look you can meet with her and just tell her upfront what info you are looking for and if it becomes too much just stop her."

Jo sat down again beside him and held onto his hand, "That's not rude? To ask for her time and then tell her to shut up?"

Alex gave a half grin, "Well I wouldn't tell her to shut up..."

Jo smiled and draped her legs across his right thigh, "Yes you would." She then placed her hands on his neck and captured his lips in a deep kiss before pulling back to look at him intently, "I love you."

Alex pulled back to study her face, "What's wrong?"

Jo gave a surprised look, "Not the response I was expecting. Since when can I not just tell you I love you when I feel like it?"

Alex studied her lips and shook his head slightly, "Sorry."

Jo began playing this his hair at the base of his head, "I just...You going through all of this with me...for me...it just makes me love you even more."

He met her eyes and searched them briefly before kissing her again. He pulled back slightly, resting his forehead on hers, "The more I learn about what you've overcome, the more I love you."

Jo nodded and looked down, "But the more I love you and the more I need you the more I'm scared you'll leave." She glanced up and held his gaze, giving an earnest look, "It worries me all the time."

Alex felt his breath catch in his throat. He reached up with both of his hands to cup her face, "Never. I couldn't..."

Jo bit her lip and nodded, "I'm trying so hard to believe that."

Alex quickly kissed her gently, "Just stop trying to push me away alright?"

Jo smirked at him, "I'm trying. I'm so sorry, Alex. About all of it."

Alex nodded, "So when are we meeting this woman?"

Jo looked at her watch and quickly stood, "We need to be leaving."

He stood with her and looked over at Jess, "Are we taking Godzilla with us?"

Jo laughed unguardedly, "If you wanna fight that battle with Ms. Schmidt you can go right ahead. I'll be waiting in the car."

Alex smiled happily behind her, glad that her attitude had changed back to normal somewhat. They talked freely in the car about different things, but both seemed to steadfastly avoid any topic that held any kind of weight. Alex reveled in Jo's laugh and smile, feeling his own smile grow larger as they approached their destination. They easily found the diner the social worker had indicated and parked the car a half block away. Alex turned off the engine and sat back looking at Jo out of the corner of his eye.

Jo looked around curiously before glancing at her watch, "We're early."

Alex smirked, "Yeah. Feels weird right? The two of us are never early for anything." He looked around at the various shops before feeling Jo's eyes studying him. He turned back to her grumpily, "What?"

Jo gave a slight smile, "What are you feeling, Alex?"

Alex's eyes widened in surprise, "What the hell are you talking about?"

Jo smirked at him, "I just...I know this isn't easy for you. I mean...I know it's hard for you to hear these things about me..."

"I'm fine, it didn't happen to me," he interjected gruffly.

Jo smiled slightly, "Alex?" He tried to avoid looking at her, but couldn't help eventually glancing at her when the silence stretched. She took his hand, "You're a terrible liar."

"What makes you worried about me?" He asked curiously.

Jo smiled softly, "Because you're such a big teddy bear when it comes to this kind of stuff Alex. I remember that broken look you gave me when I first told you about how I grew up and you didn't even _like_ me then. I know I have the most work to do in getting through this, but I don't want you to think I'm not worried about how this is affecting you because I am."

Alex was taken aback, "Don't worry about me, Jo. Focus on you."

Jo shook her head, "That's not a solution Alex."

Alex rubbed his face, "Can you just freaking tell me what you want?"

Jo gave a puzzled look. She sat silently looking at her hands, "I don't want this to cause you anymore pain. It's my problem Alex; I don't want to drag you down into this darkness with me. I wouldn't be able to handle that. You've worked so hard on your demons and here I am dragging them all back up." She gave a big sigh as she glanced out the window before turning back to him determinedly, "I think I need to handle this on my own from here on out."

Alex looked away from her and gathered his thoughts, "Jo, I'm gonna say this and then I'm going to leave it alone. I got into a relationship with you knowing you were messed up, alright? I chose you and I chose this life. And this is what people do when they care about each other so freakin' much...they...they go through hell for each other, they lean on each other, they face bad shit with each other. I want this. Even when it's messed up and you're accusing me of hitting Jess or referring to me as your husband even though you refuse to marry me..." He paused to give her a pointed look that caused her to look away briefly, "I still want this and I still want you. Don't worry about dragging me into it because I'm already chest deep and that's where I want to be."

Jo sat for a minute contemplating what was said before offering softly, "Okay."

Alex gave a baffled look, "That's all you're going to say?"

Jo nodded blankly, "I don't think there's anything else to say."

They sat quietly in the car enveloped with their thoughts while watching people as they passed by. Alex heard Jo sniffle and turned back to her to see tears streaking down her face, "Jo?"

Jo shook her head and looked away trying desperately to wipe her face, "Don't. Just shut up."

Alex looked at her in surprise before tentatively touching her shoulder, "Hey. Jo? Come on, just tell me what I said wrong."

Jo laughed through her tears, "You haven't done anything. It's me."

Alex scrunched his face in confusion, "What are you talking about?"

Jo shook her head and sat back against the seat, "I am terrible. I said so many awful things yesterday. I drug you around without thinking how it was affecting you. I blamed you for things that were...God, so unfair. And then you stayed with me and try to comfort me in my guilt about it when I didn't deserve anything from you. I _don't_ deserve it."

Alex looked at her brokenly, "That's what was going on? Damn, Jo. I didn't realize, I thought..."

Jo looked at him brokenly through her tears, "You thought I was rejecting you."

Alex looked down at his hands, "I guess, yeah."

Jo bit her lip and looked away, "I just...who accuses their boyfriend of child abuse and then just a few hours later let's _him_ comfort _her_ during her insecurities about the future of the relationship. I mean who _does_ that? It seemed unfair and I didn't deserve it."

Alex looked up surprised, "You didn't accuse me of child abuse Jo. You pointed out something I didn't realize I was doing that I need to watch. And you were right. There were so many times last night I had the urge to pop her little hand for getting into things she shouldn't." He looked back out the window ashamed, "I...I'm so sorry. I promise I'll do better."

Jo shook her head, "Stop Alex. You haven't done anything wrong. I shouldn't have said anything about it yesterday. I should have talked to you calmly about it a few weeks ago when it first bothered me. I was wrong." She reached over to turn his face towards her and kissed his cheek, "You are an amazing father Alex, and by far the better parent out of the two of us. I just...hearing what happened to me at such a young age, all I could think about was Jess and making sure she doesn't experience anything resembling that."

Alex nodded and rubbed her wrists that were still resting on his face while staring at the floorboard, "I know. I worry about it too." He heard his voice crack under the weight of his words, "I'm always scared I'll fail at protecting her."

Jo leaned forward to kiss his cheek and hugged him as tightly as she could within the confines of the car. He felt her hot tears fall on his neck as he stroked her back while she did the same for him, "I know you do. But we'll be okay. Baby girl is gonna be so sheltered and loved she may never leave us."

Alex pulled back with a mock look of anxiety to break the tension, "Why would she ever leave us?"

Jo laughed and pulled him back to her for a comforting kiss. She then stared into his eyes solemnly as she rubbed the sides of his face with her thumbs, "Of all the decisions I've made in my life, picking you as the father of my children is the best thing I've ever done, Alex. The absolute best thing."


	20. Chapter 20

**Author's Notes:** I am so sorry you guys for this huge delay in posting! This story got much larger and deeper than I ever anticipated and I wanted to take the time to do it justice. But I've had a lot of personal stuff going on that also made it hard to get in the right frame of mind to write this story. Good news is I'm halfway done writing chapter 24 so (hopefully) no more large delays.

Thank you all for being so patient and kind and thoughtful. I've seen stories with other pairings or other fandoms where readers aren't as patient with writers that stop posting. Just another way that you guys show how you are the best!

**Trigger Warning:** Like I said, this has gone deeper than I expected and there is talk of child abuse and child sexual abuse in this chapter. I will do a brief synopsis of what happens in this chapter on the next post in case there is anyone out there that can't read it. Please, please, please exit if you have to. This should be the last chapter that has any mentions of specific abuse.

If you want something lighter and happier for Jolex, I'm doing prompts for FuckYeahAlexJo on Tumblr. Check it!

Again, sorry for the delay!

* * *

_"Of all the decisions I've made in my life, picking you as the father of my children is the best thing I've ever done, Alex. The absolute best thing."_

Alex pulled back surprised at Jo's declaration. He studied her face, unsure of what to say. His eyes darted to the dashboard clock, "It's time."

Jo pulled back sharply and gave a weak nod, "Yeah I guess so."

She pulled down the sun visor to fix her make up in the mirror. Alex watched her intently, "You okay?"

Jo nodded quickly and gave him a quick glance, "Yeah. Yeah, of course. Let's get the show on the road."

They walked side by side down the sidewalk. Alex reached for her hand, but she suddenly crossed her arms and tried to rub out a chill. Alex looked at her quizzically, "You sure you're okay?"

Jo turned to him quickly, "I'm as fine as I can be in this situation." With that she turned on her heels into the cafe and quickly walked towards a quirky redhead in the far corner booth who was slowly standing in greeting. Alex shoved his hands in his pockets and dutifully followed. Jo extended her hand with great poise and began introductions, "Hi, I'm Jo and this is Alex."

The redhead shook both of their hands, "Ah yes, the runaway and her husband. I'm Jane Morris. Please, sit. I got you both water to start, but feel free to order anything. It's on me."

Jo's eyes widened, "Oh that's not necessary. We..."

The older woman waved her off, "Oh I've heard all about your successful career. But please, I owe you at least this much."

An uncomfortable silence descended upon them before Alex spoke up hesitantly, "What makes you say that?"

After a brief, uncomfortable silence, Jo smiled understandingly without looking away from Janie, "You placed me with those weirdoes didn't you?"

Alex's eyes narrowed as he looked at Jo, "What? What weirdoes?"

Jo leaned back and crossed her arms, "The last home I was in was with these doomsday preppers that I swear were in some kind of weird cult. I tried to tell everyone they were crazy but no one would listen so I ran away."

Jane sipped her water before shaking her head gingerly, "No. That wasn't me. I had moved on to a different job by then. But I did train the worker you had at the time and I feel massive guilt for not doing a better job. Because I swear Josephine, you would never have fallen off the radar if I had still been your assigned worker. You wouldn't have ended up on the streets. Not on my watch."

Jo gave a hint of a smile, "Jo. And it turned out okay for me."

"A miracle of miracles," Janie added softly, but firmly. "Doesn't make what happened right."

Alex gave an appreciative nod as Jo fingered her water glass, "Was your hair really long back then?"

Janie smiled gratefully, "You're starting to remember me, eh? Yeah it was long and I was really plain with no fashion sense about me."

Jo nodded slightly and slowly looked up from studying her drink, "You always let me pick the music when we rode in your car."

"Yep, that's me. You tortured me with your Backstreet Boys addiction." She gave a quick wink and smiled brightly at Jo, "It's good to be remembered."

Jo nodded and looked down, "Yeah. Yeah, it is."

Alex gave a sympathetic look and reached for her hand under the table. Jane leaned forward on her elbows, "Jo, what exactly are you looking for?"

Jo looked up quickly, "Anything. Everything. When did I learn to walk? What were my first words? Did I have chicken pox? What was I for Halloween? Where all did I live? Did I have a favorite color? A favorite toy? A favorite cartoon?" Jo stopped and rubbed her upper arm, "And I know it's a long shot, but I would really like to find information on my biological family."

Jane nodded and smiled slightly, "I can help with some of that." She stood and threw some bills on the table, "Follow me."

Alex furrowed his brows in confusion and looked at Jo, who was standing unsteadily, the blood draining from her face, "You okay?"

She looked at him surprised, "Would you be?"

Alex smirked, "Good point."

He wrapped his arm around her waist to steady her as they walked to the door where Jane was waiting. She gave a bright smile as she walked outside and turned down the street, "Now this is something you can't tell anyone about, but I'm now the director of Trinity Family Solutions. Does that name mean anything to you?"

"It rings a bell, but I'm not sure why," Jo answered questioningly.

"It's a child placement agency. We have group homes, residential care, and foster homes. You were admitted to Trinity multiple times as a child."

Jo nodded, "I don't understand what that means for me now."

Jane stopped at a small office and pulled a set of keys out of her purse, "I have access to the records." After the door opened, she turned back to Jo and Alex, "Do you want to look through them or walk away?"

Jo's eyes widened, "Really?"

Jane nodded with a smile, "Yeah. Two conditions though. This stays between us, this really isn't orthodox and I like having a job. And two, I can't let you make copies. If there are things you want, I'll give you a records request form and have legal look it over. Any questions?"

"Ummm how much is there?" Jo asked hesitantly.

Jane gave a warm smile, "Come see."

She led them into a small conference room with folders stacked in several mounds. Jo walked slowly to the table as Alex hung back against the wall, "Which are mine?"

Jane stepped up next to Jo, "All of them." At Jo's startled look of disbelief, Jane smiled knowingly, "Child Welfare tends to kill a lot of trees. Each stack is a different admission and they are arranged in order of admission date. So that stack all the way on your left is when you were first placed through Trinity and the stack at the other end is leading up to you running away."

Jo lightly fingered one of the accordion files, "I don't know where to start."

Jane reached for the earliest stack, "Most are color coded and the information is divided into sections: admission data, education, legal, medical, daily sheets, provider reports, foster parent reports, insurance information, state reports, medication sheets, psychiatric notes, identification records..."

Alex saw Jo get increasingly overwhelmed and walked over to stand on her other side, "Where would you suggest we start?"

Jane put her hands on her hips, "Well the admission data will be very helpful and the legal sections. I wouldn't mess with the daily sheets, you'll get weighed down by the monotony. Unless you just want to get a glance of your hygiene habits back then."

Jo shook her head, "Not really."

Jane turned to Jo and pulled out a chair for her. Alex quickly sat as well and lightly rubbed Jo's thigh under the table, "Now Jo, before you start I should explain something to you. Right before I came onto your case your mother had returned to try to claim you."

Alex's head shot up in shock. He looked at Jo who seemed to have zoned out completely, "Could she do that?"

Jane leaned her hip against the table, her eyes still focused on Jo, "It happens. There are many cases of biological parents coming back and adopting their own kids years later after they get themselves together."

Jo replied in monotone, "But she wasn't successful."

Jane shook her head, "No. And I'm not sure why. But the answer may be in these files. Are you prepared for that?"

Alex wanted to curse. Of course she wasn't and he knew she would never admit to that. A silence engulfed the room. Alex squeezed her thigh softly, "Jo?"

"Yeah. Of course. I wanted to find information on them whatever that might be." She looked back at Alex, "Right?"

Alex stared into her eyes, "You want to stop and we'll stop. Remember?"

Jo nodded, "No, I don't want to stop. I can't stop. At least not now."

Alex nodded his head although he was screaming in frustration internally, "Okay."

Jane cleared her throat slightly, "Well then, I've got some work to do in my office so I will give you both some privacy. Just call out if you need anything or have any questions okay?"

Alex let out the breath he was holding when the door closed behind Janie. He looked at Jo, who was gazing unseeingly at the piles in front of her, "Where do you wanna start?"

Jo never looked up, but began to softly caress the file closest to her, "I don't know." She then straightened up quickly with a determined look, "Let's look through the legal files first. Maybe they'll at least have a family member's name."

Alex nodded and rubbed her thigh one last time, "Do you wanna each start on an end and work our way towards each other?"

Jo smiled with a hint of amusement, "I knew there was a reason I keep you around."

Alex smirked at her as he moved to the stack on the far right. After a few minutes he began to feel uneasy and glanced at her multiple times in conflict of what to do. He held onto the edge of the table and flexed his arms with his head bowed, "Hey Jo?"

He looked over at Jo, who was intently studying the forms in front of her, "Yeah?"

Alex shifted on his feet, "I...uh...I think maybe we should change stacks."

Jo glanced up at him quizzically, "Why?"

Alex looked back down, unable to look at her, "These...uh...have details you may not want me to know."

Jo looked back down at the forms in front of her, "There's nothing in here I'm going to hide from you. I've probably told you most of it anyway. Besides, anything I discover in here I'm going to be telling you about anyway. It's fine."

Alex hesitated, "I don't know Jo, this is some dark stuff. Just let me trade, all right?"

Jo giggled as she stood, "Fine, but you do realize you would be fine with me reading your records, right?" She flashed a dazzling smile and pointed at his chest playfully as she passed, "And don't argue with me on that because you know I'm right."

Alex nodded, "Yeah, but my records don't look like that."

Jo gave him a contemplative look as she took the seat he had just vacated. He stood next to her in worry as she skimmed the document, "This is from when that creep of a foster brother attacked me. We've talked about that, Alex."

Alex shook his head, "It's not so much about what happened as..."

Jo gave a wary glance before reading aloud, "'The minor child is not considered to be a reliable witness due to recent delinquent behaviors including truancy, fire-setting, and violence towards classmates. Minor child also has a history as a victim of multiple sexual assaults leading investigator to believe she is manipulating prior events to get her way. Department Social Worker conveyed that minor child has been asking to be moved from her current placement for several months and may be giving false statements in order to be removed.' Jesus." Jo slumped back in the chair and rubbed her forehead as she turned the page, "'Despite multiple documented traumas it is not conclusive evidence that minor child sustained said injuries during an attack by her foster brother and may in fact be an indication of a consensual sexual encounter especially given minor child's sexual promiscuity.'"

Alex slowly lowered himself into the chair next to Jo to face her fully. He watched heartbroken as she bit her lip with tears brightening her eyes. He reached for her hand and glanced back up, startled at her viselike grip, "What do you need?"

Jo laughed brokenly, "I could use a tissue."

Alex jumped up, almost knocking over the chair in the process. He scurried about the room before locating a tissue box and rushing back to her side, "What else?"

Jo shook her head wordlessly as she continued to tremor slightly, "I never realized they thought that way about me. I...why wouldn't they believe me?"

Alex took a breath to keep the anger out of his voice, "I don't know."

Jo shook her head jerkily, "It's not like he was some saint! He had been in trouble before. He wasn't even supposed to be living in that house because he had such a bad rap sheet."

Alex wasn't sure what to say or do. He hugged her tightly and rubbed her back softly, "Sometimes there aren't any answers, Jo. I don't think you're going to find any for this."

"I hate them. I hate them for not listening to me. I hate them for treating me like less than a human. I hate them for not giving me any options other than running away. I hate them all."

Alex rocked them slightly and felt her grip him tighter, "Shhh, it's over Jo. There's no reason to let these assholes take any more from you, alright?"

Jo quickly pulled back to look at him, her hands resting on his thighs, "You're right. You're right. Just give me a second to calm down, okay?"

Alex nodded and pushed some hair out of her face, "Okay. Look why don't I skim through these fast just to see if I see any names. Like Janie said, you can always request this stuff later. Maybe that would be better."

She looked at him skeptically, "Are you sure?"

Alex nodded, "Yeah. I'll look for names and nothing on else."

Jo gave a grateful look and asked brokenly, "What would I do without you?"

Alex shrugged, "Persevere. Like you always do."

Jo gave a conflicted look as she stood to move away. Alex watched worriedly as she studied the artwork on the walls before turning back to his task. He searched for a while, obstinately not reading any of the dozens of reports that could offer clues and insight into his very complex girlfriend. His heart rate accelerated as he found the needle in the haystack, "Jo?"

Jo looked at him hopefully from her spot in the far corner. She walked quickly towards him, "You found something?"

"Yeah. It's a court report with your mother's name."

He angled the folder so she could read it easier, "Lisa Taylor? Damn, she would have a plain Jane name. That's going to be hard to track."

Alex pointed to the second page, "But look, it has the name of the law office that was appointed to represent her. Maybe they can help if it's still around."

Alex looked on as Jo repeatedly murmured the name to herself as if trying to get used to it. She flipped the page again and squealed with excitement, "Oh my God, there's an address!"

Alex gave a sympathetic look, "I doubt she's still there, Jo."

Jo looked up at him with a bright smile and rolled her eyes, "Of course not, but it makes it so much more real. I can look it up, maybe get an idea of what she was up to...what her life was like. I mean, look, she was in Baltimore. There are so many new questions."

Alex grinned slightly, "Slow down, Nellie. Let me look through some more of this and see if I can find anything else."

Jo walked to the other side of the table, lost in her thoughts, "Alex?"

"Yeah?" He asked without looking up.

Jo hesitated, "Do you think she could still be alive?"

Alex sighed, "It's possible. Looks like she was seventeen when she had you so she'd be what? Forty-nine now?"

Jo looked on surprised, "Seventeen?"

Alex grinned, "Yeah. I'm just getting to that."

Jo looked over in anticipation, "Well read faster!"

Alex gave her an annoyed glance, "It's hard when you keep talking."

Jo gave a slight giggle, "Okay, mum's the word."

Alex glanced through the documents, his stomach tightening more with every word. "Jo...I..."

She looked at him with eager eyes, "Yes?"

He gave her a helpless frown, "I...It looks like she was a runaway."

Jo's expression fell, "From where?"

Alex tried to swallow the lump in his throat, "She was a foster kid too."

He watched as Jo frowned and furrowed her brow, "Wh- What?"

Alex looked down unable to meet her eyes, "I'm sorry, Jo."

Jo stood and rubbed her eyes, "Does it say anything about that?"

Alex shook his head, "Not much...It just briefly mentions that she doesn't have much of a support system."

Jo nodded slightly, "But doesn't say why she was in state custody?"

Alex held her gaze as he shook his head slightly, "No."

Jo looked away and grinned sarcastically with her hands on her hips, "Well that's great. That's just great. I finally get a family legacy and it's running away from the system. Perfect."

Alex started towards her but knocked off a file, its contents scattering across the floor. Both knelt to put it back in order when Alex stopped cold. There on the floor was images of a younger Jo with fresh marks all over her small body with an attached medical report detailing a sexual assault. He tried to stuff the report and pictures back in the file quickly before Jo could see, but one look into her anguished eyes framed against a pale face told him he had failed. He stood and placed the file back on the table then reached for her hand to help her off the floor, "Jo?"

Jo shakily stood with her hand gripped tightly in his, "I'm fine."

"Like hell you are," Alex exploded in frustration.

Jo's eyes darted around quickly, "I just need some air."

With that she bolted from the room and out to the street. Alex muttered curses under his breath and chased after her down the street, yelling her name frantically with each step. He cursed her running abilities and wished he hadn't slacked off his jogging over the years. He pushed his body as hard as he could and caught her three blocks away just as she was entering an intersection. He grabbed her arm and pulled back as a truck honked at them. The next thing he knew he was seeing a bright light then his back hit the hard ground. He instinctively reached for his nose to check for blood, "Son of a bitch!"

Jo had knelt down next to him, her eyes wide in horror, "Oh my God, Alex. I'm _so_ sorry. Does it feel broken?"

Alex looked up at her in disbelief, "You punched me!"

Jo put her arm around his back, "Come on sit up so you can lean forward some."

Alex shook his head, but regretted it as soon as more pain shot through him, "Shit!"

Jo entered his field of vision again, her eyes filled with worry and regret, "I'm so sorry, Alex. Do you need to go to an ER? Did you hit your head?" Alex looked up at her causing Jo to gasp, "I'll be right back."

With that she ran into the store they were sitting in front of. Within a couple of minutes she was back kneeling by his side placing something cold on his face, "What the hell?"

"It's some kind of candy bar. It will have to do, it's all they had frozen." She gave her best puppy dog eyes, "You can eat it when it starts to melt."

Alex couldn't help a small grin that tugged at his mouth. Damn her for knowing how to work him, "Well that just makes it all worth it doesn't it?"

Jo's face fell as she sat down completely beside him, "Alex, I..."

Alex readjusted the candy bar, "Shut up. You've had a long day and I should know better than anyone not to grab you like that. But what the hell, Jo? Did you not see that truck?"

Jo shook her head and hugged her knees, "No. Everything was blurry. I didn't even realize I had gone through the other intersections." She sat quietly for a second before rubbing her face on her right shoulder and looking at him squarely, "Where would I be without you?"

Alex felt uncomfortable under her scrutiny, "Right now? You'd be road kill."

Jo quickly looked away and blinked away more tears. She hugged her knees tighter and whispered, "I know."


	21. Chapter 21

**Author's Notes:** Thanks so much for the support on the last chapter! I'm glad there are others frustrated that Grey's hasn't done more to explain Jo's past and what she may have gone through.

Sorry for the length of this chapter, I just couldn't find a good stopping point :)

If you don't need the last chapter summarized, just jump to below the break...

In the last chapter, Alex and Jo met with one of her former social workers who had access to Jo's past records with a private agency. The worker haphazardly told Jo her mother had tried to regain custody of her and Alex found her mother's name and an old address in the records. They also discovered the reason Jo's sexual assault was not prosecuted is because members of her treatment and legal team did not believe her. At the end of the chapter, a file was knocked off the table, showing pictures of a victimized Jo and upon seeing them, she fled from the building. Alex chased her, and in her hyper-vigilant and retraumatized state, she startled when he grabbed her arm to keep her from running into the street in front of a truck and she reactively punched him.

* * *

In the days that followed, Alex and Jo tried to go on as normally as possible. They returned home and immersed themselves in their usual routines. Alex was frustrated that Jo had put her walls back firmly in place and hadn't mentioned anything about their trip east. He had left it alone, trying to believe that she would talk when she was ready.

They interacted as if on autopilot: each taking on responsibilities for Jess, paying bills, and doing household chores as usual without any real conversation. The only time they were affectionate at all was in the early morning when each would unconsciously reach for the other. However, once the morning sun filtered in they would break apart and go on with their routines, never mentioning it.

It was driving Alex crazy.

He stepped into the house after a long day and was instantly met with the aroma of Italian food. He briefly considered stepping back outside to make sure he had the right house. He put his bag down and glanced around the living room quickly for signs of life before wandering to the kitchen. He quickly spotted Jessalyn strapped into her highchair, her arms flailing about happily as soon as she spotted him. He lightly tickled her while kissing her cheeks, "Hey Jessie, you cooking a meal by yourself?"

"She's supervising," Alex looked over to see Jo leaning against the doorway to the laundry room smiling at him.

Alex gave a half grin, "Who cooked?"

Jo snorted and rolled her eyes as she returned to the oven to put in the bread, "Don't act so shocked."

Alex wandered up behind her to look at the food on the stovetop, "You did all this?"

Jo turned around with her eyes narrowed playfully, "Didn't I just tell you to not act shocked?" She leaned up and softly kissed his cheek as she rested her hand on his waist. He unconsciously stiffened and sucked in a breath as Jo tilted her head in amusement, "You're doing it again."

Alex's eyes widened marginally as he stuttered out, "Oh."

Jo giggled as she moved away from him, "Do you know how much Ms. Schmidt adores you?"

Alex had retreated for safer waters and sat at the table next to a gurgling Jess, "How's that?"

"I've been asking, no _begging_, this woman for her spaghetti recipe for fifteen years. I mention in passing how much you love it and _bam_! It shows up in my inbox ten minutes later."

Alex gave a low laugh, "I can't help that I'm irresistible." Jo snickered and turned back to the salad, "Wait, she even told you how to make the meatballs?"

Jo nodded as she brought the salad to the table, "Yep, and guess what? They are store bought. Found them in the freezer section."

Alex snorted, "Shut up."

Jo nodded conspiratorially, "It gets better, the sauce? From a bottle."

Alex's eyes widened playfully, "No..."

Jo laughed as she retrieved the bread from the oven, "Yes. I feel like my entire home economics knowledge is based on lies."

Alex met her eyes and laughed along, "What did she have to say about it?"

Jo shook her head, "Nothing. Just a 'tell me what Alex thinks.' I swear she likes you more than me."

Alex gave a disbelieving look, "Well that makes us even cause Jimmy definitely liked you more than me."

Jo sat at the table and started to fix her salad, "Please, Jimmy called me a nag and threw me against a wall."

Alex looked up unbelieving from cutting a meatball up for Jess, "Seriously, that's your argument? Are we really gonna go there?"

Jo looked up in surprise, "No. No, I'm sorry; I wasn't thinking about it that deep. Forget I said anything."

Alex sighed and mumbled, "I don't think I'm as good at casually forgetting painful things as you are."

Jo met his eyes in anger, "We're going there?"

Alex sighed and rubbed his face, "I don't know Jo, I don't know how long we can keep this all bottled up. I know I'm not going to make it much longer. I just think we should talk about what happened."

Jo looked down and gave a slight nod, "Fine, but not now."

Alex felt his blood pressure rise and grumbled, "Fine."

Jo slowly reached for his hand across the table as Alex glanced up in surprise, "Not in front of little miss." Jo jerked her head towards Jess who was covered in spaghetti sauce, "Let's just enjoy tonight together with the three of us and after she's asleep I swear you can yell all you want."

Alex rolled his eyes but grinned slightly, "Who said I wanted to yell?"

Jo pulled back and laughed, "Please, I can read you remember. You've been wanting to yell since we were back east."

Alex gaped at her, "I..." She glanced up to give him a knowing look with a hint of a smile, "Yeah alright."

Jo pushed aside her finished salad bowl, "Look I know you think I've been distant and I have, I just...I needed time to process and think before talking about it. Just so you know before you get all out of sorts."

Alex rolled his eyes, "Too late for that." He took another bite of spaghetti before starting again, "You should have at cued me in on that, or slipped a note on my pillow, or put out freakin' smoke signals."

Jo tilted her head, "This is you waiting to argue?" When he rolled his eyes she casually waved him off, "Besides you should know me well enough by now to know I'm going to sit on something painful for a bit before talking about it."

Alex narrowed his eyes, "So that's..."

Jo cut him off, "And before you lecture me on how unhealthy that is, let me just remind you that you do the exact same thing."

Alex stiffened in his chair, "Do not!"

Jo giggled slightly, "You so do." She then turned to Jess, "Are you done with your dinner, honey?"

Alex watched as she wiped their daughter's face and hands while talking softly at the child, "She's not tired at all is she?"

Jo gave a questioning look, "Wow, you're really ready to go at it aren't you?"

Alex sighed, "No... Yes... I don't know, Jo."

Jo picked Jess up out of the highchair and took her to the playpen. When she returned she began picking up the dishes, "Were you done?"

Alex watched her warily, "Yeah I guess. It was good." Jo smiled weakly as she headed for the sink. Alex walked slowly up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, "Thank you."

Jo looked over her shoulder at him and quirked a brow, "For what?"

"For cooking all of this. Even if it was to butter me up. I know that means you're ready to at least try to work through these things so thanks."

Jo giggled and leaned back into his embrace, "You know me too well."

Alex laughed under his breath as he placed a kiss right under her left ear, "I've picked up on a few of your tricks along the way. Here, I'll clean up. You go rest."

Jo pulled away from him and gave an appreciative smile before turning and walking out of the kitchen. Alex slowly cleaned up, using the time to think more about what he wanted to say to Jo about everything she had discovered. He wanted and needed to know what her plans were going forward: did she want more information? Did she want to try to find her biological mother now or wait awhile? Did she have any regrets about what she had learned? Other than finding out her biological mother's name and where the name Wilson had come from she really hadn't learned anything she had hoped to when she started. No medical history, developmental history, or milestone information. Alex sighed to himself and once again felt like nothing for them would ever be the same.

He was jarred from his thoughts by Jo yelling for him. He darted into the living room to see Jo squatting rigidly as Jess stood shakily in front of her. Jo looked up at him in awe, "She looked like she was about to try, go stand over there and see if she'll come to you."

Alex felt his heart thumping madly in his chest as he slowly walked in front of Jess and knelt carefully, "Come on Jess. Come here baby."

He watched as Jessalyn looked back at Jo and lost her balance, falling to her bottom. Jo immediately picked her back up and steadied her, "Go on Jess, go to Daddy."

Jessalyn rocked a little in excitement before Jo once again let her go. The small girl hesitantly took two steps before falling backwards again. Jo immediately scooped the child up in her arms, showering kisses all over the squealing girl. Alex slowly approached them and stroked the girl's hair, "I can't believe she's already walking."

Jo smiled softly, "Yeah. Seems like it was just yesterday we were talking about kids for the first time. Now look at us."

Alex nodded, "Yeah." He glanced back at their precious daughter still being rocked in Jo's arms, "She looks so worn out."

Jo gave a teasing grin, "Wow, you really are wanting to have a go at me aren't you?"

Alex rolled his eyes, "I'm serious, look at her. She can barely keep her eyes open."

Jo looked back at Jess, giving a wistful smile, "Yeah. Let me go give her a bath and put her to bed."

Alex gave Jess a quick kiss on the forehead and watched as Jo quickly climbed the stairs. He mindlessly straightened up Jess's toys before going to complete his nightly routine. He was just exiting the bathroom when Jo stepped in their bedroom. She gave a hesitant smile, "Hey."

Alex sat at the foot of the bed, "Listen Jo, if you're still not ready to talk we don't have to yet."

Jo walked over to sit beside him, "I can try. I know that's what you want."

"What I want is to know that you're okay," he said sincerely with a worried look.

Jo held his eyes for a second before dropping her gaze, "I'm never going to be okay, Alex."

Alex sat speechless, "Hey, look at me." He waited for her to look back up, "You're gonna be fine. _We_ are going to be fine. Come on, you have to know we'll all get through this."

Jo averted her eyes again, "Do I? How do you? Alex this isn't something I can wave a wand at and make magically better. This isn't a bad day; it's not a funk I'm going through. I...I'm not sure I'll ever be completely normal."

Alex stood and ran a hand through his hair. He turned back and put his hands on his hips, "What the hell is normal? None of us are normal, we're all messed up. You're giving up and that's not like you. Just freakin' talk to me. What's going on?"

Jo watched him from the bed, "I just feel so defeated, Alex. I'm so tired. And I feel so lost." She shook her head and looked down at her hands folded in her lap, "I hate feeling this way and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in on my own life. It just...doesn't feel like my own anymore." She glanced up to gauge his reaction before dropping her gaze to her hands once more, "Does that make any sense?"

Alex gaped at her in shock. He knew she was struggling, but he had no clue that's what she was struggling with. He paused to consider how to respond before asking sharply, "What does that mean?"

Jo swiped at her eyes and looked up angrily, "I don't know! I'm sure it's wrong." Alex stood shell-shocked and began to feel frustrated by the whole situation. She looked at him for a response before standing and walking to the bathroom, "Never mind. Forget I said anything."

Alex continued to stare at her perplexed, "Where the hell are you going?"

Jo turned and crossed her arms, "I'm going to get ready for bed. In case you haven't noticed, this conversation is a little one sided. Which means I'm just talking about things that I don't really want to talk about right now. You're the one who wanted to get into this so either get into it or I'm going to bed."

She stood for a beat before turning towards the bathroom again. Alex felt his agitation rise, "You're getting real good at running from all of this, you know that?"

Jo turned back to him with fire in her eyes, "How dare you! You don't have a clue what this is like. I sat here..."

"I would if you would talk to me! How the hell am I supposed to know what's going on with you if you don't let me in?"

Jo crossed her arms once more, "I don't let you in? Seriously? You've been in on all of this since day one! I've never shut you out, not once!"

Alex laughed sarcastically, "Oh really? I can tick off about a dozen ways that you've shut me out of all of this."

Jo narrowed her eyes, "You son of a bitch, do you even see how you are making this harder for me? I..."

"No, no I don't because you are keeping all of those secrets locked up. Just freaking talk to me!"

Jo raised her voice, "I'm trying! I just poured out my heart to you and you just stood there like a statue! What do you want from me?"

Alex scratched the back of his head, "I just want to understand Jo, that's all I want."

"You want me to help you understand something that I've spent the past thirty-two years trying and failing to make sense of. And then everything I thought I knew about myself and my past got rewritten over a single weekend. So again I ask, what do you want from me?"

Alex felt ready to explode, "I want you to try, dammit! I need you to quit feeling sorry for yourself and work through your crap. So you found out things that suck, you wanted this! I tried to tell you this may happen but you are so freaking headstrong!"

Jo flexed her jaw and looked at the wall before looking back at him with a deceptively calm, steely voice, "I am trying Alex. I don't feel sorry for myself. I feel broken. And I'm trying to hold myself together for JK, you, me, my career...Just give me a little time, please. That's all I'm asking for. I know you want to know what I'm thinking and what my plans are, but when I tell you that I need to work through it in my mind first, I need to work through it. So will you just back the fuck off? Please?"

Alex snorted sarcastically, "If you're working out crap in your mind, what would be so bad about doing it out loud? Can you just freaking answer that? All I wanna know is what you're thinking."

Jo hesitated briefly, "No. I'll talk when I'm ready. Why can't you give me the freaking space I need? I really thought you understood me better and would know what I need without me asking. Now I'm begging you, I need you to back off of this for now. Please."

Jo stood watching him, waiting for a response before turning once again, He called out desperately behind her, "So that's it. Your way or no way."

Jo balled her fists and turned on her heels, "It's me having to figure this out. It's me having to process thirty years of heartbreak and disappointment and abuse and pain. It's me having to put all these pieces together. And I can't do that if I'm fighting you every step of the way. So just stop."

Alex shook his head, "We've always been able to talk about anything."

Jo looked down, "I can't talk about this, Alex. Not yet. This isn't about you..."

"How is it not about me when it affects me every minute of my life?"

Jo bit her lip and answered brokenly, "I'm sorry. I am. But I can't. I know that disappoints you, but we're both just gonna have to deal with disappointments."

"What the hell does that mean?"

Jo's gaze burned him, "It means at this point in our relationship the fact that I'm having to beg you to understand me is disappointing. God, why can't you just drop it? Why does everything have to be on your terms..."

"On my terms? Are you freaking serious? This has been all you."

"With you pushing every step of the way."

Alex maliciously pointed a finger at her, "You're crazy."

Jo took a step back, hurt filling her eyes, "And you are not who I thought you were."

Alex crossed his arms over his chest, "Well that goes both ways."

Jo nodded, "That's nice, real nice. I never thought I'd ever get treated this way by you of all people."

Alex shrugged, "Well I never thought I'd have to explain black eyes to my kid, but hey we're all adjusting here."

Jo's mouth dropped agape, "I cannot believe you just said that to me."

Alex shrugged his shoulders, "Well if the shoe fits."

"You of all people should know that if I wanted to hurt you, your face would have looked much worse."

"I'm not..."

Jo gestured with her arms wildly, "I let up! I didn't hit you as hard as I could have. Because it hit me that it was you!"

Alex grunted sarcastically, "It hit you? Funny, I'm the one with the bruises."

Jo grabbed the sides of her head in anguish, "You ass! How have you been with me...known me...as long as you have and not know that you never grab me by the arm from behind. Especially when I'm already on edge. You know this!"

Alex put his hands on his hips, "So now I'm the ass for trying to comfort you and keep you from getting pancaked by a semi? Awesome. That's just freakin' great."

"No, you're an ass for bringing it up in an argument to try to cut me down. And congratulations asshole because it worked." She then stalked away and slammed the bathroom door behind her.

Alex stood silently in the middle of the bedroom as his heart rate lowered back to normal. What was wrong with her? They were partners in every sense of the word. Why couldn't she just open up to him? He slumped back on the bed and held his head in his hands. All he wanted was to work through this so things between them could get back to normal. Maybe they needed this argument to lay everything out in the open. He replayed the argument and thought back on his horrible words and felt sick. What was he thinking?

In a few short moments she came out of the bathroom quietly. Alex looked up expecting her face to be splotchy from crying, but she looked as if she hadn't lost a single tear. For some reason, that made him feel worse, "Jo, I..." He watched as she went to the closet and pulled out a blanket and then grabbed her pillow off the bed without looking at him. He watched her with desperate eyes, "Where are you going?"

"Away from you. Yang's spending the night with her boyfriend so I'm going to crash in there."

"Jo, come on..."

"No. I can't be around you right now."

He looked down and gave a weak, "I'm sorry..."

"Look, you leave for Africa in two days, let's just call a truce until then and use that time as the break we both obviously need." She grabbed her cell phone and walked towards the door.

Alex scrambled off of the bed, "What are you saying? You think we need to breakup?"

Jo slowly turned towards him, "I'm saying you and I were just horrible to each other. In four whole years I don't think we've said as many hurtful things to each other as we just packed into a single yelling match. I'm saying we could both use some time to calm down and think about what we want from here on out." She stood silently biting her lip before turning to leave, "Goodnight, Alex."

Alex watched brokenly as she walked out of the room. He sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his head in hurt and worry.

_What have I done?_


	22. Chapter 22

**Author's Notes: **Thank you to all of you that commented that Alex and Jo were in character during their fight. I'm kinda glad I don't know how much time I spent writing and rewriting that chapter because it would really be embarrassing, but reading your lovely comments about it made all that time worth it.

Happy Grey's Day folks!

* * *

Alex stood at the luggage claim waiting for his bag with anxious excitement. Being away from Jess and Jo for the past two weeks had been the hardest thing he had ever done. Thank God for Skype. Although things had been awkward and tense at times during their talks, he was hopeful he and Jo could get back on track and work things out now that they were in the same hemisphere. He had missed her and Jess so much it had been hard to focus on much else. He was stirred from his thoughts by someone speaking to him, "You look ready to get home."

Alex turned to see the beautiful blond that had accompanied him on the last two flights standing beside him. He smiled widely and laughed dryly, "Am I that obvious?"

She gave a cheeky smile, "Pretty much." She gave him a quick wink, "Can I talk you into helping a poor damsel out with grabbing a bag? I'm too short to reach that far."

"Of course, "Alex answered and quickly retrieved both of their bags before walking with Ginger out to the front of the airport. She had been a great travel companion and mercifully helped pass the time on his last two flights, "You got someone picking you up?"

She grinned, "Yep, a beautiful, shiny yellow car."

He shook his head, "Don't be silly. We can give you a ride."

He turned back to look ahead and saw Jo with a seeming asleep Jess on her shoulder. He stopped, feeling as if the breath had been sucked from his body. She looked gorgeous. She gestured for him to stay put and dropped out of sight. When people cleared from between them he saw Jess standing solidly. The little girl grinned widely and clumsily walked excitedly towards him without falling. Alex kneeled to wrap his arms around her when she arrived and placed kisses on her cheeks, "Oh how I've missed you, monkey."

The little girl grabbed his mouth and chanted, "Daddy" repeatedly as he stood and Jo walked slowly towards them.

Ginger placed a hand on his shoulder as she smiled at the girl, "She's more beautiful than you described, Alex. I see how she has you wrapped around her little finger."

Alex grinned at his little girl, "Absolutely." He looked up to see Jo standing quietly a few feet away and quickly made introductions, "Ginger Lee, this is my girlfriend, Jo Wilson. Jo this is Ginger, we've been flying together for the last...what? Twenty-four hours?"

Ginger grinned, "Something ungodly like that."

Alex looked back at Jo, "Ginger works for the World Health Organization."

Jo smiled politely at the other woman, "Wow, so you guys had plenty to talk about."

Ginger smiled brightly, "Well Alex has great insights." She turned back to him, "I need to be going, but you have my number?"

Alex smiled, "Yeah, thanks for everything. Sure you don't need a lift?"

She gave one last smile, "I'm good. It was nice to meet you all."

Jo smiled guardedly, "It was nice to meet you too."

Alex looked back to Jessalyn and tickled her stomach wildly, "You ready to go home Jessie bug?"

The little girl squealed happily as Alex shifted her up to ride his shoulders. He looked over to Jo noticing her watching with a reserved smile, "Hey, you okay?"

Jo nodded slightly as she began to wheel his suitcase, "Yeah." They had walked to the parking deck before Jo spoke up, "How tired are you? I have to go in to work now, but Meredith said she could keep JK if you need sleep."

Alex instantly felt frustrated, "You're running from me already?"

Jo opened the trunk and took Jess from Alex as he loaded his bags, "For goodness sakes Alex, I'm just going to work."

Alex slammed the trunk, "You're chief resident. You can't schedule yourself a day off for when I come back home after being gone for two weeks?"

Jo sighed as she worked to buckle Jess into her car seat, "The flu bug has hit hard and several residents are away at a conference. And Ben is at Cleveland for a fellowship interview. I wouldn't be going in if it wasn't absolutely necessary, so do you want Meredith to keep Jess or not?"

Alex gave a clipped, "No" as he started the car. They drove for a while in silence before he glanced over at her, "How have you been?"

Jo smiled softly, "I'm okay. A little tired from the extra shifts and running after JK, but I'm okay."

"Sorry," Alex offered in a clipped voice.

Jo shook her head, "Not your fault, you gotta take care of medically fragile orphans. How can I be mad about that?"

Alex smiled slightly, "Still."

Jo glanced at him, "How are you? You must be exhausted."

"Not really. Ginger was good company so the flights really didn't seem that long. It'll probably hit me hard tomorrow, but right now I'm not tired."

Jo nodded, "Good thing you have a couple of days to recover."

They rode in silence for another while before Alex pulled up to the hospital and shifted the car into park, "I guess I'll see you later."

Jo nodded and gave a short, "Yeah." She then walked to the backseat and gave Jess a wide smile and rubbed their noses together, "You be good and have fun with daddy." She then stood and straightened her clothes, hesitating briefly before giving a reserved, "I'll see you later."

Alex watched as she shut the car door and quickly walked into the hospital without a second glance. He looked in the rear view mirror to see Jess grinning at him in her headrest mirror, "What is up with your mom, Jessie?" The girl grabbed her shoe and gurgled at him happily. He smiled softly as he put the car in drive to head home, "Well you're no help."


	23. Chapter 23

Alex parked his car in the driveway, surprised to see Jo was already home from work. In the two days he had been back from Africa they had missed each other completely at home. Jo had been swamped at the hospital and he had gone into the practice to try to catch up on things before his first official day back.

He walked into the foyer and was surprised to see her sitting on the edge of the couch. She slowly rose to greet him and gave a small, "Hey."

He grinned at her and took a couple of steps towards her, "Hey yourself."

Jo averted her eyes and bit her lip, "We need to talk."

Alex felt a weight lift off his shoulders. _Finally_. "Okay."

Jo sat back on the far edge of the couch as Alex sat next to her with a considerable gap between them. He didn't want to make her uncomfortable or cause her to put her guard up. She seemed to struggle for a bit on what to say before he gingerly took her hand, "Jo?"

She looked up at him with glassy eyes, "Alex, I..." She quickly looked away and took her hand from his, "I think we need to end this."

Alex sat dumbfounded, unable to speak or breathe. In two seconds and seven words he went from feeling overwhelming hope to feeling as if his world was collapsing. He took a shuddering breath, "What?"

Jo rubbed her upper arms, "I've been thinking a lot about us: our last fight, the past few months, the way we are with each other now. I just, I think we should really look at us and see that we've changed. We're not the same couple we used to be."

Alex reached for her hand, "Hey, look at me." Jo glanced up at him briefly before averting her eyes again, "Jo, that's normal. No couple stays the same. You just have to hang in there together as it changes."

Jo shook her head quickly, "No. No, this is more than that. I don't think we can come back from this." She gestured wildly, "All of this." She turned towards him, "Alex, I am the luckiest woman on earth to have had you for the past four years. This isn't about you..."

Alex stood quickly and ran his hands through his hair, "Oh spare me the 'it's not you, it's me' bullshit."

Jo stood slowly, "Alex? Alex, look at me." He waited awhile before finally meeting her eyes. She put her hands on his cheeks and sighed, "I swear this isn't a cliché. It's not you. You are not the reason we didn't work out. I know that and I need you to know it too."

Alex reached up to hold onto her wrists and in a hitched, quiet voice pleaded, "We can still fix this, Jo. All of it. I'm so sorry for all that I said. You'll never know how sorry I am, I just...I just lost it. I'll learn from that, I'll be better, I'll..."

Jo placed a finger on his lips and shook her head, "It's not that Alex. You deserve someone who you don't have to get to that point with. I understand that if I had done things differently we wouldn't be in this mess. I should have listened to you."

"Jo..."

"I should have let you in more. And I realized that not letting you in means that there is something wrong at the foundation of us. Because after four years I shouldn't have any problems talking to you about what's bothering me, but I do."

Alex shook his head, "I shouldn't have pushed. I could have been more understanding..."

Jo looked down, "It's not just that, Alex. We've lost something along the way. We smiled more, we laughed more. You used to twirl me around in the kitchen for no reason at all and now...now we don't even kiss in the airport after not seeing each other for two weeks."

Alex looked at her in shock, realizing for the first time that he hadn't kissed her since before he left for Africa. He averted his eyes in shame, "I wasn't sure...I mean after we left things..."

Jo smiled sadly, "You don't have to explain yourself, Alex. And you don't have to lie." Alex's eyes snapped up to hers as she gave a rueful smile, "I'm just as much to blame and more."

Alex shook his head, "We can get through this. I know we can."

Jo wiped the corner of her eye quickly, "You deserve more, Alex. Better. You deserve to be happy. I'm never going to be able to give you what you want and what you deserve."

Alex looked up hesitantly, "What I want is you."

Jo took his hand tentatively, "You think that because we've been together so long. You'll find someone better. Someone who is more stable, someone who will communicate better, someone who can give you everything you want, someone who will be happy to be your wife. I believe there's someone better out there for you."

Alex felt his eyes begin to burn, "Someone better than you? There is no one better for me than you, Jo."

She blinked furiously, "Alex, you and I...we're always going to be in each other's lives. We have a beautiful daughter together and that means we're always going to have to put up with each other. I can't spend the next fifty years knowing you hate me."

He quickly protested, "I don't..."

"I know, and I want to keep it that way. If we keep going the way that we've been going it wouldn't take long for you to resent me. I'm no good for you, Alex. I'm not. It really didn't hit me until I saw you smiling with the World Health woman."

Alex snapped his gaze to her, "That's what this is about? Jesus Christ Jo, I was being pleasant!"

Jo shook her head, not relenting, "I know you were. But if I wasn't in the picture, would you have asked her out by now?"

Alex stared at her gaping, "How the hell am I supposed to answer that one?"

Jo nodded marginally, "I think you just did." She turned away and picked up her purse, "I'm going to stay with Stephanie right now until I find somewhere else. Jessalyn's upstairs taking her nap. I thought it might be better for her to stay here where it's familiar at least tonight until I get settled especially since she hasn't seen you much lately, but I can take her with me if you'd like." Alex couldn't speak and simply stared at her. She nodded, "We can work out a schedule tomorrow."

As she began to walk towards the door, Alex squinted his eyes in agitation, "I don't get a say in this? You're just leaving?"

Jo stopped, but didn't turn back around, "I'm sorry Alex, I'm so very, very sorry." She walked towards the door and paused briefly with her hand on the knob as a single tear trailed down her cheek, "I'm sorry I messed this up."

Alex looked after her but couldn't speak as she slipped out the door.

* * *

**A/N:** Don't freak too bad, but yes they did just break up. No dream sequence this time. But I hope you'll hang around for what's next :)


	24. Chapter 24

The next few days were a blur. Alex felt off kilter. Even during basic procedures he had long since mastered he felt shaken and unsure. He wasn't sleeping well and he wasn't sure what to do about it. It amazed him how large his bed seemed without Jo. How empty. He missed her so much it physically hurt all the time. The first night he had found a pair of Jo's sweatpants and curled up with them, but that just made his mind go into overdrive to the point he couldn't sleep. He tried sleeping on the couch, but that just made him feel more alone.

He hadn't had a chance to see her since the afternoon she left. They communicated primarily through texts with a quick phone call here and there, which was always about Jess and planning their time with her.

He had been so excited about today. They had been planning and coordinating a surgery for an eleven year old with bone cancer for weeks. He had decided them in an OR together for six hours would be the best opportunity to talk face to face. If nothing else he would at least get to see her.

His hopes were shattered when, as he was scrubbing, Callie entered the room and explained Jo had been tied up so she was stepping in. Alex grumbled an acknowledgement and tried to act as if he wasn't affected by the change although it felt as if his last piece of hope was shredding. She couldn't even stand to be in the same room with him and that really hurt. Close to the end of the surgery Callie looked up and grinned, "I see your cheering section is here."

Alex's eyes snapped up as he asked gruffly, "What?"

Callie looked up at the gallery, "Wilson up there watchin' her guy. It's cute."

Alex looked up to the gallery in surprise, his eyes briefly meeting hers, before looking back at his work, "She's probably just wanting to see the outcome. Why don't you go ahead and fill the family in. I can finish up here."

Callie nodded an acknowledgement of the dismissal and left. Alex finished the procedure as best he could with his foggy mind. A wave of relief washed over him as he stepped away from the patient and walked to the scrub room. He was washing on autopilot when he heard the door softly open behind him. He immediately knew it was her and couldn't keep the harshness from his tone as he focused on his hands, "What do you want?"

He felt her come closer, trying to make eye contact, "Are you okay?"

Alex looked up in disbelief, "Are you serious right now?"

Jo bit her lip and looked away, "How are you sleeping?"

"How does it look?" Alex snapped before he looked away to calm his emotions.

Jo slowly moved closer, "Alex, I'm so sorry. You can't understand how sorry I am to have hurt you and caused all this. But I promise Alex, it will get better..."

"Don't patronize me! It's not like you're the first to do this." Alex's eyes blazed as they searched hers before glancing away. He sighed deeply with a resigned note to his voice, "Why are you here?"

"I'm worried about you."

Alex gripped the basin to the point his knuckles turned white. He let out an anguished laugh, "You're worried?" He turned to face her as she looked away quickly, "You did this to me and _now_ you're worried?"

"I did what I thought was best," she offered weakly. She looked up more confidently, "But I will always worry about you, Alex. Always. That's never going to change. I'm always going to care about you and how you're doing."

Alex looked up, "Care?"

Jo smiled slightly in relief, "Yes."

Alex's eyes bored into hers, "But not love?"

Jo furrowed her eyebrows and moved closer to him, "Yes, love. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop."

"Then what's the problem? Huh? We love each other, we're miserable apart. Can you just explain to me what's going on? Is this a break? How much time do you need? Cause take it. However long you need. I think I can make it through this if I know you'll come back eventually." Alex could hear the desperation and emotion in his voice and for once he didn't even care. "Please, Jo. I need you."

He searched her eyes and watched them start to water as she looked away, "Alex..."

He shook his head in silent resignation, "I should have known you'd leave me too." He leaned on the basin again his arms flexing as he gripped it tightly with his head bowed, "I should have known."

Jo sniffled from beside him, "Alex just because we didn't work out doesn't mean we can't be friends.."

He looked up in disbelief, "Friends?"

She nodded unable to meet his eyes, "Friends." They stood in silence for a bit before Jo added weakly, "I know that may take a while but I hope one day we can be friends." He looked up at the brokenness in her voice and saw tears streaming down her face, "Cause you're the best friend I've ever had, Alex. I can't...I just..." He watched helplessly as she broke into sobs, "I need you, too."

He couldn't take it anymore and wrapped her in his arms. She hugged him tightly as the tears continued to fall. He gently rubbed her back as he choked back the lump in his throat, "Shhhh. It's okay Jo."

She shook her head and backed up, "No it's not. It's not okay. But it will be. I believe this is best for both of us. Both together and as individuals." She paused and wiped her tears, "It just hurts so bad to be away from you Alex because you're the best person I've ever known." She looked back up to meet his eyes, "And I'll probably always feel that way."

He looked sadly into her eyes, "How are you, Jo?"

Jo smiled marginally, "I'm okay. I started counseling while you were in Africa to work through some stuff and..."

Alex narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest, "So us breaking up was a freakin' shrink's idea?"

Jo shook her head and maintained eye contact, "No. No it wasn't. I'm just seeing how messed up I really am." Alex started to speak but Jo beat him to it with forced cheerfulness, "So, you're planning to get Jess from daycare after work, right?"

Alex nodded, knowing the heavier topics were closed for now, "Yeah. How's she been at Steph's?"

"She was kinda fussy the first night, but she's gotten better." Jo looked up to meet his eyes, "I know she misses you."

Alex nodded and looked away, "She misses you too. She looks for you at the house."

Jo gave a nod of acknowledgement, "She'll adjust and so will we." They eyed each other in silence for a bit, neither knowing what to say. She stretched up to give Alex a quick kiss on the cheek and darted out of the room before he could respond. He watched the door close behind her and felt as if his chest was squeezing his heart through his throat. Of all the people that had left him over the years, Jo Wilson without a doubt hurt the most.


	25. Chapter 25

**Author's Note:** Hey guys, thank you all so much for hanging in there through all this angst! I feel the payoff will be worth it so I hope you stick around even if Alex and Jo stay apart…

* * *

Alex tugged at his shirt collar and tried to loosen his tie. He looked over at Meredith and grumbled, "All this for a kid's birthday? Any part of you feel you maybe went a little overboard?"

Meredith looked out over the backyard decorated with strings of white Christmas lights and small tables with candles, "Please. Like if Jessalyn came up and begged you for a princess birthday party you would say no. Don't think that half-assed party you guys threw for her will fly in a few years from now." She cut her eyes back to see him fidgeting restlessly, "Will you calm down? You look fine." She then moved in front of him, "Hold on, your tie needs work."

Alex gave a regretful look at his friend, "Jo's been fixing my ties for the past four years. I'm out of practice."

Meredith gave a sympathetic look, "How are you guys doing?"

Alex shrugged, "Better I think. Over the past week there's been no yelling and no tears so that's an improvement."

Meredith cocked an eyebrow, "Want me to kick her ass?"

Alex gave a lightening smile, "No. She's just going through some stuff."

Meredith put her hands on her hips, "What kind of stuff?"

Alex shook his head, "I can't tell you that. How do I look?"

Meredith eyed him skeptically, "Desperate."

Alex snorted, "Gee, thanks." At that moment he caught sight of a blue ball of taffeta rushing up to them and bent at the waist in an exaggerated formal greeting, "Good evening Princess Zola."

The girl beamed at him, "Uncle Alex, you dressed up!"

His eyes darted up to Meredith, "I was supposed to, right?"

Both Meredith and Zola laughed and the small girl took his hand, "You gotta dance Uncle Alex." She pulled him to the dance floor that Derek and Owen had constructed and began dancing uncoordinatedly to an upbeat song. Alex glared at Meredith, who had walked over to Cristina to point out his predicament. Alex decided to just let go and be silly with the birthday girl, who was smiling brightly at him, happily yelling for him to dance.

After three songs Alex told Zola he needed to rest and limped off with what was left of his dignity to where Meredith and Cristina were, "Your party needs beer."

"Your dance moves need rhythm." Cristina popped off as she took a drink from her punch.

Alex was about to retort when he saw Jessalyn walking towards him in the grass. He walked over to meet her and scooped her up quickly into his arms, the little girl laughing with delight. He pulled back to look at her and wondered how it was possible to miss someone so much. Her hair had curled on its own in the humid air and blew softly in the breeze. She had on a red dress with a white bow on the waist. Alex was taken aback briefly by how she was looking more and more like Jo every day.

He looked around and spotted Jo at a table a few feet away watching him with Jess. He walked over hesitantly, "Mind if I sit?"

Jo shook her head quickly, "Not at all." She leaned over to readjust Jessalyn's headband, "So you found daddy, huh?"

The small girl bounced on Alex's leg happily as he looked up at Jo, "You both look beautiful."

Jo blushed to the point her cheeks almost matched the color of Jess's dress. She self-consciously smoothed her hands over the material of her green dress with black lace overlay, "You don't look so bad yourself."

Alex smiled softly, "So what's new with you?"

Jo leaned her elbows on the table and sighed, "Not much. Still seeing the therapist often. Have those two fellowship interviews coming up and I'm looking at apartments tomorrow."

Alex's eyes shot up to meet hers as he squeaked out, "Apartments?"

Jo smiled sadly, "Yeah. I can't keep bumming off Steph and JK needs her own space."

Alex was about to retort when Meredith announced it was time for the first parent-child dance as Zola pulled Derek to the dance floor. Jo patted his thigh playfully, "Go on."

Alex shook his head, "Nope. They said parent-child, not father-daughter. You go."

Jo narrowed her eyes, "They only did that to be sensitive to Sofia. Jess is attached to you right now, I'll dance with her later." She then nodded towards the other parents and kids with a playful spark in her eyes, "Go before Zola notices you guys are missing."

Alex grudgingly picked up Jess and went to the dance floor with her. She looked around mesmerized by the other dancers and lights as Alex gently swayed in circles with her awkwardly. He felt a rush of relief when the song was over and leaned over to kiss Jess softy on the cheek as he felt someone tap his shoulder, "Can I cut in?"

Alex glanced back over his shoulder to look at Jo sweetly, "Absolutely."

He handed Jess to her and watched in confusion as she turned to set the child down, who quickly took off clumsily chasing Bailey and Ben's daughter. Jo straightened and smiled at Alex, "Care to dance?" When Alex didn't respond Jo explained, "Meredith said Zola was upset that more grownups weren't dancing earlier."

Alex reached for her hesitantly. His hand slowly grazed around the curve of her hip to her back as he relished in the chance to hold her so intimately once more. They swayed in silence for a bit before Alex asked, "Who's watching little miss?"

Jo smiled and held him closer, "Ben said he would."

Alex nodded, satisfied with the answer, "So apartment hunting huh?"

Jo nodded, "Yeah. Apartment hunting."

Alex looked away, "You know we never talked about who should stay at the house. I mean it would make more sense for me to leave, I can crash with Mer..."

Jo looked questioningly at him, "How does that make more sense? It's your house..."

"It's our house," Alex quickly corrected. "At least it was."

Jo smiled sadly at him, "I know. But you're the one who bought it. You were there first. You have more of an attachment to it. Besides it was my decision to leave and I may be moving to another city soon anyway. Plus I couldn't put up with Yang on my own."

Alex quit moving and stared at her incredulously, "Cristina can move out, it's not like she's there much anyway."

Jo tilted her head, "That part was a joke."

Alex gave a self-conscious, "Oh." They slowly swayed for a bit before he ventured again, "What time do you want me to meet you tomorrow?"

Jo gave a confused look, "What's tomorrow?"

"I thought you said you were looking at apartments?"

"Yeah," Jo agreed warily.

"I should come with you. Help you check out the appliances and electrical systems and what not."

Jo smiled but protested, "You don't have to do that."

"I know," he agreed simply. "I want to. It'll make me feel better if I see for myself that you and Jess are somewhere safe."

Jo smiled with a slight blush, "Thanks Alex. I appreciate that."

"Why are you apartment hunting if you may be moving anyway?"

"I'm just signing a month to month lease until I figure out what I'm doing."

Alex nodded, his mouth feeling as if it was full of cotton, and gripped her tighter, "What happens then?"

Jo rested her head on his shoulder, "We'll figure it out. We always do."

"Not anymore," Alex corrected softly.

Jo blinked quickly several times, "We always figure out what's best for Jessalyn. I think we've done a good job with her through all of this."

They swayed in silence for a bit before Alex whispered brokenly, as he voiced his worst fear, "I can't be an absent father, Jo."

She stood up straight to look at him quizzically before her gaze softened, "I know, Alex. I swear you won't be. I couldn't do that to you or to Jess. I promise."

"What happens if..."

Jo placed a finger on his lips, "Shhh. Don't worry, Alex. We'll work it out when the time comes."

He held her closer as she rested her head once again on his shoulder. The closeness of her and the smell of her hair helped calm him, but he couldn't stop the fear in his heart that he was about to be separated not only from Jo, but now Jessalyn as well.


	26. Chapter 26

Author's Notes: Hey guys, thanks for staying with me even though Alex &amp; Jo remain apart. I appreciate you all!

* * *

Alex felt like a middle schooler waiting anxiously for his date at a school dance to show up. He paced mindlessly feeling more and more with each passing second like an idiot. He had decided to meet Jo at the airport to fly with her to her next interview as part of a grand gesture to win her back.

But now she hadn't shown and he was getting anxious. Had she cancelled the interview and not told him? Rescheduled it? Changed her flight? He was an idiot, he had already checked his luggage so it would be going to Baltimore regardless of what happened. He laughed silently to himself as he decided he needed a vacation from Seattle anyway. Maybe he was going insane.

"Alex?" He turned quickly to see the object of his thoughts about ten yards away. She rushed over to him, extreme anxiety marring her features, "Alex, why are you here? What's wrong with Jess?"

Alex shook his head quickly to reassure her, "Nothing, she's fine. Yang has her."

Jo started to speak, but stopped and stepped back marginally, "How can you say nothing's wrong when you left her with Yang? _Yang?"_

Alex grinned and shrugged his shoulders, "Mer is supervising. I just thought Jess would do better in her own bed."

Jo narrowed her eyes, "Wait, why are you here?"

"We planned this weeks ago," Alex tried to sound nonchalant, but inwardly he was terrified of how she was about to react.

Jo cocked an eyebrow, "The trip we planned before we broke up? You're here to go on the trip we planned before we broke up?"

Alex shifted nervously on his feet, "Well when you put it that way..."

Jo smiled slightly, "You realize that if I go missing on this trip the cops are gonna ask all kinds of questions."

Alex smirked, "I'll work on my explanations on the plane."

He started to walk towards the gate as Jo rushed to catch up to him, "Alex, wait!"

He stopped and turned to look at her, "Yeah?"

She looked somewhat lost and conflicted. Her eyes darted about the room before looking at him questioningly, "Why?"

He narrowed his eyes in confusion, "Why what?"

"Why are you doing this for me?"

Alex nodded and looked down, "You want to be friends right? Isn't that what you said?"

Jo crossed her arms, "Yeah."

Alex gazed softly into her eyes, "You need a friend right now."

Jo let out a small gasp at his sincerity and stepped back marginally, "I'm just going for an interview, Alex. I can manage that on my own."

Alex tilted his head, "Uh huh. Look me in the eye and tell me you aren't going to go tripping off looking for information about your mother."

Jo's eyes widened, "How did you know?"

Alex took a step towards her, "I know you, remember? I know how you think. You don't need to go through this alone, Jo."

She shook her head and backed up, "And you don't need to be drug into this, Alex. When I broke up with you it freed you from having to deal with all of this nonsense."

Alex nodded, "It did. And yet here I am. So what does that tell you?" He paused for a second letting her chew on that a bit before continuing. "Look Jo, I told you I can't be a long-distance father and I promised I would go wherever you found a fellowship. That hasn't changed, alright? Wherever you go, I'm gonna be following anyway so I might as well get a feel for the city I may be moving to as we run around trying to track down a damn ghost."

Jo was silent for a bit as Alex stood by nervously realizing how that tirade probably did not help his case. Jo lip quivered as she tried to hold back a smile, "So Stalker, did you book a hotel room or are you planning to crash with me too?"

Alex stuttered as he tried to come up with a response, "I haven't got a hotel room, but I will. I promise this isn't as creepy as its coming out."

Jo smirked at him, "If it was anyone else I'd be screaming for help right about now." She averted her eyes for a second before looking at him sincerely, "Thank you, Alex."

He turned to walk to the gate with her right behind him, "So what's the plan?"

"Plan?"

He turned back to her as they stood in line, "For looking for your mother?"

"What plan can I have? All I know is a name and address. I'm just planning to go to that address and see what's there."

Alex furrowed his brow, "You didn't google it?"

Jo nodded, "I tried, but something always stopped me. I don't know, I just couldn't do it."

Alex nodded, "Okay."

They stood in silence for a bit before Jo ventured timidly, "So how have you been?"

He looked back at her and tilted his head slightly in thought, "Better, I think. I'm finally sleeping okay. You?"

Jo nodded quickly and looked at the floor as they inched up in the line, "Yeah. I'm figuring it out." They were silent for a bit before Jo looked up, "So how's the dating scene going?"

Alex looked at her dumbstruck, "What?"

Jo nudged his arm with her shoulder, "Come on, I know you have to have been out by now. How was it?"

Alex shook his head, "I can't imagine going on a date right now."

Jo looked up innocently, "One night stand then?"

Alex looked at her in disgust, "What? No! The thought of being with anyone besides you trips me out."

Jo rolled her eyes, "You need to get out there Alex, have some fun."

Alex sighed in agitation, "I'm not ready for that."

Jo nodded, "Okay then, a casual date. Have you talked to that Ginger woman?"

"Yes, many times. She's helping us develop a better system for coordinating supply delivery to the clinics."

Jo nodded approvingly, "Great! Ask her to lunch."

Alex gave her a bewildered look, "Are you on drugs?"

Jo rolled her eyes, "Come on Alex, she seems great. She's beautiful, obviously smart, you enjoyed her company, she seemed to like kids...what's not to like? Do you want me to talk to her? Put in a good word for you?"

Alex watched her wordlessly before asking in anguish, "What are you trying to do to me?"

Jo gave a confused look, "I'm trying to help you move on and be happy. That's what I want for you. I want you to find someone great and she's...she seems great. You should get out there again, Alex."

Alex gave a look that was a mix of regret and appreciation. He hesitated briefly before timidly asking a question he knew he wasn't ready for her to answer, "Have you? Been out there?"

She laughed lightly, "Steph keeps taking me out trying to get me to hook up with somebody. It never works out though."

Alex frowned, feeling instantly protective, "Why not?"

She gave a sweet smile, "My bar is just set too high now thanks to you."

Alex gave her a challenging look, "And what makes you think mine isn't?"

Jo looked at him stunned, "So we both need to learn how to slum it I guess."

Alex gave a slight grin, "So wanna hit up a bar tonight? Help each other on our pickup lines?"

Jo stepped back and furrowed her brow in confusion, "Wouldn't that be weird?"

Alex rolled his eyes, "That's my point. This whole conversation is weird. You offering to talk me up to another woman is weird. You encouraging me to have a one night stand? Freakin' weird."

Jo giggled as she handed her boarding pass to the waiting attendant, "Okay, okay point taken. You can figure out dating on your own."

Alex sighed in relief, "Thank you."

She looked back and whispered conspiratorially, "But that attendant over there is smoking hot and there's nothing wrong with the mile high club." At Alex's look of disbelief she shrugged, "Okay, fine. I'm done, figure it out on your own."

As she walked further down the jetway he desperately hoped their seats were not close to each other.


	27. Chapter 27

**Author's Notes:** Hey guys, sorry for the delay in posting! Comes from a combo of less time to write and struggling with the middle of this chapter. Thank you all for being so wonderfully patient with me through this. The good news is the next two chapters are pretty much finished and I have pages and pages of notes and dialogue done for the remaining story, so fingers crossed for no more long delays!

* * *

Alex paced in the lobby of their hotel waiting for Jo to come down so they could check out the mystery address of her mother. If he was honest, he was freaking out about riding to the address with Jo. The memory of the last time they went in blind trying to find out information about her past was still too vivid in his mind and he worried how she would react to whatever they learned today if they found anything at all. Which could be a crisis in and of itself.

The whole trip had been weird on so many levels. Their first night in town they ordered in room service and watched silly cable TV in her room. Although it had been a little awkward at first, it felt good to spend time with her again just laughing and enjoying each others company.

The second day while Jo had her interview, Alex played tourist, visiting the Inner Harbor and just meditating on where their lives were going. All he felt was more frustration. The more he spent time with Jo the more he missed her, but at the same time he was miserable without her. Nothing made sense and the more he tried to sort out his feelings the more frustrated he became.

After her interview, they had dinner at a nice seafood restaurant. The conversation was easy between them as they talked about every subject imaginable. It was almost like he was falling for her all over again. And that hurt worst of all.

He was still lost in his thoughts when she startled him by grabbing his waist from behind. She looked up at him with humor in her eyes, "What are you so jumpy about?"

"You have to sneak up on me like that?" he bit off frustrated.

Jo stepped back, "Sorry. I called your name a couple of times but you were zoned out. Where were you just then?"

Alex shook his head, "Don't worry about it. Sorry I snapped." He clapped his hands trying eagerly to change the mood, "So where are we headed? Do you wanna eat first or sight-see or..."

Jo walked by as he trailed in behind her, "Catch a taxi that will take us to this spot. I want to get this part over with."

They quickly flagged down a cab and Jo rattled off the last known address of her mother. They each looked out their respective window at the passing sights. Alex glanced back over at Jo and saw how nervous she suddenly seemed to be. He reached over and squeezed her hand, "You okay?"

She looked down and shook her head, "No. What if this is a dead end?"

Alex ran his thumb across her knuckles, "Then we look for another way."

Jo looked up surprised, "We?"

Alex nodded and stated firmly, "I'm not going anywhere. You should understand that by now."

Jo smiled slightly as her eyes watered, "Thank you, Alex."

They rode in silence with Jo's hand still in his. The cab soon pulled up to an older church and stopped, "You two getting hitched or something?"

Before Alex could speak, Jo handed some bills to the cabbie and deadpanned, "Or something."

Alex exited the car and reached back to help Jo out. She held onto his hand and didn't let go. Alex looked at her with a critical eye, "Jo, do you need a minute?"

She looked at him with wide eyes, "Why would she list her address as a church? Do you think she's a nun?"

Alex gave a skeptical look, "Doesn't your existence kind of nullify that possibility?"

Jo looked up to meet his eyes, "She could have lied."

Alex nodded, "Very nun-like behavior."

Jo smiled slightly, "You're probably right. But what other reason could there be?"

Alex shrugged, "She could have worked here or worshiped here. I don't know, maybe she got help from the people here. Only one way to find out." Jo stood still, gazing up at the tall structure as Alex squeezed her hand comfortingly, "Do you wanna take a minute?"

Jo looked back at him and smiled, "No, I'm ready." As they entered the large church, Jo took her hand from Alex's and rubbed her arms nervously, "What now?"

Alex smirked, "How would I know?"

Jo rolled her eyes, "You were raised Catholic."

Alex gave a distant look, "My mom raised us Catholic, but not in the church. Kinda hard to be faithful followers when your mom thinks there are people hiding in the organ pipes. Besides, didn't you say you went to church as a kid?"

Jo nodded, while looking at the art on the walls, "With most families. My last Catholic home, I was around eleven I think. I don't remember much about it."

Alex was about to respond when an older priest approached them, "Can I help you?"

Jo gave a forced smile, "Yes, my mother used this address in the early nineties and I wanted to see if there was anyone here who may possibly remember her."

Alex listened as Jo gave details that she knew and gave the priest a thankful look when he listened attentively to what Jo had to say. The older man later excused himself, saying he would ask some people to see who may could be of help.

Jo slid into one of the back pews and let out a deep breath. Alex quietly sat beside her and struggled for what to say before wrapping his arm around her and rubbing her shoulder gently. She looked up at him with sparkling eyes, "Thank you for being here."

Alex shrugged, "A promise is a promise."

Jo's eyes clouded over as she glanced away and nodded, "Yeah." She mindlessly picked lint from her jeans, "You're too good to me, Alex."

"You're good to me," Alex said resolutely. "You always have been."

She was about to say something when she caught a glimpse of the priest walking towards them with an older middle aged woman whose eyes were sparkling. Jo stood as Alex quickly followed suit. The priest smiled compassionately, "This is Evelyn Byrd, our bookkeeper. She's been here thirty years in some capacity or another and she happens to think she can be of great help to you."

Jo's eyes gazed at the petite woman and extended her hand, "It's very nice to meet you. I'm Jo."

The lady smiled with glistening eyes, "It is so nice to meet you. I just...I'm sorry I'm a little speechless right now. This is a wonderful surprise." She slid into the pew in front of them as Alex and Jo sat down again. She turned and folded her left leg under her, "I'm so happy to finally meet you. What can I try to tell you about Lisa?"

Alex looked at Jo, who just stared at the woman dumbfounded. He cleared his throat, "So you knew her?"

The older lady smiled, "Oh yes, she was a sweetheart. So nice and polite. Always wanting to be useful. She was a beautiful soul."

Jo's voice trembled, "How did she die?"

Evelyn paled considerably, "Oh child, I don't know if she has or not. I'm sorry, I just haven't heard from her in several years. She moved and for a while she would call occasionally and send cards or letters, but they came further and further apart until they stopped coming at all. I haven't spoken to her in probably ten years at least, maybe fifteen."

Jo nodded in understanding, "How did you meet her?"

"Lisa started showing up at lunchtime for the free meals the church would do. It took a while for her to really speak to anyone, she was really just a child, at least compared to most of the others. I think she was eighteen when she first started coming. Us ladies felt for her and just started doing anything we could to help. Old clothes turned into new socks which turned into gift cards for food which turned into new blankets that turned into a night in a hotel room. Next thing I knew she was living in a small dump of an apartment and we were helping her study for her GED." Evelyn shook her head in amusement. "She never asked for a thing the poor dear, but she captured our hearts. She's the reason the church now has apartments for those who are trying to get back on their feet. The comprehensive program we have now is because of her."

Jo nodded slightly, "Did she...or do you remember her ever mentioning me?"

Alex's throat constricted at the emotion in Jo's voice. She sounded so lost. He looked back at the older woman, who was smiling compassionately at Jo, "All the time."

Jo looked down at her hands, "Do you know what...Did she say why...?"

Evelyn tried to meet Jo's eyes, "Why she left you behind?" Jo nodded meekly, "She never told me specifics. But I do know she was running from an abusive relationship. She was constantly worried he would find her."

A tear slipped down Jo's cheek, "Was that...? Was he my..."

Evelyn shook her head, "I don't know honey. I really don't. All I know is that she had a restraining order that he was ignoring up north. She mentioned once him trying to harm you and she got scared and gave you up, but….I don't think she meant to tell me that. And she never mentioned it again."

Jo nodded and looked down at her fingers as Alex took her hand into his, "Did she…did she ever talk to you about her childhood?"

The older lady pursed her lips, "I think she…wanted to. But she never did. Whatever happened, was very painful for her. You could see that in her eyes and the way she would react to things. But she never used it to make excuses or feel sorry for herself. She was a very determined young woman. She got her GED, went to trade school, and got a wonderful job at an insurance company. She was so gifted with numbers, she completely changed how I did bookkeeping here and helped me learn to use spreadsheets." The older woman chuckled and shook her head, "She was a very patient girl."

Jo smiled slightly as Alex asked, "Why did she leave?"

Evelyn shifted in the pew, "Well she graduated from our puny apartment when she got the job at the insurance company, but she still came to help out whenever she could. She was a great mentor to the others that came through our doors. But she…struggled a bit when she…ah well that is…."

"When she couldn't get me back?" Jo offered brokenly.

The older woman nodded sadly, "I wasn't sure if you knew. That took a lot out of her, poor dear. She was seeing a man at the time and when he was transferred out of state, he invited her to go with him and to marry him and she jumped at the chance to make a new life for herself. Said she felt she needed to start over and try to have a good life without any ghosts from her past."

Jo nodded and looked down, "That makes sense…"

Evelyn reached out to cup Jo's cheek and Jo looked up into the older woman's eyes, "She would never forget about you. She loved you so much. LIsa had a Polaroid of you that she carried with her all the time. She had it in a small plastic frame and kept it in her purse. She always wanted you, dear. Always."

Jo nodded as another tear slipped down her cheek. She struggled to speak, but gave a broken, "Thank you."

The older woman wiped Jo's tears with her thumbs, "You have her smile. And her hair was the same color as yours, just cut short. You're a little bit taller, but not by much." The woman took her hands away and looked at Jo sincerely, "And I can tell you're strong like she was. She would be so proud of you."

Jo smiled slightly, "Do you know where she went after this?"

"Nashville. With her boyfriend…Rick, I think his name was Rick. I'll look at home tonight and see if I have any of her letters still boxed away somewhere. I'd be happy to share them with you."

"That would be wonderful. Thank you." Jo quickly wrote down her contact information for the woman and handed it to her as they stood to say goodbye. "Thank you so much for all of this. I feel like I'm finally starting to understand her."

Evelyn smiled sweetly, "I'm glad. She was a huge blessing to me and to our church and community. Not many women like her in this world." She leaned over and kissed Jo's cheek quickly before enveloping her in a hug, "Keep your chin up, dear." Jo nodded in agreement.

As Evelyn turned to shake Alex's hand, Jo sat back down to gather her things. Alex mouthed 'thank you' to the woman, who winked in return. He watched Evelyn walk away and slowly stretched to work out the kinks from sitting on the uncomfortable pew for so long. He turned towards the door and noticed Jo had remained seated with her purse in her lap and a look of wonder on her face. He turned to the pulpit to see what she may be gazing at and furrowed his brow when nothing stood out. He turned back to her, "Hey Jo, you ready to get out of here?"

He watched as she shook her head and looked up at him, struggling with a response before bowing her head and quietly answering, "I've never been anywhere that I knew for certain my mother had also been. Never in my life. Never saw things that I knew for sure she had also seen… Alex, she walked on these floors, she sat in these pews, she..." Jo looked up at him with tears threatening to spill out of her eyes and choked on a sob, "She was _here_. It's a link to her that I've never had. Ever. I just...I just want to sit here for a minute and soak it in." She smiled up at the ceiling as the tears tracked down her cheeks, "But you go on and get something to eat if you want to. Go do something fun, I'll call a cab when I'm ready."

Alex shook his head and slowly sat down beside her again, their shoulders pressed together, "If it's alright with you, I think I'll stay."

Jo looked over at him with a grateful smile as he took her hand in his, "Okay."

* * *

**Additional A/N:** There is a sad, lonely lurker troll that has been spreading some hate towards the fandom and specific Grey's fans/readers on FF and I'm not going to allow them to use me to do it. So as a result I've changed the settings to moderate reviews. Please know if you post anonymously I will happily post your review even if you write something incredibly nasty about my writing or the story. I'm only doing this to weed out the troll(s) out there so any comment that I interpret as hate towards anyone else, I'll delete it in a heartbeat. Not that I think anyone actually reading this story is making the posts, just wanted to let you anonymous guys know why the settings were changed and it had nothing to do with any of you :)


	28. Chapter 28

Alex sat alone on the couch, the silence allowing his mind to race. He rubbed his face, trying to let go of images that had haunted him all day. He tried to watch some baseball, but found he couldn't concentrate. The beer he held in his hands between his legs had long since become too warm to enjoy. He stood quickly and paced around the quiet house, his eyes repeatedly landing on pictures of a happy smiling Jess, which just made the silence so much louder. He went back to slump onto the couch and stared at his phone sitting on the living room table, again debating if he should reach out to the only person he knew could help him.

After several more minutes, he finally picked up his cell and punched a quick text to Jo.

_Alex: Is Jess asleep already_

He waited with bated breath for a response and began to get nervous about disturbing Jo on her night with Jessalyn. He really didn't want to cause problems or make it seem like he was using Jess to talk to her. When the phone vibrated he almost jumped out of his skin

_Jo: Still fighting it with every fiber of her being. What's up?_

Alex took a deep breath and went for broke.

_Alex: Could I Skype with her real fast_

He took a few deep breaths trying to calm his nerves and decided it was taking too long for Jo to respond.

_Alex: Never mind. It's no biggie forget I asked. Thanks_

As soon as the text went through he tossed the phone on the couch and started to stand, stretching as best he could and decided to get a fresh beer. He was a couple of steps away when a call started to come through. He reached back and felt a weight lift upon seeing it was Jo. He quickly answered and was met with Jessalyn's smiling face and Jo's voice in the background, "Say hey to Daddy."

Alex slowly sat back on the couch as Jess gurgled out, "Eeh dadee."

He felt tears prick his eyes as he smiled, "Hey there munchkin. What are you doing?"

Jess hit the screen repeatedly as she squealed. He laughed at her excitement, especially when she tried to kiss the phone. He could hear Jo in the background laughing as well, "Do you want Daddy to sing you a night-night song?"

Jess shook her head no with her jaw locked in place. Alex smirked at her stubborn streak before quietly singing 'Itsy-bitsy spider.' Jess relaxed enough for Jo to lay the child down in her arms with Jess still holding onto the phone. He watched while mindlessly repeating the song as Jess' eyelids fluttered closed with her still fighting as hard as she could. When she was finally asleep he heard Jo's quiet voice, "I'm going to go put her down."

He nodded and saw that she had taken the phone from Jess and tossed it on the seat next to her. He smiled sadly and muttered "Goodnight" as he disconnected the call. He rubbed his face as he again sat in silence. He eventually got up and walked into the kitchen to get another beer. As he reentered the room, he heard his phone buzz and immediately answered, "Hello?"

"What'd you hang up for?"

He scrunched his eyebrows, "Huh? She fell asleep."

He could almost hear Jo rolling her eyes at him, "What's wrong, Alex?"

He was taken aback, "Nothing."

"Uh huh."

Alex sighed, "Look, thanks for letting me see her. I know I don't have a right to butt in on your time, but I appreciate it."

Jo was quiet for a second, "Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"I want you to listen to me, okay? You're not butting in. If you want to talk to your daughter, just call. Okay? She's not ever off limits to you. Ever." A heavy silence set in between them before Jo added lightly, "Unless she's finally good and asleep. Cause goodness knows it's a fight to get that child to la la land."

Alex laughed slightly, "Don't I know it." He was quiet for a second before adding sincerely, "Thanks, Jo."

Her voice came through again hesitantly, "Alex, what's going on?"

He blustered, "Why do you keep asking me that?"

"Because you haven't answered me yet."

Alex sighed and rested back against the couch, "The eleven month old that Yang and I have been working on..."

"The hypoplastic left heart syndrome baby?"

Alex nodded, "Yeah. She's been waiting on a heart, but when one became available she was too weak to proceed. She had been deteriorating the past few weeks and we lost her today."

He could hear the sincerity in her voice, "Oh Alex, I'm so sorry."

He gave a rueful smile, "Thanks. It's just...you know she reminded me of Jess in some ways and then today..." He trailed off, unsure if he could get out his thoughts, the image of pronouncing on a child that reminded him so much of his precious daughter seared in his memory, "Today she was wearing a striped shirt with purple cupcakes just like that one Jess has and I...I..."

When he couldn't go on, Jo whispered, "Oh Alex. Why don't you come over and see Jess in person? Do you think that will help? I take back what I said about the sleeping. You can come wake her up."

Alex laughed slightly, "No, just seeing her on the phone helped."

There was a slight pause before Jo's strong voice came through the phone, "Alex, any time that you want or need to see your daughter, you call mister. Don't pace around the house, drinking beer, trying to decide if you're going to call or not."

Alex's eyes flew open, "How did you..."

"I know you, remember? I swear Alex, you don't even need a reason to call. Okay? If you want to see or talk to Jess during my time, just let me know. It's not a big deal."

Alex smiled, "Same for you." He took a deep breath and laid back on the couch, "How have you been?"

"I'm okay I guess."

The uncertainty in her voice tore at his heart, "How's it going with finding out info on your mother?"

"Okay. I've been doing internet searches and found a few in the area she was last in. But I mean that's with her maiden name so it's probably not her. I just don't know how else to go about it."

Alex nodded to himself as he wiped the condensation off the beer bottle with his thumb, "I'm sorry."

There was a slight pause, "I don't know how I can ever thank you enough for being there for me through this. I don't know what I would do without you. I would have been a basket case if you hadn't been there with me."

"I wish I could do more," he offered regretfully.

"You've done so much more than I deserve. Thanks, Alex," she gave sincerely. She paused a bit and he could hear her mattress squeaking as she lay down, "I'm really sorry about today. Are you sure you don't want to come over? I can make up the couch for you."

"I'm okay."

Her voice took on a light teasing tone, "I have cookies."

At this Alex laughed, "Really, I'm okay now, Jo. I swear. But thanks."

He could hear her smile through the phone, "Anytime."


	29. Chapter 29

The sirens were deafening. Alex was unsure how many he had heard over the years, but none had sounded as hollow and melancholy as the sirens of the rig carrying his baby girl. He tried to stay calm for her, but it was so hard seeing her strapped onto a back board with bright blood seeping through her clean bandages.

"How much farther?" he asked frantically of Nicole. "Are we getting close?"

Her partner in the back tried to console him, stating they had just a few more blocks. Alex placed his hand on Jess' hair and rubbed her forehead as he always did to calm her, hoping the gesture would do something similar for him.

Suddenly the back doors opened wide and showed the shocked faces of Meredith and Kepner. He hopped out quickly and immediately turned back to Jess, "Where's neuro?"

Meredith placed her hand on his shoulder, "Amelia's on her way down. Alex, what happened?"

Alex couldn't look at her and kept his eyes glued on Jess, "Dog bite. She fell back and hit her head. She threw up a little and was lethargic."

They walked into a trauma bay and Meredith gently pushed him back, "Let us work, Alex." He anxiously stood off to the side feeling worthless and again tried to call Jo with no avail.

He wondered aimlessly behind her gurney as she was taken for multiple tests feeling more and more helpless with every step. It wasn't long after they returned to the ER that other doctors began to crowd the trauma room, curious about what was going on. Alex's eyes widened in relief when he spotted Stephanie, "Edwards, do you know where Jo is?"

Stephanie moved closer to him as they watched Kepner give orders to her intern, "She's in surgery. Has been since this morning." She glanced at him accusatorially, "She doesn't know?"

Alex gestured to his phone, his eyes never leaving Jessalyn, "I've left her a half dozen messages to call me and had her paged twice. I didn't want to tell her though a text."

Steph put her hand on his arm comfortingly, "I'll go find her."

Alex nodded, but didn't notice her leave. He listened numbly as Amelia explained the remaining tests she had ordered and her initial impressions. The room cleared out with the exception of him and an intern. Alex quickly walked over to Jess and observed the wounds Jackson had cleaned up on her arm and chest. He sat on a stool and began to sing softly to her, Jess finally giving him a smile for the first time since the ordeal started when Jo burst into the room, "What happened?"

She ran to the other side of Jess' bed and quickly kissed the small girl's cheek and rubbed their noses together as she talked soothingly to the small girl. Alex stood and backed away from the bed to give them a little space, "Toby...the...uh dog two doors up...got loose. We were just in the yard, Jo. I swear to you, we were just in the yard. She was playing with her tea set while I was cleaning out the car. I didn't even know the dog was loose until Jess was calling for him. I couldn't get to her fast enough. I didn't think he'd do anything...I should have been closer to her. I..."

Jo watched him with wide eyes before she quickly walked to him and launched herself into his embrace, rubbing his back soothingly, "Shhh, Alex. I'm not blaming you. She's safest when she's with you. I know that."

Alex slowly circled his arms around her, "She seemed to lose consciousness for a second. She threw up. Shepherd is running tests, but she thinks it's only a concussion."

Jo pulled back and nodded an acknowledgment. She looked down and gasped, "Who's supposed to clean you up?" Alex looked down in surprise as Jo rolled up his sleeve to show several large cuts. He had just assumed it was all Jess' blood. When he shrugged, Jo turned to the intern and instructed her to get a suture kit. She walked him over to the bed, "Sit."

He grunted disapproval, "Why can't I sit in a chair?"

Jo smiled softly, "Just sit next to Jess and hold her with your good arm." She gave a teasing grin, "Let her watch you be a good boy getting his stitches."

He rolled his eyes at her, finally starting to feel calmer, "Haha."

She began cleaning the wound quietly, "I'm sorry I didn't have my phone, it died sometime last night."

"I'm sorry I had a reason to be calling," he mumbled softly.

Jo looked up and studied him for a bit, "Did they give her a rabies shot?"

"No, the dog's been put in observation. Todd feels horrible about the whole thing. I don't know what happened, Jo. I..."

"Shhh, Alex. Don't get worked up again. Little hazel eyes are watching you."

He looked at Jess and grinned, "We'll have to get ice cream after this, won't we?"

The little girl nodded her head quickly, causing them both to smile. Jo finished work on his arm and kissed the bandage, "There, all better."

As she threw away the used supplies, Jess clapped and tried to sit up, looking unbalanced in the process. Jo walked back to the bed and picked her up to sit beside Alex. She held Jess and kissed her forehead, "You two must be exhausted."

Alex looked at her worriedly, "Yeah. It's been a rough day."

Jo smiled and patted his thigh, "That's an understatement. I honestly don't know how you stayed calm enough to drive."

Alex's eyes widened in surprise, "Calm? You think I was calm? I was a basket case. I've never been so scared. I really thought she had a severe brain bleed. I called 911 and everything. We got here in an ambulance with lights and sirens. I can't believe it's just a concussion."

Jo smiled at him, "You acted like a daddy."

"What?"

"You weren't a pediatric surgeon out there, you were a scared father doing what needed to be done. And you were great."

Before he could respond, Amelia returned to the room and completed another neuro exam, "I'd like to repeat her scans tomorrow just to be safe, but looks like she just had a nasty concussion. I think she can go home and either of you can watch and determine if she needs to come in sooner. Just page me if you need me."

Alex and Jo both thanked Amelia as she breezed out of the room. They sat on the bed for a beat before Jo patted his thigh, "Come on, I'll take you guys back."

Alex gingerly carried Jess to Jo's car and carefully strapped her into the car seat. The car ride was mostly quiet except Jess humming to the radio. Alex repeatedly looked back to check on her and noticed Jo glancing in the rearview mirror nonstop. When they arrived at the house, Alex invited Jo in to eat with them and she quickly agreed. They warmed up some leftovers and then each had some ice cream with Jess slapping her highchair happily.

Alex stood to clean her face and hands as Jo stood by awkwardly, repeatedly crossing and uncrossing her arms. Alex raised an eyebrow at her, "You okay?"

Jo looked up at him startled, "Yeah. Yeah, I'm good."

Alex continued to watch her as he picked Jess up, "Want to help me put her to bed?"

"I'd like that," she whispered. She followed Alex up the stairs and he could feel her eyes on him as he changed Jessalyn's diaper and rubbed her tummy as she drifted off to sleep. He glanced back at Jo, who quickly averted her eyes, "I have those same pictures in her room at the apartment," she said as she fingered the frame with the three of them in the hospital after Jess was born. She then picked up the picture of them on the carousel at the zoo and studied it, "You know, I don't think I've ever been happier than I was here."

He smiled reservedly, "Me neither." He watched as she blinked furiously and set the frame back down as he heard himself beg brokenly, "Please don't take her from me."

Jo quickly turned to him, her eyes wide in surprise, "What? Why would I ever do that?"

He tried to voice his greatest fear, "I wasn't watching..."

"Bullshit Alex," she whispered harshly. "It could have happened to anyone." He looked away as she pulled on his arm, "It _would have_ happened to anyone. You kept her as safe as you could have and safer than anyone else would have. We can't protect her all of the time."

He finally looked back at her intensely, "I can't lose her, Jo."

She looked at him sadly, "She's okay, Alex. She's going to be fine."

He shook his head trying to get her to understand, "If you get a fellowship..."

"I'm staying here, Alex," she stated firmly, but in a quiet voice. "I told Hunt this morning."

"Why?"

"Why? This is why. You can't be away from her, she can't be away from you. You have a great job here. It's not right to separate you two. It wouldn't be fair..."

Alex quickly shook his head, "But you need..."

"I'll be fine."

"Jo...," he rolled out quietly.

"This is a great program, Alex. I love working with Torres. I love my research. I love Seattle."

"But Jo..."

"And I would miss you too much," she looked up at him insecurely and shook her head. "I can't just not see you, not be close to you." She glanced away quickly before looking back to whisper brokenly, "It's bad enough already."

"Hey," he whispered as he reached for her hand. "I'm right here and I'll always be here for you. Always."

Alex wasn't sure which one of them started leaning for the other first although he realized it could have been simultaneous but the moment their lips met he felt electricity shoot through his entire body. All he knew was he was sure it had been Jo who first deepened the kiss and it was his fingers that first traveled under her clothing. It took a minute for him to realize they were still in Jess's room, but the moment he did he picked Jo up to carry her to the bedroom, her ankles locked firmly behind his back. He smiled into the kiss, feeling truly at home for the first time in weeks.


	30. Chapter 30

**Author's Notes:** Guys, I can't tell you how much I appreciate every single one of you. Seeing your reviews, favorites, alerts, and views constantly keeps me going with this story. I can't believe y'all have been on this crazy ride with me for over a year now. That's so wild to me I just can't put it into words!

Good luck to all of you that will be watching the Grey's finale tomorrow! I'm already a mess :)

* * *

Alex pulled the cover back over Jessalyn and ran his hand over her hair. Her temperature, pulse and respirations were all within normal limits. It hurt him to look at the bruises that had deepened overnight, but her cuts looked good without any signs of infection. He paused in the hallway and gazed at her one more time before quietly going back to his room.

He walked softly back to the doorway and just stared at Jo for a moment, unable to believe that she had stayed last night. They had taken their time, loving each other slowly with more emotion than he thought was possible before going again and then again with great passion and Alex had tried to commit it all to memory. The knowledge of each other's bodies along with the emotional desperation and, for him, deep longing made it without a doubt the best sex of his life. He hated it had to come to an end, but he was sure that when Jo awakened she would quickly leave.

While he was checking on Jess, Jo had moved to his side of the bed and was clutching his pillow tightly. He gave a barely noticeable grin before going to what had always been her side and spooning her from behind. She sighed and melted back into him as perfectly as she always had. He reveled in the fleeting moments of getting to hold her so intimately and felt his heart break when she stiffened in his embrace a half hour later. He hugged her to his chest and mumbled, "Don't freak out."

He heard her chuckle softly and felt her fingers skim over his hand that was resting on her abdomen, "I'm not freaking out." She turned somewhat in his embrace to look at him questioningly, "Are you?"

He raised himself up to look at her fully and shook his head slowly, "Definitely not."

She smiled haltingly and began to pull the bedsheets off of her body, "I just need to check on Jess."

Alex gripped her tighter and closed his eyes as he lay back on the bed, "I already did. Just got back a little bit ago. She's good."

Jo moved to lay completely on her back to look at him, "How many times did you check on her last night? Truth."

Alex propped himself up on his elbow to see her and shrugged, "I don't know. Four or five. You?"

Jo held his arm that was still resting on her midsection, "About the same." Her smile faded slightly as she ran her fingertips over his forearm, "Thanks for...ah...comforting me last night. I kinda got freaked there for a minute."

Alex's eyes popped open, "You were freaked? You had nothing on me. And I would've been worse if you hadn't been with me so thanks."

Jo nodded, "I'm glad we were able to lean on each other. I don't know what I'd do without you." They maintained eye contact that steadily became more intense until Jo looked away suddenly, "Alex, I..."

He cut her off quickly not wanting to be hurt by her words, "Hey, look I know this doesn't change anything alright? I know that so don't feel you have to remind me or apologize or whatever you are about to do. I feel like we're doing good with the co-parenting, just friends thing and I don't want things to be awkward between us so let's just chalk last night up to giving each other the comfort we both needed alright?"

Jo nodded quickly before looking away, "Sure. That's...yeah."

Alex pursed his lips and gazed at her, "So, I really think you should reconsider the fellowship."

Jo rolled her eyes and turned back to look at him, "I knew you wouldn't be able to let that go. It's done Alex and I'm happy with my decision. I have no regrets okay?"

"If this is about me and Jess, I'll..."

"Look Alex that decision had nothing to do with you. I mean in a way, yeah maybe it did in some ways, but taking all the personal stuff away and just looking at it from a career perspective, this program best meets my needs and what I want in the future professionally. I mean yeah some of the others were tempting especially with the thought of having a new challenge. I mean I pretty much know what to expect here, but..."

"Jo," Alex began softly to cut off her ramblings, "Go be great and find your next challenge. I mean one of the perks of private practice is schedule flexibility so I can visit Jess often. We can Skype. We'll make it work."

Jo nodded and looked up at him, "Alex, I'm fine with my decision. I'm happy, okay? But I had already decided if I ended up taking a fellowship somewhere else Jess would have stayed here with you."

Alex's eyes widened, "What?" He narrowed them in confusion, "But last night..."

"I know what I said last night," she cut him off quietly. "I just...I can't...I can't wrap my head around this...the three of us...I don't know. I mean it though, it's not fair that the two of you be separated."

"Jo, look..."

Jo bit her lip and ran her fingers across the arm still resting on her torso, "I wouldn't like it. I mean this isn't like what my mother did. I hope you don't think that of me."

She glanced up to meet his eyes briefly as Alex gaped at her. "Jo," he elongated, "I know that you're not going to just up and abandon her. I just don't understand why..."

"She's been through so much already this year because of our split. I just...I just want some stability for her." Her eyes moistened as she pursed her lips and looked down at his arm still around her torso, "I just never thought...I never thought she would be going through this."

As the tears escaped her eyes, Alex hugged her to him, "Hey, stop. We've done okay I think. Her life is not as unstable as you're thinking, I promise." He slowly rubbed her circles on his back soothingly, "She's so loved I worry sometimes about her being a spoiled brat." He felt Jo laugh in his embrace and kissed her hair, "We're doing okay."

Jo nodded on his shoulder and held him tighter, "I just...God, I never wanted this for her. The moving, the constant back and forth, her not knowing where she's going to sleep at night. I never wanted my kid to go through that."

Alex pulled back slightly and frowned, "She's not. This isn't like how it was with you and me. She's doing great. Mostly because you're so great." He wiped her cheek with his thumb, "She's okay, Jo."

Jo bit her lip and searched his eyes, "Because you keep me from falling apart. You're the great one here, Alex. Which is another reason why I would have...why she would have stayed with you."

Alex pushed some of her hair off her forehead, "If I'm great it's because you make me great."

Jo was about to respond when they heard whimpers through the baby monitor. She quickly got up and readjusted her clothes, "I'll get her, I'm sure she needs some pain medicine."

Alex nodded as he climbed out of the bed and stretched, "You wanna stay for breakfast? I can cook up something."

Jo paused in the doorway and grinned back at him, "That sounds great. Then we can go see Amelia?"

Alex nodded as he grabbed his watch off the nightstand and walked towards her, "Sounds like a plan."

Jo pursed her lips in thought, "Would you want to hang out with us afterwards? I was thinking of doing something fun with her like the park or the Children's Museum. If you want to...I mean don't feel you have to."

Alex grinned ever so slightly, "There's nothing I'd rather do than hang out with the two of you."

* * *

**Additional A/N**: I hope you aren't all fetching your pitchforks right now :) I swear, they have never been the greatest communicators, but they'll do better eventually!


	31. Chapter 31

**Author's Notes:** Thank you all so much for hanging in there! I promise they are going to get somewhere even though it seems slow. This chapter happens just a few days after the last one.

Special shout out to Vi-I wasn't planning to update today, but couldn't resist after your review. Best of luck to you &amp; I hope you have a smooth delivery of your precious bundle!

* * *

"And then she just left," Alex slurred, the alcohol getting the best of him. "We spent an incredible day together and a...mind blowing night and she just leaves like it's nothing. I mean I'm drunk, Joe. Have you ever seen me drunk before?" He laughed at his own joke, "I hold my liquor, damnit. But she freaking sleeps with me then acts like nothing's different. She's making me crazy."

Joe leaned against the bar, "Man, I've known you a long time and I gotta say this is a first. I've never seen you this smashed."

Alex stood shakily and grabbed the coffee Joe had given him, "Here's to new experiences." He chugged the drink and set it back on the bar heavily, "I'll catch you later man, I gotta get home."

"Wait, let me call you a cab."

Alex waved him off, "I can drive."

Joe leaned on the bar, his voice full of sympathy, "Alex, I took your keys a half hour ago."

Alex dangled a set at the bartender, "But not the spare set."

He turned to leave as Joe raced around the bar to jump in front of him, "You're not leaving like this Alex. Give me the keys."

Alex set his feet and bowed his chest out, "You'll have to fight me for them."

Joe shook his head sadly, "I'm not gonna fight you, Alex."

"But I will."

Joe turned allowing Alex to see Jo standing in the doorway looking at him with worry. Alex turned to the bartender, "You called _her_?"

Joe shrugged, "I knew she would know what to do with you."

Jo stepped forward and gently took the keys from Alex without any more protest. She slid her arm around his waist to support him, "Come on, let's get you a banana bag." She turned and looked sincerely to the bartender, "Thanks, Joe."

Alex mimicked her, "Thanks, Joe."

Joe shook his head, "Thanks for coming, Wilson. Good luck."

Jo struggled to walk Alex across the street. She snuck him into the tunnels to hide his state from anyone that may be around and unceremoniously dumped him on a gurney, "What is this about, Alex?"

Alex narrowed his eyes at her, "Like you care. Where's Jess?"

Jo rolled her eyes, "Like I would be here right now if I didn't care." She gave a compassionate look as his forehead scrunched up in pain, "And I called Steph to come stay with her when Joe called me."

Alex moaned, "Great, as if Edwards didn't hate me enough."

Jo gave him a curious look as she put on gloves, "Steph likes you. She's all time trying to talk you up to me."

Alex pulled his head up slightly to give a disbelieving look, "What?"

Jo smiled, "Apparently you and I not being together is stressful for her and her belief that she will find her soulmate." She readied the needle, "Alright little pinch."

Alex narrowed his eyes, "She was trying to get you to hook up with random guys..."

Jo chuckled as she hung the bag onto the IV pole, "In dumps that respectable people don't look for relationships in. I think she was hoping I would see how much I need you. According to Steph even though you are...how does she put it? Wildly inappropriate, childish, and...gross I think are the words, you're still perfect for me."

"I think I may be sick."

Jo laughed, "Well that's sweet of you."

Alex struggled to sit up, "No Jo, I really think I may..."

"Oh shit," she exclaimed as she jumped up and found an old cardboard box to give him just as he emptied his stomach. She rubbed his back as he retched and when he was done promptly put the box in a biohazard bag and scoured for a more appropriate basin. When she returned he was laid back and looking pale. She wiped his face with a damp cloth and sighed as he met her eyes, "What's really going on, Alex?"

He crossed his arms defiantly, "The stars are dimmed by clouds and tears."

She paused with the cloth at his temple, "Did you just quote Cure lyrics to me?"

"Pretty damn fitting don't you think? The guy had a great life going with a partner that made him dare to hope that he could have what he had once thought was impossible just to have it all shattered to pieces."

Jo blinked furiously, "Oh, Alex."

"That's one of your favorite bands, some kind of sick self-fulfilling prophecy you've got going there," he gritted out before crossing his arms and looking away from her.

Jo slowly sat down beside him, "Alex..."

"Unless you're about to say you want to come home and be a family again I don't want to hear it."

"Alex, I miss us too. I don't sleep, I still cry half the night. I do better when Jess is with me but even then..."

Alex glanced at her shakily before turning away, "You still don't want to be with me."

Jo swallowed the lump in her throat, "Alex, you just want me because of Jess." She paused and looked at the banana bag, "You've always wanted to give her what we never had, but Alex all I give you is pain. I don't give you what you need and I can't. You need to let me go and I know you can. Everyone does." She looked back at him, "It's not me you want, it's stability. And that's not me. I can't...I can't be that for you. But I'm sure there is someone out there who can."

Alex narrowed his eyes, "Are you serious right now?"

"Alex, I know what it's like to be in a situation where you're living with people that aren't giving you what you need and I know that you have too. The pain that comes from that...that hopeless, empty feeling? I can't be the reason you feel that kind of pain, Alex. I can't stand the thought of doing that to you. And if you're being honest, really honest, you don't miss me. You miss the _idea_ of me. You've always wanted a nice, stable, nuclear family. And I get that, I do, and I know at one time you wanted me, but things changed. I...I want you so bad Alex. I do, but it's just setting us up for failure down the line because you can do better than me and you should. Your feelings for me have changed, Alex, they're not what they once were." She looked away quickly, gathering her thoughts before she turned back to meet his eyes, "When I broke up with you, I was just doing what I knew you wouldn't do. You're too good Alex, you would fight to the end to make this work and even if we failed and you were miserable you'd stay with me. I know you would. And you shouldn't have to. I'm not worth that. And I think eventually we would both be miserable. And I don't want that. I don't want you to hate me and I don't want Jessalyn to grow up thinking that's normal."

Alex winced from the pain that was shooting in his head, "I don't want you?"

Jo sighed and took his hand, "I don't think so, no."

He looked at her brokenly, "But I miss you."

Jo pursed her lips, "Please don't say that. I don't know what else to do, Alex. I've tried avoiding you, I've tried being friends, I've tried planning a cross country move, I've even tried pushing you to other women for crying out loud. You've got to let me go. What do I need to do for you to let me go?Cause I will do whatever I need to to help you move on."

Alex snorted, "What makes you think I want to? This tonight, this is a result of me trying to move on. You and the guys at the practice keep on me to get back out there so I asked out Ginger and it was a freakin' disaster."

Jo smiled sadly, "Alex, most first dates are. That's normal."

He shook his head, "You know why this was a disaster?" He raised his eyebrows at her to answer. When she shook her head he gestured helplessly, "She wasn't you. Everything about her I compared to you. The way she ordered, the way she looked through the menu. I even missed the way you cut your freaking salad. I just, I kept picturing her morphing into you with your hair getting on your nerves when it won't stay behind your shoulders. And the way you always give Jess a bite of what you're having even if you think she'll hate it. And how you can never decide what you want and you leave half your food to take home so you can have dessert." He fell back on the gurney, suddenly exhausted, "Or the way we could just talk openly about anything. I just...I can't move on from you."

Jo nodded sadly as he struggled to keep his eyes open, "You can and you will. The first date is always hardest, Alex. You can move on, I know you can. People always do. We'll get through this hard part and be better for it."

He gripped her hand, "How can you be so sure?"

She smiled softly as he started to drift off to an exhausted, alcohol-induced sleep with her still wiping his brow, "I have to hold onto that hope. What other choice do I have?"

* * *

P.S. If you are unfamiliar with it, Alex was referring to "To Wish Impossible Things" by the Cure. Hauntingly beautiful song &amp; kinda goes perfectly with where he is right now...


	32. Chapter 32

Alex sat on a bench in front of Grey-Sloan soaking in the cold rain. It had been three days since Jo had picked him up at the bar. He hadn't slept well since and his appetite had changed. Her words echoing in his mind haunted him. _I miss you too...I still cry... Let me go, everyone does...You just want me because of Jess...You don't miss me...I'm not worth that._

He ran a hand through his slick hair and sighed. He wasn't sure where to go from here. He looked up at the sound of his name and watched as Yang jogged over to him, "What are you doing out here?"

"Thinking," he bit off gruffly. "Didn't think anyone would bother me out here."

Cristina tried to get closer to get him under her umbrella, "You know, I don't know if you realize this or not, but parents of sick kids don't really like doctors to be hacking from pneumonia while standing over their child's open body cavity."

Alex looked up at her with a hint of a sarcastic smile, "Har, Har."

She nodded back to the hospital, "Come on, let's go back inside."

Alex looked up at her heartbrokenly, "I think I just need to take a walk and sort some things out."

Cristina sighed and sat next to him on the wet bench, "Sometimes things just don't work out. You and hairball just didn't work. Doesn't mean you're a failure."

Alex gave a dry laugh, "Thanks."

"Look at me and Owen. No matter how many times he chased me and begged to be let back in, I knew it wouldn't work. Wilson knows you won't work. Stop banging your head against her walls."

Alex snapped back at her, "Is this you trying to help?"

Cristina rolled her eyes, "Look, does she know you want her back?"

Alex narrowed his eyes, "What are you talking about? You've seen how miserable I am. She knows."

"She knows you're miserable. Have you actually said 'I want you back'? Cause she depresses me every time I have to be in a room with her. You may be miserable, but so is she. Have you told her you want to try again?"

"She knows..."

"Did you tell her?"

"Yes! I begged her. Do you really think I'd be wallowing in self-pity if I hadn't tried? You and Owen had valid reasons, but she and I...it doesn't make sense. She's the love of my life. We have a child together. Do you get that at all? I can't just snap back from that."

Cristina nodded, "If you feel that strongly about it then try again. Worst she can do is move to Switzerland." He looked up and rolled his eyes at her attempt to make him laugh. She patted his thigh, "What have you got to lose?"

"You really are a pain in the ass do you know that?"

She shrugged lightly, "So I've heard." She studied him for a bit, "There's no shame in chasing her a bit. She's always chased you."

Alex gave a dry laugh, "What?"

"How many times have you tried to push her away just to have her force her way back in?" Cristina stood and shivered in the cold, "I don't understand why she thinks you're worth that.."

He narrowed his eyes, "Thanks."

"But you must be." She shrugged and studied him for a bit, "Stop looking so pathetic. It's embarrassing."

Alex looked up and watched as she walked briskly away. He sat a bit longer in the cold rain before getting up to walk. He passed Joe's and briefly considered going in to drink, but decided against it after remembering his massive hangover from the last time. He walked along aimlessly, his mind flashing through the past couple of months and then through his whole relationship with Jo, all the way back to when he first met her.

He decided maybe Cristina was right. Had he made it undeniably clear that he wanted her and only her? Had he done everything he could to make her see how much she meant to him? Had he done enough to prove to her that he still wanted to be a family with her?

He looked up, surprised to find himself standing in front of her building having walked much further than he realized. He walked determinedly into the building, confidently walking past the doorman, who didn't attempt to stop him. In the elevator he rubbed his palms against his jeans nervously as he watched the numbers light up signaling he was getting closer to her.

When the metal doors opened, he quickly walked to her apartment door and started banging on it like a madman, "Jo?" He knocked again, "Jo!"

He took a step back as she came flying out the door at him, anger marring her features which quickly turned to worry, "Alex? Alex, what's wrong?"

He gapped at her, suddenly unable to speak, before shaking his head and shakily replying, "Everything."

She gripped his forearm, her brow knitting with concern, "Alex, what happened?" She stared at him for a beat before pulling on him, "Come inside, let's get you cleaned up."

"No," he stated firmly.

She looked back at him, "Have you been drinking?"

"No," he answered defensively before his voice softened. "No, I promise I'm sober. Just...shut the door."

"Alex, you're gonna get sick. You're soaked to the bone."

"Look, I have a whole speech ready for you and it only works if you go back inside."

She turned to him fully with a hint of a smile and crossed her arms, "And if I don't? Seriously Alex, you need dry clothes."

He crossed his arms to mimic her, "I'm not leaving this spot until you hear me out."

She eyed him for a minute, trying to determine if she would win this battle of wills, "Alright, but hurry up."

He watched as she went back inside and slowly shut the door, her cheeks starting to blush slightly. When he heard the door click, he took a deep breath, "Jo, I realized tonight..." He sighed as she opened the door once again and gave her an exasperated smile, "Shut the damn door, I'm not finished."

She grinned at him, "I uh...I can't hear you with it shut."

He felt a silent laugh escape his lips and reached for the knob, "Then just leave it cracked."

He marveled at her shy smile, "You know you could just come in like normal people do."

He tilted his head in frustration, "Look, I have metaphors and everything and you're ruining it. Just shut up and listen."

She rolled her eyes, "Fine."

He winked at her as he pulled the door to. He tried to calm himself before diving in, "I love you, Jo. I don't know what I did or didn't do for you to doubt that, but I love you. It's not about Jess or a house or what city we're in or where we work or anything else. You take all that away and I still love you. I still want you and..."

She swung the door open wide, "You remember that?"

He rolled his eyes as his shoulders slumped, "Yes I remember. You think I was so drunk I would have blocked all that out?"

Jo glanced away, "Well yeah..."

He placed his hands on his hips, "Is that why you told me? You thought I was too wasted to hear you?"

He watched as she nodded slightly, "I wanted you to understand, I didn't think you'd remember exactly word for word what was said."

He stared at her until she met his eyes again, "I want you, Jo. Now shut the door."

She wiped a tear at the corner of her left eye, "Well if that isn't a mixed message..."

He snorted, "Do you really want to talk about mixed messages right now?" She glanced up, her face stricken by shock and hurt. He gave a reassuring smile, "It's okay, Jo. Just please shut the door." When the door came to again, he took a deep breath, "I realized tonight that the problem with us is...you always chase me. I pull away, I put up walls, I shut you out...you come after me. You don't let me go. You don't let me leave. You don't let me pull away or shut you out. You tear down my walls. You just show up and beat on my door, begging to be let in again, and I didn't do that for you. And so I'm sorry, Jo." He sighed as the door swung back open, "I'm not done."

She shook her head defiantly, "Stop apologizing. It's not your fault. None of it is your fault."

Alex tilted his head to the side and gazed in her eyes, "But I am sorry, Jo. I'm sorrier than you will ever know. You deserved better..."

"Shut up. I'm serious, Alex. Just stop it." He felt his face fall as his lungs screamed for air thinking she was about to tell him to leave. She noticed immediately and took a step towards him, "I'm the one to blame. I can't stand hearing you apologize for something that's my fault. I told you, it was never anything you did..."

"I didn't try hard enough." He gazed into her eyes, "It takes two, Jo. So I'm sorry. Now will you please let me finish?"

She sniffled as she turned away. As she started to push the door closed she looked at him again, "Will you at least change shirts?"

"I'll go change after I get all this out. I swear." She nodded softly as her face disappeared from his view, "I don't know where you learned to be so loyal and...committed to something. I wish I understood where you get that from. Cause it hit me that, for whatever reason, you thought I was giving up on you like everyone has before and I...I wish I could have given you just a small amount of that commitment in return." He sensed her moving again and grabbed the knob, "Don't even think about opening it again. I should have chased after you. You said we had grown apart and I barely argued with you. I should have fought harder. I should have chased you. I should have begged you to let us try to work it out."

He shuffled slightly and shuddered slightly from the cold that was seeping in to his body, "I don't understand exactly what happened with us Jo and maybe I never will. But I do know that I still want you. And I know that I love you. I know that we are not perfect people and we aren't a perfect couple but I know that you are perfect for me. You can push me away, but I'm gonna always be here because you are it for me. And you've been it for me since not long after I met you. And it will always be you. So if you really don't want me...fine, I'll go away but if this is because you think I'm not in this you're wrong. I love you and I'm in this so you can let me back in or I'll keep beating on your walls and knocking on your doors. Until you see that I want you and I want to be let in and that I always want to be in it with you whatever life brings if that's what you want too." He watched the door wide eyed as he tried to catch his breath and stood shakily as he waited for her response.

**Author's Note:** Hey guys, sorry to leave it on a cliffhanger like this, but it was the best stopping point cause this part got reeeeally long on me. I'll try to post the next chapter within a few days. As always, thanks for the awesome support. You guys are amazing!


	33. Chapter 33

**Author's Notes:** Hey guys, sorry a few days turned into eight. Real life just really stinks sometimes...

* * *

Alex started to feel nauseated from the anxiety and the fear of having just put all his feelings out in the open for nothing. His chin quivered slightly as he squeaked out, "Jo?"

He heard a small smile in her voice, "Is it okay for me to open the door now?"

He couldn't help the grin that started to spread across his face, "Yes. If you want to, I mean."

She opened the door wide and stepped to the side, "Get your ass in here." He stepped in quickly as she walked across the room, "Follow me."

He did as she instructed but stopped cold in the threshold of her bedroom, "Ah Jo, this isn't what..."

"Oh stop it, I'm just getting you some clothes to change into," she threw over her shoulder as she rounded the bed to get to a dresser.

He shuffled on his feet, "Oh." She quickly retrieved some items and handed them to him. He narrowed his eyes, "Hey, I've been looking for these."

She smiled at him before pushing past him to go into the bathroom, "Sorry. I just knew I would need something to help me sleep without you so I snatched them off the dryer when I left." She started running the water in the shower to warm the pipes and opened the cabinets to retrieve a towel and washcloth, "I left you some of my clothes in exchange."

He grinned as he watched her, "Thanks for that."

She looked up at him awkwardly, "Just take whatever you need, I'll wait on the couch."

She stared at him a bit, neither quite knowing what to do. Finally he nodded, "Okay."

"Set your wet clothes outside the door and I'll start drying them." She walked past him as he started preparing for his shower. He quickly observed he was much more soaked than he had realized as he struggled to peel off his clothes. He went over their conversation in his head and practiced what he wanted to say to Jo next. He scrubbed his face and tried to calm down. When he felt sufficiently warmed up he stepped out of the shower to quickly dry himself and put on the clothes she had given him. He hung the towel on a hook behind the door and slipped out. He stopped at the threshold of Jess' doorway and smiled at her soft breathing. He walked over to her and rubbed her back softly, "Sweet dreams baby girl."

"She gets more like you every day," Alex quickly turned at the sound of Jo's soft voice in the doorway.

Alex gave a lopsided grin, "How can you say that? She's your mini me."

Jo stepped forward, "She may look like me, but she acts just like you. She worries so much about others." She began to stroke the small child's hair, "A kid gets a boo boo at school and she watches closely to make sure they are okay." Jo looked up at Alex, "She definitely gets that from you. She would share her last toy with a friend; just so incredibly selfless like her father. And she also can sleep through a grown man savagely banging on the door." Jo gave him a pointed look with a smile, "She definitely gets her ability to sleep anywhere and through anything from you."

He smirked at her, "Ha ha." They stood in awkward silence for a bit before he ventured, "Jo, I..."

"Shhh," she cut him off softly. She took his hand as she turned, "Let's talk in the living room. He followed her, his hand still in hers until she sat in the middle of the couch. He looked around for another seat, quickly realizing she didn't have any other options. She smiled up at him, "You can sit here. I won't bite."

He smiled self-consciously as he slowly lowered himself beside her. She angled herself to where she could see him better and folded her left leg underneath her body. He swallowed nervously, "Look Jo, I meant everything I said."

She nodded quickly, "I know. I know you mean it. That's what makes this so awful." She looked down at her hands that were folded in her lap, "I'm sorry, Alex. I..."

"You don't want me back," he offered, the resignation hanging heavily in his voice.

She looked up quickly, her eyes wide, "No! No, of course I do. How could I not?"

Alex rubbed his head in frustration, "Look Jo, I really need you to be straight with me and not just say things you think I wanna hear." He looked at her with wide eyes, "Can you do that?"

Jo nodded her head and looked at her fingers as she picked at her cuticles. The silence drug on as Alex studied her intently. He was about to offer to leave when her voice echoed clearly in the small room, "I'm battling two thoughts right now."

Alex looked at her cautiously, "Okay."

She glanced up at him and tucked her hair behind her left ear, "On one hand I want to promise you forever and hold onto you all night long."

Alex's eyes widened in surprise as he asked hesitantly, "And on the other?"

Jo looked back down, "I wanna run away as fast as I can."

Alex nodded slightly, "Do you know why?"

"I just...I really worry that...I'm wrong for you. You can do so much better, Alex. I mess stuff up, I..."

"Wait," he interjected as he held up a hand. "Let's just, for the sake of argument only," he paused and stared at her to make sure she understood, "pretend that I may could actually do better. Isn't that a choice I should have? That I should get to make for myself?"

"Alex, I just..."

"Cause I think it is," he said assertively as he pushed into his chest with his fingers. "I should be the one deciding that."

"Okay. But what if I don't want you to choose being with me?"

Alex shook his head and sighed, "Jo, you just said you want me."

"And I do," she placed a hand on his knee and turned more fully to him. "More than anything. But you don't know what you're getting into."

She dropped her head and wiped at her face. He gently pulled on her chin with his fingers to meet her tearful eyes, "Explain it to me."

"I'm not the girl you met five years ago. I'm not who you fell for, I'm not the person that gave birth to Jess."

"We all change, Jo."

"I've regressed so much Alex," she said quietly, her voice on the verge of breaking. "So much. You know that, you've had a front row seat." She gave a self-depreciating glance his way, "I just...I want you to know what you're getting into. When you say all these beautiful things and you want to be with me, you need to know that what you're coming to is different."

Alex nodded slowly, "Okay...Tell me how."

"What?"

"I wanna know how you've changed. Explain it to me."

She maintained eye contact with him as her eyes shone with unshed tears and her forehead creased, "I've regressed so far. I have nightmares. Uncontrollable, frightening night terrors. I wake up screaming and thrashing and covered in sweat all the time. When I'm not working and I don't have Jess, I stay in bed all day curled in a ball. I yell at residents. I've never yelled at residents. My interns hate me. I curse so much I could make a sailor blush. Webber's sent me home early twice, Hunt has sat me down to give me a formal warning."

Alex raised his eyebrows in disbelief and shock, "I haven't heard anything about this."

Jo nodded, "They've been really discreet about it. They're just doing their jobs."

"But..."

"It's another reason I wanted to stay here," she added softly. "They still offered me a great package for a fellowship knowing all the problems I've had this year. Somewhere else may not be so forgiving or understanding. Plus I feel like I owe it to them to prove that they were right not to kick me out on my ass."

Alex gave a dry laugh of disbelief, "Wait, how have I missed all this?"

Jo gave him a weird look, "I haven't been working a lot of peds cases lately. Besides it's not like I'm the first fifth year to be nasty to junior residents, I just took it too far a few times in private when I was pissed and stressed and upset. They reported it to Webber."

Alex shook his head, "Wait, I thought you were going to counseling."

Jo rolled her eyes, "I am, but you know that's not a magic fix. If anything I think it made some things worse."

Alex narrowed his eyes in thought, "Maybe you need a new therapist."

Jo shook her head violently, "No. This is what I need. I've never been allowed to deal with it. To really expose it all and let it heal the right way. I've just run from it my whole life."

"You don't need to tell me that," he said with a wry grin.

She laughed and rolled her eyes, "Like you've always been so great about dealing with your past head on."

Alex tilted his head to the side in agreement, "Touché."

"It's just...back east...when we got to look at those files? Seeing those reports, those pictures, those names, those signatures? It just put me right back in that place. I was right back being the teenage girl that no one would listen to. The foster kid no one believed in. The rape victim that no one consoled. The baby girl that no one ever wanted. And why would they?" She took a shuddering breath as her voice broke with her falling tears, "What about me is lovable at all? I am a wreck, Alex. You're better off without me."

"Jo," he reached down and softly took her hand that had been resting on his knee and intertwined their fingers, "You know I want to marry you, right?"

Her eyes flew open as her skin paled, "Christ Alex, now isn't..."

He rolled his eyes, "No hear me out, I've wanted to marry you for years. I've wanted to stand up in front of our friends and tell you that I promise to be there for better or for worse. When I tell you I want to marry you, even if you say no or you're not yet ready, I'm still saying that I'm willing to promise you that now. I'm here for the worse part just as much as I'm here for the good parts. That hasn't changed, Jo. I swear to you it hasn't changed."

Jo took a shuttering breath as she gazed at their hands, "Okay."

"And you are anything but unlovable. Maybe those people couldn't see it, but I do. And I love you, Jo. Even after all of it. And I always will." Alex leaned back against the couch and pulled her to lay back with him. She shifted down into the cushions and rested her head on his shoulder, their hands still clasped together. He gently kissed her forehead as they sat in a comfortable silence. After several minutes he began caressing her fingers with his free hand, "Do you remember our first big fight?"

She sat up and frowned, "About Jimmy?"

Alex nodded slowly, "Yeah. Why did you stay with me then?"

Jo furrowed her brows, "What are you talking about?"

"I..." He scratched the back of his head as he leaned forward, "I was terrible to you. I ignored you, didn't support you for your exam, yelled, cursed, broke glass...I was horrible to you. I've always wondered why you stayed."

Jo studied his face as she searched for the words, "Because you're...you. I knew you were having a hard time and that wasn't who you truly were. I knew that. I..." She looked up to see him smirking at her and furrowed her brows in agitation, "What?"

He gestured towards her, "That, right there, how you're feeling? Is how I'm feeling right now, but I can't put it into words."

Jo sat in stunned silence, "But..."

Alex smirked at her, "Don't even try, it's the same. If anything how I feel is worse cause we had just got together then but I have been in love with you for years now so if anything it's been harder for me."

He leaned back once more and eyed her as she sat on the edge of the couch, "But..."

He smiled gently, "Stop trying to find a way to argue."

She grinned shyly and readjusted to sit on her knees with her body facing him although her eyes remained downcast. After a while she looked up at him and begged softly, "I don't want to hurt you again, Alex. And I probably will. I know I did you horribly and put you through so much pain and I can't..."

"Shhhh. You're going to hurt me anyway if you decide you don't want try to make this work." He searched her eyes and tucked her errant hair behind her ear, "I'd rather be hurt while with you than be hurt and apart from you."

She stared down at her hands for a few moments before looking back at him with a barely noticeable smile. She took his hand and squeezed it while squeaking out, "Okay."

He nodded softly as he searched her eyes before the corners of his mouth began to turn up slightly, "Okay."

She smiled in relief before almost jumping at him to wrap him in a tight hug. His arms circled her slowly and roamed her back comfortingly as he felt her hot tears on his neck and shoulder. After several moments she turned her head slightly and kissed his neck as she whispered in his ear, "I love you so much, Alex."

He felt relief so great it almost suffocated him, "I love you too." He loosened his hold enough to kiss her cheek. She rearranged to slide off her knees and sat back on the couch with her legs draped over his as she continued to hug him. He angled himself to make them more comfortable and held her legs with his left hand as he continued to rub her back with his right. Her head stayed anchored in the crook of his neck as she continued to cry softly. After a while he noticed her breathing even out and her muscles relax. He pulled back to see her eyes closed in sleep. He effortlessly stood up and carried her in his arms to her bedroom, disturbed at how light she had become. He felt her stir and looked down as she grabbed a fistful of his shirt in her hand and whispered desperately, "Please don't leave."

He struggled to pull down her bedsheets while holding her and gently laid her down. He kissed her forehead softly, "Never. Now get some sleep."

He pulled at the linens to cover her, but was stopped by her hand on his arm. He looked into her eyes that were filled with insecurity, "Will you stay?"

He looked at her earnestly, "I'll be right back. Let me check to make sure we locked the door earlier. Your doorman lets just anyone come in here."

He winked at her and got a genuine smile in return. She burrowed herself into the pillow while maintaining eye contact, "I'm glad he does." They stared at each other for a long moment before Jo ran her hand up his arm, "Don't be too long."

He grinned and leaned forward to kiss her cheek, but she had a different idea and moved to capture his lips instead. He felt the greatest relief as she held his face with both hands. His back soon began to protest the awkward angle and he reluctantly ended the kiss to stand again, "I'll be right back." He smiled at her lazy grin and quickly walked back to the front door and secured the deadbolt. He walked straight back to Jo's room and felt his shoulders slump as she was already sound asleep in the same position he had left her in.

His lips turned up slightly in a wry grin as he quietly stepped over to the table beside her to make sure the baby monitor was on. He watched her sleep for a bit, her worry lines smoothed over somewhat and her breath coming out in soft relaxed puffs. He slipped quietly into the empty side of the bed and lay on his back awkwardly, feeling somewhat out of place. He looked over to Jo as she shifted into her side, facing him; her face still relaxed, almost smiling. He reached over and lightly grazed her arm with his knuckles and smiled softly at her as he felt sleep overcome him as well, "Goodnight, Jo."


	34. Chapter 34

**Author's Notes:** Hey guys, sorry to have been MIA for so long (I put a note at the end of this chapter about posting delays if anyone is interested). Again, I'm so sorry.

A few people asked about the timeline for events in this story and to be honest I don't really have one. They tend to just give me headaches and I always end up messing it up anyways :) But in my mind, Alex and Jo have been apart at most 3-4 months.

* * *

Alex startled awake and looked around sleepily trying to determine where he was. He heard a soft snore from Jo, whose nose was pressed into his upper back, her hand on his abdomen underneath the shirt he had on. He smiled and moved to place his hand over hers and interlaced their fingers. He took a deep breath and smiled at the memory of the night before. He was well aware they still had a lot to work through, but there was nothing better than waking up next to Jo and knowing they were well on their way to being together again.

He pulled their hands up to his face and kissed her palm. She immediately snuggled further into his back and kissed his shoulder blade. A soft sound from the baby monitor got his attention and he reluctantly slid from the bed. Jo protested with a moan and stretched, still asleep, "Alex?"

He moved the pillow he had slept on under her arm and brushed the hair out of her face as he kissed her temple, "Shhh, go back to sleep."

She smiled as she hugged the pillow tightly, "mmmmkay."

He grinned at her before giving a worried look about her exhaustion. He was ashamed he hadn't noticed how much she had been struggling the past few months and wanted nothing more than to take care of her for the rest of his life. He ran his hand along her silky hair once more before walking quietly to Jess' room. He smiled at the girl standing in her bed waiting for him and began to babble at her playfully. She hit the rails of her crib in excitement as he scooped her up and placed kisses on her cheeks. He quickly changed her diaper and took her to the kitchen looking for something for the two of them to eat. After he had fed Jess and cleaned her up, he put her down in the floor to play and pulled up a research article on his phone to read as he ate his own cereal.

He startled slightly as Jo's hands eased onto his shoulders and massaged him gently. He turned his head towards her as she snaked her arms around his neck and bent down to kiss his cheek. He reached up to run his hands along her arms, "Hey."

She nuzzled her nose in his cheek before lightly kissing him again, "I woke up and thought you had been a dream."

He closed his eyes briefly, "You seemed exhausted, I thought you should sleep so Jess and I got up early to eat."

He could sense her smile as she straightened up to walk over and kiss Jess on her way to the counter, "You could have woke me up." She looked back at him as she started to fix her cereal, "And not just this morning."

Alex shook his head, "You were out like a light, trust me. Did you sleep okay?"

She smiled coyly over her shoulder at him, "I always sleep perfectly with you."

He grinned as she walked back over to the table and sat down, "Me too." They sat in silence for a bit with Alex returning to his article. Jo stopped eating and started to mindlessly push her remaining Cheerios around in her milk. Alex watched for a moment before asking, "What's up?"

Jo startled and looked at him, "What did you say?"

Alex gave a half grin, "You're a million miles away. What's the matter?"

Jo shook her head quickly, "Nothing." Alex sighed and looked over at Jess. Jo's eyes narrowed, "Please don't do that."

Alex looked back at her with his eyebrows raised, "What?"

"You're already agitated with me. Just talk to me."

"I thought that's what I was trying to do," he pointed out gruffly.

"Alex...you have to trust me. If I tell you it's nothing, it's nothing." When he didn't respond, she rolled her eyes, "I was trying to decide if I should try to take these pants I just bought back to the store today or wait until the weekend. I swear that's all."

Alex rubbed his face, "I just...I don't care that it's nothing. If it's enough for you to turn into a zombie over...I just want you to talk to me. Okay?"

She looked at him lovingly, "Okay." She looked down at Jessalyn who had walked over and pulled herself up on Jo's leg. She picked the child up to place Jess on her lap and hugged her as they rocked. She looked back up at Alex and added quietly, "Just about everything makes me zone out these days. Just so you know."

He tilted his head in concern, "It happens often?"

Jo shook her head, "I can concentrate still, it just...takes more effort. But I can. But if I'm relaxed or tired here at home...it just..."

Alex nodded slowly, "So when should I be worried?"

Jo looked up at this and smiled softly, "You're going to worry regardless of what I say."

Alex grinned and leaned forward to wipe Jess' nose with a napkin, "Of course I am."

She bit her lip as she watched him interact with Jess for a bit, "Alex, you know us...even though I'm glad we're..." She motioned frantically between them, "That this is..."

He hiked his eyebrows at her distress, "That we made up?"

She snapped her fingers and pointed at him, "Exactly. Even though it's what I want and I'm so happy about it...It's not..." She searched for the word as she put Jess back down on the floor for her to scamper off to her toys, "It's not going to magically make me better...or I guess fix me so to speak."

He tilted his head and sighed, "I get that, Jo. I told you, I'm here for the mess. Show me what you've got, I'm not running off scared, alright?"

She nodded with a hint of a smile, "Alright."

"Besides, it would freak me out if you just magically got over any of this crap. I'm no expert, but I know that wouldn't be right."

Her smile grew a little larger, "Thanks."

He studied her for a bit, "I mean it. Don't hold back with me especially if it's just because you're scared I'll run. I'm not leaving you Jo so just be yourself."

"Okay." She held his gaze for a bit before standing to discard her dishes, "What do you have planned for today?"

He watched her with a slight grin on his face, "I've got a meeting later this morning and then I have some post ops to check in on at the hospital. You?"

"I'm just on-call. I was going to see if I could see Melanie. I think maybe I should talk to her about all of this."

Alex nodded, "She's the therapist you're seeing?" At Jo's nod he bit his lip, "I think that's a good idea. I don't want us to mess up and go too fast or anything." At Jo's distressed look, he added hastily, "Not that I don't want to just jump back into things with you...I just..." He exhaled sharply, "I just wanna do it right."

She smiled as she sat back down and took his hand, "Me too." She searched his eyes as he looked at her sorrowfully, "What?"

"I just...I didn't know you had struggled so much, you know."

Jo looked at him sadly, "You thought it was easy for me?"

Alex glanced away, "No." He sighed before looking back, "Maybe. You just seemed to have it together better than I did. I don't know, it just seemed like you were okay."

She gave a soft smile and tilted her head, "How could I ever be okay without you?" She shrugged her shoulders, "I've gotten pretty good at faking over the years I guess. I mean when nobody cares about your feelings anyway you don't have much choice. You either wallow in self-pity alone or you suck it up and move on. And I've always been a suck it up and keep going type." At his nod of understanding, she took his hand once more, "Especially around you. I didn't want you to see me like that you know? I didn't want you to worry."

He gave a dry laugh, "Like you said I'm always going to worry about you. No matter what." When she glanced away with a shy smile, he grinned and leaned forward, "How about I take Jess with me and drop her off at daycare? That way if you do get called in you don't have to worry about getting her there and if you don't have to go in we can spend the afternoon talking through things some more."

Jo raised her eyebrows and smiled impishly, "Just talking?"

Alex felt heat rush to his cheeks, "Well we can do whatever you want to."

Jo smiled brightly, "We'll figure it out. I'll go get JK ready."

She stood and bent down to kiss his cheek and he immediately turned to kiss her properly. He smiled into the kiss as he felt her hands cup the back of his head and her fingers run through his short hair, gently massaging his scalp. He placed his hands on her hips and guided her to sit in his lap and then ran his hand along her back. "Alex," she murmured between kisses. He couldn't respond and only hummed an acknowledgement. "Alex, you have to go to work."

"Screw it," he mumbled as he met her lips again.

Jo giggled and pulled back, "Yes, let's forget all about the sick children."

He rolled his eyes, "Party pooper."

She gave him a dazzling smile before leaning forward to kiss him deeply with her hand slowly running along his toned chest. "Let me get her ready," she murmured softly against his lips before she quickly walked out of the room.

* * *

**Additional Author's Notes:**

Hey guys, thank you all so much for your patience and encouragement between updates. I know it's been a awful long time since an update &amp; I'm truly sorry for that. Since I've updated, I've lost two uncles, I got wrapped up in a situation with a neighbor who was being exploited by her grandson, and my dad has had three invasive heart procedures with a poor prognosis. And I'm still working two jobs and other stuff that's just honestly too much to type.

I say all that to say that with all of these things going on, writing this particular story is extra hard. Having worked with kids who have been through similar experiences in real life, I feel I owe it to them to make Jo (and by a lesser extent Alex) as realistic as possible. It has been exhausting to say the least and very emotional to write. And a lot of days especially lately with everything else going on I just don't have the energy or emotional/mental strength to work on this story. I hope you understand.

That does not mean that I will not finish it. I was burned too many times as a FF reader to ever do that as a FF writer. It just may take me longer to get it done.

I do write for fuckyeahalexjo on tumblr if you haven't looked at that and would be interested. It is a lot of times easier to escape into writing light and fluffy short stories on days that I am emotionally wrecked.

Sorry to be such a downer, but I felt that after almost two whole months of silence I owed you guys an explanation because you have all been so kind, supportive, and encouraging throughout this whole process &amp; I'm incredibly grateful for each and every one of you.


	35. Chapter 35

Author's Notes: Thank you all for your sweet words of encouragement! On rough days I go back and read some of your messages and they bring a smile to my face. Thank you all, you guys are the best!

Special thanks to xsweetgirlx91 for helping me work through some issues in this chapter when I physically couldn't look at it anymore myself :)

* * *

Alex was punching away at his tablet as quickly as he could. He was on edge after the meetings with the partners ran long. Almost two hours about a new logo and debating if pastels would be better or primary colors; then they had moved on to weighing to pros and cons of adding a drinking fountain to the waiting room. He wanted to scream. Then after he got to the hospital, one of his patients had spiked a fever which delayed him further. He sighed and concentrated on his task. A few more orders in the system and he could be on his way back to Jo.

"Thank God you're alive."

Alex looked up to see Cristina leaning on the counter next to him munching on an apple. He gave a short laugh, "Good morning to you too."

She narrowed her eyes, "Do you just not answer your phone now? I was starting to think you had jumped off a bridge somewhere."

"Har, har," he gave with a hint of a smile, still focused on the tablet in his hands.

"Wait, you're smiling." She turned as Meredith walked up, "Why is he smiling?"

He looked up to meet her eyes, "Because I decided to take your crappy advice last night." He shrugged, "It kinda worked."

Cristina gave a slow nod as her eyes widened knowingly, "Oh so you got laid."

He narrowed his eyes in agitation and looked back at his tablet, "No." When nothing was said he looked back up to the two women who had matching looks of expectation, "You know there's more to relationships than sex."

Cristina's face dropped, "I feel like I don't know you anymore."

Alex turned to watch her go as Meredith creeped closer to him, "So things are looking up with Wilson?"

Alex gave a genuine smile that he quickly tried to contain as he finished his tasks on the tablet and placed it on the charger, "Yeah. I think we're going to be okay."

Meredith gave a skeptical look, "After one night?"

He shrugged, "Yeah. Why not?"

Meredith looked down at her fingers, "Do you think maybe you're letting her off the hook too easily?" She looked up to meet his eyes, "I mean you were broken up. Just...take it slow. What's the harm in that?"

Alex flexed his jaw, "What hook? She's not a kid that I grounded for staying out too late. And we're not going fast. Didn't you just hear what I said? We talked last night, went to sleep, and then talked some more this morning. That's all. If she needs time, I'll give her however long she needs. But I'm not gonna go out and bang some meaningless chick while I wait. I'm committed to Jo and she wants to be with me. What else matters?"

"I didn't say anything about seeing other people. It just seems so sudden. Yesterday you were sitting in the rain like a shell of yourself and today you won't stop smiling. I just don't want you to get hurt again. That's all."

He looked at her sincerely, "Thanks." He turned to leave with her right on his heels, "We'll be okay. We're not stupid. And it's more than just us you know. It's Jess too and we're always thinking of her. And Jo's in therapy and it seems to have helped a lot." He stopped and turned back with his hands on his hips, "I don't know why I'm talking to you about this. We're gonna be fine."

Meredith gave a look of confusion, "But how do you know?"

Alex gritted his teeth as he glanced down the hallway, "I just do." He looked back at her, "Look, Jo...I told you she's been going through stuff and it's messed with her head. But she's working through it and I wanna help her."

Meredith gave a sympathetic look, "You can do that as her friend, Alex."

He gave a heartbroken look, "I don't want to just be her friend."

"I know," she answered softly. She pulled him into a hug, "I just worry about you."

"I know…it's kind of annoying," he said as he reached around her. "But I'll be fine. All three of us will be." He pulled away slightly to look at her, "You'll see."

At her small nod, he quickly walked out of the hospital to his car and started the drive towards Jo's apartment. The closer he got to her, the more his anxiety grew. What if Meredith was right and they couldn't work through their issues? What if the therapist had said something to make Jo reconsider? What if they had changed too much in their time apart? What if he still wasn't enough for her?

He parked the car outside her building and readjusted in the seat, his mind spinning in a dozen different directions. He took a deep breath and tilted his head back on the headrest, trying to calm himself. He got agitated at himself for allowing himself to get so wrapped up in Jo that she had this much power over him. But then he thought of how good it felt to be with her this morning. How much he loved watching their daughter play in the floor. How good it was to have them both hug themselves to him. He smiled slightly and hesitantly exited the car. He felt his steps slow as he entered her building, his fear growing with each step. He wasn't sure if he could survive another break with her; another conversation where she walked out the door. His mouth felt dry and his heart felt as if it would beat out of his chest. When he reached her door he straightened his shoulders and exhaled violently. He then reached up, hesitating slightly before knocking reservedly. He heard Jo call out "come in" and furrowed his brows as he turned the knob and pushed the door open. She was standing next to a pile of laundry scattered on the couch with Jessalyn's Seattle Zoo shirt in her hands. She grinned at him as she folded the garment, "There you are. I was starting to wonder what happened to you."

He turned to secure the door, "You don't lock the door anymore?"

She smiled softly, "I saw you pull in when I went down to check my mailbox. I knew you'd be right behind me, or so I thought." She eyed him carefully as she added the shirt to the stack of folded clothes on the coffee table, "You okay?"

He nodded self-consciously, "Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"

She walked over and wrapped her arms around his waist, "Stop being awkward around me." She slowly leaned up to kiss him softly, "Just relax."

He pulled back and looked at her before stating in a low voice, "I'm trying."

She kept her arms around him but pulled back further to meet his eyes, "What can I do to make it better?"

His breath caught at her choice of words as he felt his anxiety slowly melting away, "You're doing it."

She bit her lip softly and reached up to place a hand on his cheek. She met his eyes and shook her head slightly, "I'm scared too you know."

He searched her eyes and allowed his guard to slip further, "Yeah?" She nodded and mouthed 'yeah' although no sound came out. He pulled her closely again and met her lips in a hesitant kiss. When he felt her respond, his hand roamed further up her back and he deepened the kiss, putting everything he could into it and wishing he never had to stop. He began to slow down, not wanting to overwhelm her, and placed soft, feathery kisses on her lips. He slowly pulled away from her, but kept his hands on her hips and watched as she tried to catch her breath. He smirked slightly, "So how was your day?"

She gave a silent laugh and mumbled 'tease' as she walked back over to fold more of the clothing, "It was fine."

Alex narrowed his eyes in confusion, "So were you able to see the therapist?"

She nodded as she put a stack of towels on the coffee table, "Yeah."

He looked at her expectantly as he took a step small towards her, "And?"

Jo looked back at him and smiled widely, "We have a full on green light. I believe her exact words were 'what took you so long?' She was almost as excited as I was and wanted to know why I was in her office and not spending my day with you if you can believe that." Jo laughed slightly to herself and raised an eyebrow as she looked back to Alex, "She actually winked as she told me to enjoy the rest of my day. So yeah, I think she's totally on board with this."

Alex gave her a longing stare and when their eyes met he noticed a slight shiver that ran through her as her breath caught. He nodded once with his hands on his hips, "Well alright then." He then quickly walked to her, his eyes never losing contact with hers. He scooped her up in his arms and kissed her like his life depended on it. She moaned and then squealed as his hands moved onto her bottom to pull her up further and her legs instinctively wrapped around him. He walked quickly across the apartment to her room with her laughing merrily as she hugged him tightly and nuzzled his neck.

* * *

Alex slowly awoke to Jo's light kisses on his back as he lay exhausted on his abdomen. The left side of his lips curled slightly as his eyes remained closed, "Are you trying to kill me?"

Jo giggled and moved up to nuzzle his ear, "I can't help myself."

Alex turned his head to look at her with a grin, "I thought you were tired."

She smiled brightly, "What can I say, you reinvigorate me. I can never get enough of you."

He watched as she kissed his shoulder softly and smiled teasingly at her, "You're the one who dumped me remember?"

Her eyes flew open and quickly met his, relaxing as she realized he was teasing, "Ugh don't remind me. I'm sorry I woke you, I have just missed you so much that I can't keep my hands off of you."

She quickly met his lips in a sweet kiss. He opened his eyes marginally as she leaned back slowly, "Can we talk about that?"

She curled her right arm underneath her head, "Me missing you?" She took his hand into hers and rubbed his knuckles with her thumb, "I missed everything. Being able to stare at you without worrying about getting caught staring at you, being able to touch you without a reason, being able to be so close to you I can hear you breathe..." She looked up to meet his eyes and gave a slight grin, "I even missed your morning breath."

Alex gave a lopsided smile as he readjusted to lay on his side facing her, "Ha, ha."

Jo giggled softly and intertwined their fingers, "And your hands. You have the sexiest hands ever. I get hypnotized whenever you're punching away on a tablet at work. And knowing what all you can do with these?" She gave him a flirty look before looking down at her hand in his, "I really missed being able to hold your hand."

Alex felt his heart in his throat, "That's uh...not really what I was wanting to talk about. Why..." He glanced up and met her questioning eyes, "I need to understand what I did that made you think... I need to know why you broke up with me. What made you decide to do it?"

She nodded and bit her lip as she looked back down at their joined hands, "I...It felt like you were pulling away. Like you didn't want me anymore, like I was keeping you from being happy. I don't know, it just felt like you were done. And I knew you wouldn't end us so I decided to do it for you." She slowly looked up to meet his eyes and held his gaze, "I never stopped loving you, Alex. I hope you know that. I did what I did because I wanted you to be happy and I didn't think I was making you happy anymore. I didn't want it to get to a point that you despised my existence or hated the thought of me and that's where it felt like we were headed. I just...you told me before that you never really broke up with anyone on your own, that you either didn't take them back after they hurt you or you pushed them away until they left on their own and I just thought...I thought that's what you were doing with me and I didn't...I don't ever want you to settle...for anything. You deserve to be happy more than anyone I've ever known and if me letting you go would make you happy then that's what I wanted to do for you."

Alex blinked a few times in surprise, "You thought I was done?"

Jo nodded and looked down, "That's what it felt like. You pushing me so hard, yelling that I was crazy, not kissing me anymore, not noticing that you hadn't kissed me...even when I would say things like 'what would I do without you' you would pull away. I didn't know how else to take that other than you didn't want me anymore. And then you acting dismissive after we slept together, it just reaffirmed those feelings to me."

Alex pushed her hair gently behind her ear with the tips of his fingers, "I'm sorry, that's not...it was never about not wanting you, I just didn't know how to deal with you and what was going on. I felt like I was in...I don't know...it was impossible. Or it felt that way. No matter what I did it seemed wrong. And the other morning was just me not wanting to hear you say you regretted sleeping with me."

Jo met his eyes intently, "I could never regret being with you."

He gave a sad smile, "Me neither."

"I don't know. I think looking back at it you really didn't do anything out of the ordinary." She glanced up to give him a teasing look, "I mean you are kind of an ass sometimes."

Alex grinned and rolled his eyes, "Thanks."

Jo smiled brightly, "It makes you who you are and I love who you are. I just...I should have told you I was hurting. That those things I usually love were tearing me apart inside and maybe you seem miserable all the time and I just don't notice."

He placed a hand on her waist and met her eyes to make sure she was listening, "I have never been miserable when I'm with you. Not one second, ever." He watched as her eyes dropped to the mattress. He dipped his head to kiss her softly, "I mean that."

She nodded her head jerkily and looked up with tears in her eyes, "I should have listened when you brought up the counseling."

"And I shouldn't have acted so frustrated when you asked if we should go together. We can play this game all day, Jo. Let's just chalk it up to we're both idiots."

She laughed as she rolled onto her back to stretch before turning her head back to face him, "Just promise it's not going to happen again." She looked at him deeply with fear in her eyes, "Please, promise me that."

Alex rolled over to prop himself up on his arms over her. He looked down at her face full of uncertainty, "We can promise to try everything we can. I don't know about you, but I'm going to be working damn hard on this cause I don't ever want to go through that pain again."

Jo bit her bottom lip and nodded, "Me too. I need you."

"You have me." He leaned down and kissed her lips softly, "Always."

She smiled up at him and ran her hands up his arms, "Can we just stay this way forever? You and me?"

He smiled and raised his eyebrows at her, "I think Jessalyn might have an objection to that."

She smiled and smacked his arm lightly, "You know what I mean. This glow we have going on now will fade. I just...I don't want it to."

Alex gave a serious look, "I kinda like the boring, normal days. You know, just being comfortable with each other and doing normal stuff. But I don't think I'll be taking that for granted for a long while." His lips curled slightly as she nodded her head and ran her hand along his arm. He looked into her eyes deeply, "I still can't believe you did all this for me. Getting a new place, figuring out furniture and other stuff and all the rest of it...I've never had anyone sacrifice like that for me before."

She looked at him sadly, "I can't believe you didn't give up on me. I've never had anyone fight for me like this before." She reached up and cupped his cheek while running her fingertips along his hair, "I love you, Alex."

He got lost in her eyes briefly before he closed the gap between them, "I'm pretty crazy for you myself." He met her lips sweetly, slowly intensifying the kiss while his hand explored her side and slowly moved to her chest.

She moaned into his kisses and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer. When he moved to start kissing her neck she placed her hands on the back of his head to urge him on. "One more round of make-up sex before getting Jess?" she asked breathlessly.

Alex nodded and moved to her collarbone, "At least one."

She whimpered slightly, "Then go eat somewhere before going back home?"

Alex felt his heart skip a beat. He raised up from her chest to gaze at her, "You wanna come back home?"

Jo looked away quickly, "If it's too soon I don't have to." She caressed his upper arm and turned to look at him, "I mean I can stay here longer. We can date or whatever. Take it as slow as you need to. Whatever you want to do."

Alex shook his head while maintaining eye contact, "No, no I want you to come home. I just wasn't sure..."

"Oh thank God, cause I already took a load of things over there today." She giggled softly, "That could have been _awkward_."

Alex broke out into a huge grin and said with awe, "You're coming back."

She smiled brightly and quickly brought him back down to her lips for a deep kiss, both quickly getting lost in each other again.


	36. Chapter 36

**Author's Note:** Hello all, I know I sound like a broken record, but I am so sorry for the delays in updates. This story has been extremely hard to write and emotionally draining and unfortunately I tried to tackle it at a time when personal circumstances just weren't right to delve into something so deep. Again, I'm sorry for making you all wait.

I do have most of the rest finished with just a few spots to polish up before posting. I plan to have it all done before Grey's returns from winter hiatus.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing related to Grey's Anatomy. Honestly most days I'm just thankful my car hasn't been repossessed.

* * *

Alex sat in a makeshift waiting area in the busy police station next to Jo. He watched her anxiously, taking in every movement of hers as clues to the turmoil within, "How long have we been here?"

Alex dutifully looked at his watch to pacify her even though she had not taken her eyes off the wall clock since they sat down, "Fifteen minutes."

She nodded an acknowledgement, "Okay." He took her hand into hers and gave it a quick squeeze. She turned and smiled slightly, mouthing 'thank you' before she turned back to watch the clock.

It had been eight months since they had reunited and it had been bumpy to say the least. Jo had fought off nightmares almost nightly for several months and even though they had lessened in frequency, they were still horrifyingly intense. She would often wake from a deep sleep screaming and thrashing wildly. She was also still irritable a great deal and frequently snapped at him. Alex would often take walks around the neighborhood to give them both space to cool off. And he would be the first to admit, sometimes he was tempted to keep walking. But through it all, he still loved her and couldn't imagine his life without her, their time apart always in the forefront of his mind. He was determined not to go through that hell again.

She had been making great strides in therapy that had all come to a screeching halt last month when Evelyn had contacted her to gush that she had finally found the letters Jo's mother had sent to her so many years ago. Jo went into a tailspin, regressing sharply, which was exasperated a few days later when copies of all the letters arrived in the mail. Jo had called Steph to keep Jess so she and Alex could go through the papers without interruptions and to shield the young girl from any potential outbursts.

And there were many. They stayed up through most of the night reading about Lisa Taylor's future hopes, current adventures, and past regrets. Jo became frustrated by the lack of detail that she had hoped for, especially related to Lisa's childhood and Jo's birth father, but was excited to have the name of the man Lisa had left Baltimore with: Rick Englebrecht. Jo was ecstatic with new hope and quickly pulled up the Internet to search for him and her mother using the new name, just to be pulled further into a gaping darkness.

It had taken all of two seconds to discover her mother had been murdered.

Even now, a few weeks later, Alex felt numb. Watching Jo's anguish and pain was horrible. He didn't know what to do or say as Jo became increasingly despondent. They had increased their sessions with the therapist, both together and separate. Alex had also found a support group nearby for former foster youth and although Jo had refused, stating she was in no place to listen to others cry over their pasts, he had made it to several sessions alone. The group allowed him to not only focus on Jo's mindset, but to also have another outlet to exorcise his demons as well.

Although Jo had really struggled to keep it all together, somehow everything that happened had just made her a more incredible partner and mother. Alex marveled at how each setback just reignited a desire in her to make sure Jess had an exceptional childhood. He couldn't help but feel extremely proud of Jess and the job he and Jo had done together in raising her. Jo was truly the exceptional mother he always knew she would be. It seemed no matter what was going on, Jess' presence brought out a certain spark in Jo and always seemed to calm her. And since they had booked plane tickets to Tennessee, Jo had seemed lighter. She was back to displaying affection for him at random times and had started to laugh again. He hoped with everything he had that this trip would give her the closure she desperately needed.

A short, slightly overweight man opened the door to their right, disrupting Alex's thoughts, "Ms. Wilson?"

Jo stood slowly as the man walked over with a slight limp to shake her hand, "Detective Anderson?"

"Yes," he took her hand and paused briefly. "I'm so sorry to meet you like this."

Jo nodded and quickly looked towards Alex, "This is my...uh my boyfriend, Alex Karev."

The detective held out his hand to Alex, "Pleasure to meet you, sir." He looked over to the secretary, "Gertrude, please hold my calls." When she nodded he looked back at Jo, "This way."

He led them through a maze of cubicles before walking into the messiest one Alex had seen. There were memos hastily tacked to all areas surrounding his work station that was littered with stray papers and yellow post it notes. There were three half empty mugs of coffee on the table top with two large jars of an assortment of candy. The detective caught Alex's eye, "We have people faint a lot around here with blood sugar drops. Can't be too sure." Alex politely grinned as he wondered if the man was referring to himself. Alex looked over at Jo, who was silencing her cell phone and sat down hastily next to her in the free chair.

Detective Anderson rubbed his suspenders as he sat down and coughed slightly, "Now, what can I help you with Ms. Wilson?"

Jo fingered her watch and answered without looking up, "Like I said on the phone, I was hoping you can fill in the details about the murder of my birth mother, Lisa Taylor."

The detective nodded and leaned forward onto his desk, "How much do you already know?"

"The articles I found online were confusing. There was something I read about a robbery then another one about domestic violence. I didn't find anything about a trial though."

The detective looked out the window, "We initially thought it was a robbery gone wrong with a hasty dumping of her body since her credit cards and IDs were missing and she had no cash on her. After we discovered her identity it became clear her husband had done it and staged everything to look like a robbery." He glanced back at Jo, "He was found guilty and is in prison. If you'd like, we can add you to be notified when he has his next parole hearing."

Jo nodded quickly, "Yes, please. I would like that." She pursed her lips, "Did she...suffer in any way?"

The detective glanced at Alex quickly, "It was a case of domestic violence that...resulted in death. We believe she was beaten to death over the course of a few hours."

Jo looked down quickly before mumbling, "Well turns out I do get something from her after all."

The detective looked over to stare at Alex, "What do you mean by that, ma'am?"

Jo glanced up quickly at the detective's tone, "Oh no, not him." She gave a nervous laugh and motioned with her hands, "Alex is the first person I've ever been with that hasn't laid a hand on me."

The detective gave a hint of a smile to Alex in apology before turning back to Jo, "When you grow up with instability, it's easy to seek out others that don't see your worth."

Alex's eyes bulged as he glanced to Jo, who was glaring at the detective, "Don't act like you know anything about what I've been through. You don't know anything about me."

The detective's eyes widened at her cold tone, "I'm sorry ma'am, I didn't mean to be insensitive. I just meant to say that we knew about you and we were told of..." He looked between Alex and Jo nervously, "Your struggles as a child."

Jo sat up straighter, "Why would you be told that?"

"Actually when your mother was first found we did news stories, put up flyers, had mass searches with volunteers...dogs, the whole nine."

Alex shook his head, "I'm sorry, I'm confused. Why would you do that if you had already found her mother?"

The detective met Jo's eyes, "Because she had pictures in her purse that were found with her of what we now know to be you. We had to assume before we learned of her identity that her children were missing too."

Alex narrowed his eyes and sensed Jo stiffen beside him, "Children? As in not one?"

"We thought that at the time because of the pictures." He pushed his chair back to open his top drawer, "Now I can't give you the originals because they were entered as evidence, but I took the liberty of making copies for you."

He held out a Manila envelope to Jo, who took it with a shaky hand. She nervously opened the clasp and pulled out the photos. She gave a gasp as she turned them over. She looked up at the detective, "These are me?"

He gave a solemn nod, "The baby picture was in a plastic frame in her purse, the one of you with her was in her wallet. Due to the age difference, we believed it was two children."

Jo nodded as Alex looked on and wished he had moved his chair closer to hers when they walked in. He leaned over the arm of the chair and craned his neck to see. If he had not known better, he would have sworn the older picture was Jessalyn. Jo was wrapped in a standard hospital blanket and looked to be laying on a scale. In the second, Jo seemed to be rubbing noses with who he assumed to be her mother, each of them sporting matching wide grins. He glanced up at her worriedly and saw her chin trembling, "Jo?"

"She's beautiful," Jo whispered with wonder. She then shook her head and sniffled, "She kept it. The whole time." Jo paused and fingered the edge of the photograph with one hand as she swiped at her cheek with the other, "She held on to it all those years." The detective handed a tissue box to Alex, who held it just inside Jo's peripheral vision. She grabbed a tissue and dabbed her eyes, "Thank you." She looked up to meet the detective's worried gaze, "This," she studied the pictures in her hand once more, "I could never...thank you."

The detective readjusted in his seat, seemingly uncomfortable, "It took us a while to figure out her identity, but when we did and questioned the husband, he set us straight real fast that there were no children with her since getting pinned for one murder was enough. He gave us the contact information for the social service agency up north that confirmed the pictures were you and that you were safe. The caseworker we spoke to filled us in a little bit about you and about your mother's case."

Jo nodded once, her gaze still focused on the photographs in her lap, "So...she didn't have any more children?"

"Not that we know of ma'am, no."

"And he killed her because...?"

Alex glanced down when he felt Jo's hand on his and quickly intertwined their fingers. He watched her carefully as the detective answered, "We believe she was about to leave him. She had told some coworkers about the abuse and that she wanted to go back north to escape. A couple of coworkers had given her money to help her get out of town so when she didn't show for work without a call, it didn't set off any alarms with them. Mr. Englebrecht never admitted to anything, but our best guess is he came home early and caught her preparing to leave. They fought and she..."

Jo nodded at the silence, "Okay."

The detective leaned onto the desk, "If there's anything you ever need or any questions you may have, please call me. Your mother's case really haunted me for a long time. She...from what we could tell she was a decent person that just got dealt a horrible hand in this life. I...I really wish we could have done more."

Jo nodded once and grabbed Alex's hand tighter, "Do you know what happened with her...with her body."

Alex felt his heart sink at her words. He rubbed his thumb across her hand and looked back at the detective, who was nodding, "Some of her coworkers and the police department here...we got together and had a service for her. She's at rest in Pine Ridge Cemetery just outside of town. They donated a plot for her. I can give you directions."

Jo nodded quickly, her hand shaking somewhat, "Yes please."

The detective wrote out instructions and drew a map as best he could. He then walked Alex and Jo back up to the entrance and wished them well once more. Alex wrapped an arm around Jo's shoulders and rubbed her upper arm to ward off a chill as they crossed the parking lot. She turned into his side somewhat, still sniffling softly and holding onto the manila envelope for dear life. He leaned down to kiss her hair, "Did you wanna drive?"

The question made Jo laugh slightly, "Are you serious? You want me to drive like this?"

Alex smiled slightly and opened the passenger door for her, "Just a thought."

Jo sat in the truck, but didn't move her legs inside. She set the envelope on the seat behind her and swallowed nervously a couple of times as Alex remained still and waited for what she wanted to say. She suddenly looked up to meet his eyes, "Thank you...for all of this…and for putting up with me today."

He gave a lopsided hint of a smile before bending over to softly kiss her cheek that was still salty from her tears, "I'll put up with you any and every day that you let me."

She reached up and placed her hands on his shoulders, "You're a saint for dealing with me...and all of this. I'm so sorry, Alex."

He leaned forward and placed a kiss on her forehead, "I told you, I'm here for the good and the bad. This is just the worse side of the coin. That's all." He pulled back to meet her eyes, "You would do the same for me and you have already so many times. We're a team."

Jo's eyes fluttered closed as she smiled slightly and repeated, "We're a team." She looked back up to meet his eyes, "Are you okay with going to that cemetery before we leave?"

Alex rolled his eyes, "Of course I am. You just tell me where to drive."

"Can we...can we do it tomorrow? I'm exhausted from this and the flight and I just want to sleep." When her stomach growled loudly she looked down and laughed, "And eat apparently."

Alex chuckled and ran his hands down her thighs to her knees, "Just tell me where to go."

Jo slid over so he could shut the door and Alex then walked over to the driver's side. When he had the rental cranked and the heat adjusted, he turned to look out the back window and was surprised to see Jo staring out her window blankly, tears rolling down her cheek, "Jo?"

She sniffled once and pulled her jacket around her body tighter. When she finally spoke, her voice was laced with defeat and reluctant acceptance, each word dropping like stones into water, "She's really gone."


	37. Chapter 37

**Author's Notes:** Thank all of you for the sweet support. I'm amazed constantly that you all continue to bear with me in telling this story especially after all the delays and gaps in posting. I appreciate it more than I can say.

A couple of people commented about Jo's emotional state during the past eight months. I meant for her to be struggling, but overall doing okay. Just moments of irritability and frustration and sadness, that was exacerbated by her receiving her mother's letters. Sorry that wasn't really clear, I may go back and try to edit some of that later

Again thank you all for your support, I could not have made it through this story without you guys!

* * *

Alex shifted in his seat and rubbed his eyes, trying to stay awake and alert while driving on the unfamiliar roads. He glanced over to check on Jo, who was watching the small town pass by without actually seeing anything. She hadn't said a word since they left the diner and had barely spoken over breakfast. He turned back to watch what he was doing in the remote town and looked at the detective's notes once more.

Truthfully, he was exhausted. After meeting with the detective, Alex had driven them back to the hotel. Jo had decided to take a shower and since she was still in an almost trance, he paced outside the door the entire time, listening for any clue something might be wrong. After she was done they face timed Jess and Arizona, which seemed to lift Jo's spirits a good bit. She later found "Cheers" on television and seemed to escape into the shenanigans, laughing out loud at times at the one liners. When he felt comfortable to do so, Alex ran out and picked them up some takeout and was ecstatic when Jo actually ate most of her dinner.

However, he still hadn't been able to sleep from worrying about her. She had tossed and turned most of the night, but remarkably for some unknown reason, the nightmares didn't come. Alex had watched her, his mind shooting off in a hundred directions about what everything they had learned meant and where they would go from here. But the main thing that kept him from sleeping was the nagging realization that Lisa Taylor's story could have easily been Jo's as well. That at any point, Jo's life could have taken a different turn that would have set her on a completely alternate path and away from him. He had always felt it was a miracle they had found each other, but never more so than he did last night as she tightly clung to him in her sleep.

Alex turned into the old cemetery drove along the worn ruts in the grass up a hill to the more recent burials. He saw the flagpole the detective had described and parked the truck, killing the engine. He sat back and looked at Jo, who was picking at her cuticles and biting her bottom lip. He bowed his head not wanting to push her in any way. After several moments passed, she gave a shallow sigh before quietly speaking, "I think I need to do this alone."

He felt disappointed, but knew to respect her wishes. He nodded and glanced at her, "Okay."

She picked up the silk flowers they had purchased that morning and raised her hand to the door handle. She hesitated briefly before opening the door and exiting unsteadily. Alex watched worriedly as she rounded the front of the truck in a daze. His eyes followed her as she slowly walked the row, looking at each marker. She then looked back at the flag pole and wandered to another row to study those grave sites before looking back at the truck desperately, her voice full of anguish, "Alex?"

His heart ached at the tone she used, but stepped out hesitantly and tried to act nonchalant, "Yeah?"

"I can't find her," Jo explained as she frantically looked around. "She's not here."

Alex could hear the pain and desperation in her voice as he walked quickly to her, "Shhhh." He took her hand and placed his forehead on hers, his other hand cupping her cheek in an effort to calm her, "The detective said he had not been here in years, right?" At her nod he continued, "Maybe his memory is a little off. He seemed to have a screw or two loose to me." At her small smile he straightened up, "We'll find her if it takes us the rest of the day."

"But our flight...," she weakly argued.

"Screw it." He shrugged, "It will be worth it."

She smiled and mouthed 'thank you' as he nodded and turned to look at the grave sites surrounding them. He let go of her hand and turned back to where the detective had indicated, noticing an empty plot. As Jo wandered downhill from him he knelt down to dig slightly in the ground. It didn't take long before his fingertips brushed against a smooth surface. He jerked the grass back violently, dirt flying into his eyes. He pulled enough back to see the inscription:

Lisa Taylor

1970-1999

He looked up at Jo's back regretfully, "Jo?"

She turned quickly and hurriedly rushed to him, "You found her?" She paused when she saw the grass pulled back and Alex cursed himself for not uncovering the entire marker first. Jo let out a defeated snort, "It had been overtaken by weeds?"

Before Alex could respond, Jo had knelt down and began furiously pulling at the grass, her body shaking with repressed emotions. He watched as she desperately clawed at the ground, crying out repeatedly in pain as her fingers scraped against the surface. He hesitantly reached out for her shoulders, "Jo?"

She quickly stood without looking at him and stomped to the truck. Alex watched after her worriedly as she grabbed her half full bottle of water off the seat before pulling out their suitcase and rummaging through the contents. She picked out the shirt she had slept in the night before and walked determinedly back to the grave site. She fell to her knees on the ground and leaned back over the marker, pouring water over the inscription and scrubbing furiously with her shirt.

Her sobs bubbled up as she continued to push the dirt back in a futile effort. Alex let her be for a while until he could tell she was exhausting herself with the exercise. He raised up to his knees and gently tried to take the shirt from her, "Here, let me."

Jo fell back to sit on the ground and tossed the shirt back towards the truck. She pulled her knees up to her chest and covered her face with her hands, dirt smearing her features. She slowly rocked, her sobs echoing throughout the otherwise quiet cemetery. He turned to fully face her and slowly inched towards her, his torso aligned with her knees. He watched her carefully, feeling helpless, as she rocked. When she finally looked up, her gaze settled on something off in the distance and her voice cut sharply through the air, "You know that John Lennon song 'Mother'?" At Alex's blank look, she elaborated, "I used to have it on a cassette tape that I had found somewhere. It was a song to his parents that had abandoned him. I would sing it all the time at the top of my lungs because the lyrics were so perfect for what I was going through." When he stared at her blankly, she tilted her head and recited, "'You had me, I never had you, I wanted you but you didn't want me, you left me but I never left you, I needed you but you didn't need me.' It was exactly how I felt about this evil witch that had just abandoned me in the cold and walked away and now...Now I don't know what to do. I've felt this way about her for thirty years. How do I adjust to it being different? She lived most of her life miserable and alone and then_ died_ alone, Alex. Her body was rotting on some back road and no one even _missed_ her. I always hated her for being selfish and causing all my problems, but she really had it so much worse. I spent my whole life hating someone who deserved compassion and understanding."

He shook his head, "Jo, you couldn't have known..."

"It doesn't change the fact that I let my hatred for her make my life more miserable than it already was." She looked back down at the grave and pulled her arms more tightly around herself, "Somewhere in the middle of this I started thinking that I was really going to find her. That I would get some answers from her. That we were going to catch up and get along and start to bond." She looked up at him, her cheeks shining with fresh tears, "Stupid, huh?"

He shook his head, his voice barely audible, "No...no it's not stupid. Not at all."

She turned back to look at the marker, her face hardened as if she had willed herself to stop crying, "I just really wanted to give Jess a family, you know? A history."

Alex felt his chest tighten, "You have."

"Alex, you know what I mean," she interjected tersely. "I wanted her to have an honest, real, blood family. Someone to send her birthday cards and teach her how to cook and play dress up with her and take her to the movies and the park. I wanted to give her a family. All the other kids she knows have one and I can't give her that."

Alex looked at her with furrowed brows, "She has one, Jo."

"I mean a big extended birth family, Alex. She's missing out on that."

His eyes crinkled up, "So? Some people are lucky enough to be born into families that love and treat them right. And then some of us have to go out and create our own families. Just because it took us longer than most doesn't mean our family isn't as real or as important. If anything it makes it stronger. And us stronger I think." He watched as she shook her head and barreled ahead, "Don't take that away from her. She's the lucky one in her group of friends. They may have bigger families with blood ties, but so what? Maybe those people just show up out of obligation. Jess will never know what that's like, Jo. Whenever someone comes to a ballgame or recital or graduation it will be because they want to, not because they feel they have to. Or have family that shows up for her just so she'll feel obligated to take care of them when they get older. She won't ever experience fake family. Just real love. She's lucky, Jo," he almost pleaded for her to understand. She looked up, her eyes still full of doubt, "She has us, right? And we're gonna make sure that's enough."

She bit her trembling lip and began to nod her head jerkily. Alex pulled her into his arms as a sob escaped from her. He held her tightly and rubbed her back comfortingly. She clawed at him, trying to pull him impossibly closer, her voice raw with emotion, "I didn't expect it to hurt this bad."

He bit his lip as she burrowed her head into his neck, "I know."

He kissed her cheek as she continued to softly cry for several moments, "What do I do now?" She pulled away and looked at him, fear and doubt radiating from her eyes, "I don't know what to do, Alex."

He bit his lip and shook his head, "I don't...I don't know. I think..." He turned and looked at the marker before looking back at Jo, "I think all that's left is to really say goodbye."

Jo nodded and whispered, "Okay." As Alex started to stand, she grabbed at his arms, "Will you stay with me?"

Alex nodded solemnly, "Of course I'll stay."

He sat back down beside her so they were both looking at the grave site and wrapped an arm around her. She turned into him and laid her head on his shoulder, "I won't take long, I promise. I just...I just need a little bit longer. I feel like I owe her that."

Alex nodded and hugged her tighter, "Take as long as you need. I don't have anywhere else to be."

* * *

**Additional A/N:** Thank you so much for riding along this roller coaster with me! This is the end of the story, but I do have an epilogue that I will plan to post next week. Again, thank you so much. You all rock!


	38. Chapter 38

**Author's Notes:** So here it is guys…the end! Thank you all for hanging around to go on this wild and crazy journey with me. The last two years have been so very, very difficult for me and I cannot tell you all how much your support and patience has meant. Sometimes we gain strength from places we would not have expected and I swear I don't know how I would have made it through some of the crap that happened over the last two years if it were not for so many of you and your kind words of encouragement. I will not soon forget it.

I hope this lives up to your expectations. Some of you were freakishly close in guessing what happens next. I'll have to work on this predictability issue, ha!

* * *

Alex quietly slipped into the house, careful to not make a sound in case the others were already asleep. He listened closely, but wasn't able to hear anything so he walked carefully into the kitchen to fix a quick sandwich. On the stove he found a bowl of soup with a note next to it: _We missed you! xo Jo &amp; Jessalyn_

Alex grinned as he placed the bowl in the microwave and retrieved a bottle of water from the refrigerator. He wasn't lying when he told Jo he liked the boring days. It was the small things that made him the happiest: Jess' favorite cup in the sink, a new drawing on the fridge, Jo's little notes to him, or the shoes scattered in the hallway. He loved it all.

He quickly finished his soup and rinsed out the bowl to put it in the dishwasher. He checked his phone for any new texts, calls, or emails from work and started up the stairs. Alex walked into the bedroom to see Jess curled up with Jo as Jo read to her. He leaned on the doorway and just watched them for a minute. When Jess looked over and saw him she shook her head, "No Daddy, I'm weeding."

He smirked and put his hands up, "I wasn't doing anything, Jess. Just going to brush my teeth." He walked over to tickle her and kissed her forehead as she laughed. Jo beamed at him and kissed him quickly as Jess made her disgust about the display of affection known. They each laughed as they parted and Alex ruffled the little girl's hair before walking into the bathroom and closing the door.

He heard Jo call after him, "Everything okay?"

He pulled off his shirt and started to work on the buttons to his jeans as he called back through the door, "Yeah. Intern overreaction as usual."

He decided to take a shower as well and stretched his tired muscles underneath the warm water. He was happy with his decision to return to Grey-Sloan and the renewed challenges it brought, but other times he missed the predictability private practice had given him. Especially on nights that he had to leave his family to handle things at the hospital.

He stepped out of the shower and quickly changed into some sleep clothes. He pulled a comb through his hair and walked out of the bathroom, his eyes instantly meeting Jo's. She nodded to answer his silent question as he walked to her side and gathered Jess in his arms. She stirred slightly, "No Daddy, I'm not sweepy."

Jo smiled and kissed Jess' forehead as Alex lifted her, her voice soft and soothing, "It's bedtime, munchkin."

Jess looked up at Alex with tired eyes as he walked to the little girl's bedroom, "But Daddy..."

He grinned as he turned into her room, "But nothin'. You can't even hold your eyes open."

"But I wanna finish the story," she whined softly as he lay her in the bed, her eyes already closed again.

Alex pulled the covers up around her shoulders and kissed her cheek, "We'll finish it tomorrow, okay?" She nodded slightly as she turned into her pillow, "But I'm sure they lived happily ever after, right?"

Jess yawned, "It's not that kind of story, Daddy. It's about a man who wouldn't wash him's dishes."

Alex smiled to himself as he turned on her nightlight, "Oh, I see. Goodnight, Jess."

He quietly backed out of the room when she didn't respond and slipped back down the hallway. He stopped once again at the threshold of his bedroom with Jo and just watched for a brief moment as she massaged lotion into her arms. She looked up at him with a smirk, "Are you coming to bed or are you gonna stand there looking like a creeper all night?"

Alex sauntered towards the bed and climbed on at the lower corner to crawl towards her. "How's Nate doing tonight?" he asked with a grin as he lifted her shirt to kiss her swollen belly.

Jo reached over to run her fingers through Alex's hair, "He's perfect."

Alex smiled at her as he moved to lay on his side next to her, his hand caressing her baby bump. It never ceased to amaze him just how far they had come. Sometimes he became overwhelmed when thinking about how close he had come to losing her, but now they were stronger than they had ever been and anxiously awaiting the arrival of their son, who they had planned carefully and wished hard for. His fingers lightly danced across her tight skin, "He still needs a middle name."

"It's got to have some meaning though." She ran her hand over the top of her belly, "Can't name Jess after the place we met and not give baby boy anything special."

Alex nodded and moved his lips back to her abdomen, "What do you think, Nathan?" He placed his ear on her bump and nodded as if he was listening causing Jo to smile widely, "I think that's a great idea. He said we should name him after you. And to stop eating all those jalapeños."

Jo laughed as he moved up to kiss her, "After me? I don't think Nathan Josephine sounds good together."

Alex raised up to look at her and nodded, "What about Nathan Wilson Karev? I think that could work."

Jo looked away quickly, "I don't know about that, Alex. I mean, I don't have any connection to that name and I'm not sure I want to pass it on."

Alex tilted his head as he moved to lay on his side next to her, his fingers skimming the skin just below her shirt comfortingly, "Hey, we don't have to, it was just an idea. But I don't see anything wrong with naming him after you. You made that name for yourself Jo, it's yours."

Jo looked at him hesitantly, "What if I don't want it to be mine anymore?"

Alex gave a thoughtful look, "Are you thinking of changing to Taylor? I mean you have every right to do that obviously, but professionally speaking it may be..."

"Alex, Alex," she interjected to stop him. "I wasn't thinking about Taylor. I was um...kind of thinking about Karev."

Alex looked at her with wide eyes as his hand on her belly stilled, "You..."

She smiled at his surprise, "I just...In a couple of months I'm going to be living with three of you. I feel kinda left out." She laughed slightly and caressed his face, "I mean like you said, professionally it doesn't make any sense to change it, but for everything else..."

Alex interjected, "Wait, what exactly are you saying? You want to legally change your name to match the kids? We can give them hyphenated names, Jo. You know that."

Jo shook her head, "That's not...that's not what I want. It's not...it's not really about the names." She took a calming breath and looked deeply in his eyes, "Will you marry me, Alex?" When he didn't respond she rubbed his arm, "It's just, I want to be with you always, that's not a question. And I plan to be with you whether we're married or not. But when I introduce you to someone...boyfriend just sounds so small. You're more than that, you're my best friend, the father of my kids, the person I go to first, the person I share everything with and that I always want to share everything with, you're my partner in every way imaginable. You're the first person to ever try so hard to truly make me part of a family and that...it deserves a title. And when I think about it, I think that's what the word husband is supposed to mean. It's who you are to me, the only thing missing is a piece of paper. And now that I've thought about it like that I _really_ want that paper." She laughed nervously as he continued to gape at her. She smiled hesitantly and searched his eyes, "Alex, say something."

He slowly started to nod, "Yes. Yes, of course I will if you're sure that's what you want."

Jo smiled brightly, "It is. It took me awhile to understand, but...you mean the world to me, Alex. I want to be your wife. I want...I want to tell the world you're my husband because you already are in so many ways. I don't know why it took me so long to get that, but..."

He cut her off with a deep kiss. His arms circled around her back and he pulled her to his chest. Her hands came up to cup his cheek as he slowed down pressing soft short kisses on her lips before mumbling, "Stop talking."

She pulled back with a frown, "What?"

He gave a lopsided grin, "I already said yes." He placed soft kisses on her cheek and neck, "You're rambling which means you're nervous which means your blood pressure is probably up and it was already elevated at your last appointment so relax."

She smiled and buried her head in his neck, "I've been waiting for a way to ask you for a while. I wanted it to be perfect you know? I didn't mean to blurt it out like this."

Alex kissed her cheek, "I liked it." He rolled into his back as she curled into his side and hugged his torso, "It was perfect to me."

"You're biased."

He smiled and rubbed her upper arm, "Anytime that you say you want to be with me forever is gonna be perfect to me."

She smiled as her eyes drifted closed, "You think we'll make it?"

He looked down and caressed her face, "I do. We have the 'for better or for worse' thing down cold. We'll be sitting in a retirement home fussing about our missing dentures while telling our grandkids stories of our awesome surgical saves."

Jo hummed in contentment with a smile on her half asleep face, "I like that, but I think they would rather hear about us stealing cars."

Alex gave a lopsided grin and kissed her forehead, "Well we have a lifetime left to figure it out."


End file.
